Realization

Meditation is not easy. It takes time to train the brain. I have accomplished this for no more than 3 minutes at a time. For someone who's brain in on constant overload, 3 minutes is a long time. But I'll take what I can get.

One of the most disconcerting things for me has been that I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail. I've run from here to there and back because I had set my life up in just that way. Now that I am finally about to get settled, it looks as though I might be moving around,yet again, but I don't know WHERE. Where do I go now? Do I stay put? Nah. Do I go back to where I was? Nah.

What gives? Why can't I find a place that makes me happy?

This morning, during my record breaking 3 minute meditation, it came to me. It NOT the place. Its not WHERE I am that is the problem. Its WHO I am when I surround myself with certain people.

For many years, I ran from all that I knew because I felt that it was nothing but stifling. I wanted my freedom. But in looking far and yonder for it and settling in places that were as far away from the people I loved, I grew more and more discontent. Its one thing to remove yourself from people who are not healthy for you, but to remove yourself from a loving network and deliberately place yourself away from those you WANT to be around is self destructive.

I have a beautiful home. I know nice people. I am grateful and thankful for that. But I miss my sister who is my closest friend. I miss the people who's energy I thrived on. They made me want to be a better person. Sure we live in a world of electronic communication, but that does not take the place of looking in eye's of someone you care about when they are speaking. It doesn't take the place of a hug when you're feeling down. It doesn't take the place of watching your niece smile when she sees you.

I mistakenly thought that if I went in search of my happiness, I would find it somewhere else. It has always been in the same place. I'm the one who was blinded to it.

It doesn't matter where I make my home. What matters is the people I let into my life. If you are around the people who mean the most to you and whom you love, then NOTHING is insurmountable.

If mediation works to get you in touch with God, or helps you communicate with God that much easier, then I'm going to try to extend that 3 minutes into 4. At least its a starting point. If I can come to that realization in 3 minutes, just imagine what 4 or more can bring.