There are times in our lives when we meet people who for whatever reason affect us in such a way that we almost don't recognize ourselves. For the first time we look, not at what we are, but at what we can be, and we want to be more. These people bring out something in us that not only make us want to reach for the stars, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can.
A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend which I will admit began bordering on a disagreement regarding the perception of a comment I had made. While trying to make his point about the perceived inconsiderate behavior on my part, he said:
"Don't you get it? YOU inspire me and have for as long as I've known you. You make me want to be a better person."
Normally a comment like this would have humbled me in that someone felt this way about knowing me. It would have left me with a smile and warm glow. But in this particular case the comment stopped me cold. At that moment I felt cheated. It was all well and good that I inspired someone, but all the selfish part of me could think of was..."Well, what about me? WHO is supposed to be inspiring me?"
Since that night I'd been writing this post in my head tossing about the idea of what role inspiration plays in a relationship. Any relationship. In the hierarchy of important elements, where does it stack up? It is just below love? Above respect or security? The same level as commitment?
If I put a value on where inspiration falls on my list of 'must haves' for me it would most certainly be near the top if not number one. I think I would even sacrifice love to second or third place. It has become apparent to me that if I am not inspired by something or someone, I lose interest. Inspiration is the driving force behind everything I do and to what degree I put my heart and soul into it.
I look at inspiration as something crucial for the well being and longevity of any relationship. When people inspire one another the most amazing things happen. Though, it cannot be one sided. If it is, then the relationship will suffer. We all want to be around people that make us want to be the best we can. Not because we are trying to impress them, but because there is an energy that we draw from them that is empowering and gives us the feeling that we can achieve greatness.
We can be inspired by many things, but when we are inspired by another human being we can conquer the world. Some might mistake inspiration for love though it is very possible to have one without the other. It doesn't diminish either, for they can both stand on their own. Perhaps when dealing with life's frustrations we can look at who we are truly inspired by and in turn who we inspire. If we think about relationships which may be difficult perhaps that is the element which is lacking.
There have been a handful of people who have come into my world who changed the course of my life whether they knew it or not. Each person set me on a road which put me on a higher level. It was almost as though the first set the foundation for the second and so on.
I will not stress the conversation I had with my friend, because it made me realize something I had completely forgotten. Knowing that in the future, when I am ready, I will come across another who will inspire me to my next level is exciting because I can't wait to see which road I will take from there.
This post is dedicated to BC who will never know how profoundly he impacted the course of my life.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
The Secret Life of Thoughts
Recently, a friend posed a question that in its simplicity was actually quite difficult to answer.
"How do you change your thoughts so that they are always positive?"
God but I truly wish I had the answer to that one. If I could tell people how to do it without fail, then package and market it...well, the sky would be the limit.
Most of us have heard of "The Secret" by Rhonda Bryne. Many of us have read it. What is it about that little book that has become so powerful? There was nothing about its concepts that were new. Countless people and most philosophers have been talking about them for centuries. Yet for some reason, this book hit a chord with millions of people worldwide. The packaging and marketing was in my opinion brilliant. With pages which resembled old parchment and script that was made to look like a plume had been used, it took on the mystery of ancient manuscript. It gave one the sense that they had found a treasure.
Yet, what did the book actually promote? To me, the book promoted the idea that people can truly change their lives if they wanted to. It sold the masses a sense of hope.
While we address our normal everyday existence, where one hour bleeds into the next, it is very easy to lose sight of what makes us happy. Our world becomes focused on the external and the next thing we need to do or get. We are mired in the day to day challenges of career and family which take an enormous amount of energy just to make it through. Its no wonder we find that though the concepts are appealing, they can be difficult to put into practice.
Changing the pattern in which we think is not something that happens overnight. It can only begin by first being aware that thought process itself is negative. But what about the thought itself, is it that makes it negative? Well, for one thing, if a thought's residual affect is oppressive, then perhaps one needs to look at why? We have all been around people who are so negative that it is painful to have a conversation with them. Everything, from their posture to the manner in which they speak screams heaviness. But the truth is they themselves don't see it. They have become so accustomed to how they express themselves that they are comfortable within their own armour.
I am not suggesting that everyone can be positive all the time. After all, there are unexpected things that happen and daily frustrations in which we give ourselves permission to wallow in self pity. The difference is catching ourselves when it happens. The more we become aware of those moments and dismiss them, the quicker they disappear til at some point they cease to exist altogether, unless something that is truly wrong requires our attention.
But how does one stay positive while dealing with the stresses of daily life?
The fact that the question would even be asked, in my opinion tells me that they are finally aware that there is a change they would like to make in how they perceive their life. They have taken the first step. It is only a matter of time before they come to trust themselves and realize that only they have the power to understand how their thoughts create the life they live.
"How do you change your thoughts so that they are always positive?"
God but I truly wish I had the answer to that one. If I could tell people how to do it without fail, then package and market it...well, the sky would be the limit.
Most of us have heard of "The Secret" by Rhonda Bryne. Many of us have read it. What is it about that little book that has become so powerful? There was nothing about its concepts that were new. Countless people and most philosophers have been talking about them for centuries. Yet for some reason, this book hit a chord with millions of people worldwide. The packaging and marketing was in my opinion brilliant. With pages which resembled old parchment and script that was made to look like a plume had been used, it took on the mystery of ancient manuscript. It gave one the sense that they had found a treasure.
Yet, what did the book actually promote? To me, the book promoted the idea that people can truly change their lives if they wanted to. It sold the masses a sense of hope.
While we address our normal everyday existence, where one hour bleeds into the next, it is very easy to lose sight of what makes us happy. Our world becomes focused on the external and the next thing we need to do or get. We are mired in the day to day challenges of career and family which take an enormous amount of energy just to make it through. Its no wonder we find that though the concepts are appealing, they can be difficult to put into practice.
Changing the pattern in which we think is not something that happens overnight. It can only begin by first being aware that thought process itself is negative. But what about the thought itself, is it that makes it negative? Well, for one thing, if a thought's residual affect is oppressive, then perhaps one needs to look at why? We have all been around people who are so negative that it is painful to have a conversation with them. Everything, from their posture to the manner in which they speak screams heaviness. But the truth is they themselves don't see it. They have become so accustomed to how they express themselves that they are comfortable within their own armour.
I am not suggesting that everyone can be positive all the time. After all, there are unexpected things that happen and daily frustrations in which we give ourselves permission to wallow in self pity. The difference is catching ourselves when it happens. The more we become aware of those moments and dismiss them, the quicker they disappear til at some point they cease to exist altogether, unless something that is truly wrong requires our attention.
But how does one stay positive while dealing with the stresses of daily life?
The fact that the question would even be asked, in my opinion tells me that they are finally aware that there is a change they would like to make in how they perceive their life. They have taken the first step. It is only a matter of time before they come to trust themselves and realize that only they have the power to understand how their thoughts create the life they live.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Life is Not a Sitcom
I'm beginning to think that one of my greatest problems in life is that I do not watch much TV. If I did, I would watch circumstances unfold in the lives of the characters and know exactly how to handle them in my own life.
For many years, I did not even have a television in my lake house and that was an anathema to anyone who knew me. "WHAT? You don't HAVE a TV in Vermont? But, WHAT do you do when you're there? Don't you get bored???" I'm not certain what they envisioned when they thought of me here, but my guess is that the central theme consisted of me sitting in front of a blazing fire and staring...at nothing. The concept that I might actually be taking part in life was not something they were grounded in. The word bored is not found in my vocabulary.
Over the past few years TV shows have migrated to the concept of reality TV. What is that? Reality TV? Its almost an oxymoron. Is it real people doing things that we could do but don't so we'd rather watch them? The only thing I consider reality TV is the news and even that is tailored to appeal to the masses. Now I am not saying that I never watch TV. There are one or two shows I will watch if I stumble upon them, but that is akin to the stars aligning in the heavens. I have no idea when they are on, so its a matter of turning on the TV, on the right day, at the exact hour. See? The cosmos at work, but that is truly a rare occurrence.
My reality is that I am not a beneficiary of the simple solutions presented in a half hour program. I will therefore be destined to a life of making mistakes I would have avoided if I had watched episode 56 of the most popular show.
The only thing I can do is go along each day and have faith that the answers are there and I am only to be aware of them. Every set of circumstances that appear in my life create an opportunity to see what I'm made of. The jury is still out on that, but I do know that if I want to fixate on the fictional lives of people that don't exist, I'd rather read a book.
I view life as finite. If I do spend my time glued to a chair in my living room, what will I have to tell whomever is manning the Pearly Gates when I am asked... "What did you do with your life?" Well, I may not have changed the world to any significance, but I will report having seen the most amazing sunrise.
For many years, I did not even have a television in my lake house and that was an anathema to anyone who knew me. "WHAT? You don't HAVE a TV in Vermont? But, WHAT do you do when you're there? Don't you get bored???" I'm not certain what they envisioned when they thought of me here, but my guess is that the central theme consisted of me sitting in front of a blazing fire and staring...at nothing. The concept that I might actually be taking part in life was not something they were grounded in. The word bored is not found in my vocabulary.
Over the past few years TV shows have migrated to the concept of reality TV. What is that? Reality TV? Its almost an oxymoron. Is it real people doing things that we could do but don't so we'd rather watch them? The only thing I consider reality TV is the news and even that is tailored to appeal to the masses. Now I am not saying that I never watch TV. There are one or two shows I will watch if I stumble upon them, but that is akin to the stars aligning in the heavens. I have no idea when they are on, so its a matter of turning on the TV, on the right day, at the exact hour. See? The cosmos at work, but that is truly a rare occurrence.
My reality is that I am not a beneficiary of the simple solutions presented in a half hour program. I will therefore be destined to a life of making mistakes I would have avoided if I had watched episode 56 of the most popular show.
The only thing I can do is go along each day and have faith that the answers are there and I am only to be aware of them. Every set of circumstances that appear in my life create an opportunity to see what I'm made of. The jury is still out on that, but I do know that if I want to fixate on the fictional lives of people that don't exist, I'd rather read a book.
I view life as finite. If I do spend my time glued to a chair in my living room, what will I have to tell whomever is manning the Pearly Gates when I am asked... "What did you do with your life?" Well, I may not have changed the world to any significance, but I will report having seen the most amazing sunrise.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Next
They say the true key to happiness is not in having what you want, but rather in wanting what you have. The concept is true on almost every level, but I say almost because most of us want something other or perhaps more than what we already have but been trained to believe that its the result of a lack of maturity.
This is not about changing something in our lives that isn't working and by default not bringing out the best in us, this is about bringing in another layer to enhance where we are now.
If you are a Type A personality, which I have been accused of, (I know, I know you're shocked) the the issue isn't really wanting something else, its more like..."OK, been there, done that. What's next?" It is not necessarily a situation where there is a loss of interest in the current set of circumstances or feeling that there is lack of some sort. After all, there is a huge difference between wanting to experience something more and feeling like you are missing out. One gives you the incentive to try the unknown and the other depletes your energy. This is more like wanting the excitement you get when you are experiencing something new. The thrill of the hunt and the hunted, if you will.
What is wrong with that? Nothing.
Almost all of us have those moments where we are about to embark on something that gives us that little, almost undetectable boost in attitude. At least undetectable to us. Everyone else could feel it before we even enter a room. There is something in our energy level which changes and not only is it contagious, it is addictive. Who doesn't want to feel like that all the time?
There will be people who will scoff at the idea that it is OK to continuously want something more or different. They will accuse us of never being content. Those of us who spend time focusing on what else we want to have or do, can be made to feel guilty and really believe there might be something wrong because we are not conforming to the expectations of the majority because we are craving the next experience.
What if we come to accept that part of us which does want more? How liberating would it be to not deal with that underlying guilt? This is not about moral issues, we do have a responsibility to the people we care about, but we also have a responsibility not to be made to suffer because we are afraid to come face to face with what really drives us at our core.
Perhaps the true key to happiness is giving ourselves the permission to be accepting of the fact that we are not willing to be content with things as they are. It is perfectly OK to take steps to add another dimension into our lives. But in this regard, in order to fully experience the excitement of getting what we want , we must be content with what we already have.
This is not about changing something in our lives that isn't working and by default not bringing out the best in us, this is about bringing in another layer to enhance where we are now.
If you are a Type A personality, which I have been accused of, (I know, I know you're shocked) the the issue isn't really wanting something else, its more like..."OK, been there, done that. What's next?" It is not necessarily a situation where there is a loss of interest in the current set of circumstances or feeling that there is lack of some sort. After all, there is a huge difference between wanting to experience something more and feeling like you are missing out. One gives you the incentive to try the unknown and the other depletes your energy. This is more like wanting the excitement you get when you are experiencing something new. The thrill of the hunt and the hunted, if you will.
What is wrong with that? Nothing.
Almost all of us have those moments where we are about to embark on something that gives us that little, almost undetectable boost in attitude. At least undetectable to us. Everyone else could feel it before we even enter a room. There is something in our energy level which changes and not only is it contagious, it is addictive. Who doesn't want to feel like that all the time?
There will be people who will scoff at the idea that it is OK to continuously want something more or different. They will accuse us of never being content. Those of us who spend time focusing on what else we want to have or do, can be made to feel guilty and really believe there might be something wrong because we are not conforming to the expectations of the majority because we are craving the next experience.
What if we come to accept that part of us which does want more? How liberating would it be to not deal with that underlying guilt? This is not about moral issues, we do have a responsibility to the people we care about, but we also have a responsibility not to be made to suffer because we are afraid to come face to face with what really drives us at our core.
Perhaps the true key to happiness is giving ourselves the permission to be accepting of the fact that we are not willing to be content with things as they are. It is perfectly OK to take steps to add another dimension into our lives. But in this regard, in order to fully experience the excitement of getting what we want , we must be content with what we already have.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Temporary Insanity
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of enjoying a wonderful meal in an absolutely exquisite setting. I went to this place several weeks ago and looked forward to returning. Dining lake side and watching a beautiful sunset was nothing compared to the food which could rival some of the finest restaurants in any city.
During whatever the normal conversation is between people who have known each other for years, but not really know one another all that well, we started the game of "OK. we get to ask each other one question, whatever we want, and it has to be answered honestly."
Simple right? Maybe. I dreaded the moment I had to answer because I was certain it would have something to do with some old relationship, possible strange proclivity or some other equally disturbing bit of information that I might have to divulge. There truly needs to be some level of trust when you play a silly game like this.
And then it came. The worst question I could possibly have been asked.
"What do you want?"
It wasn't about the menu choices, or what I did or did not expect for the outcome of the evening. But the question was about my life and what I wanted out of that. Funny, I've been asking myself that question for years and here someone put a voice to it so instead of letting it scurry back into the recesses of my brain where I didn't really have to acknowledge it, I was being forced to drag the thoughts out and put words to them. After all I had given my word that I would answer any question honestly. Those who know me, know that when I give my word, it is golden. No exceptions.
My answer..."I don't know".
For many years I knew exactly what I wanted and got almost all of it including the blank canvas I have now. I get to fill it any which way I want. Maybe too many options are worse than not enough. But I do know that there seems to be two reoccurring thoughts which are gaining momentum and until that moment, I hadn't given them much notice.
It was far from the zen moment you would think it was. That moment of enlightenment when life is crystal clear. No, it was just the frightening concept that I was voicing something I was fearful of not achieving.
I've been viewing this experience as temporary as it has strayed so far from the life I lived and knew that at some point I'd be tired of this and would get back to my 'real' life. Then the thought hit me, this is my real life. If you step back and look at life from a far enough distance, it is apparent that anything we do is temporary and even the temporary is real. It doesn't get more real. The insanity is in thinking that it is not.
During whatever the normal conversation is between people who have known each other for years, but not really know one another all that well, we started the game of "OK. we get to ask each other one question, whatever we want, and it has to be answered honestly."
Simple right? Maybe. I dreaded the moment I had to answer because I was certain it would have something to do with some old relationship, possible strange proclivity or some other equally disturbing bit of information that I might have to divulge. There truly needs to be some level of trust when you play a silly game like this.
And then it came. The worst question I could possibly have been asked.
"What do you want?"
It wasn't about the menu choices, or what I did or did not expect for the outcome of the evening. But the question was about my life and what I wanted out of that. Funny, I've been asking myself that question for years and here someone put a voice to it so instead of letting it scurry back into the recesses of my brain where I didn't really have to acknowledge it, I was being forced to drag the thoughts out and put words to them. After all I had given my word that I would answer any question honestly. Those who know me, know that when I give my word, it is golden. No exceptions.
My answer..."I don't know".
For many years I knew exactly what I wanted and got almost all of it including the blank canvas I have now. I get to fill it any which way I want. Maybe too many options are worse than not enough. But I do know that there seems to be two reoccurring thoughts which are gaining momentum and until that moment, I hadn't given them much notice.
It was far from the zen moment you would think it was. That moment of enlightenment when life is crystal clear. No, it was just the frightening concept that I was voicing something I was fearful of not achieving.
I've been viewing this experience as temporary as it has strayed so far from the life I lived and knew that at some point I'd be tired of this and would get back to my 'real' life. Then the thought hit me, this is my real life. If you step back and look at life from a far enough distance, it is apparent that anything we do is temporary and even the temporary is real. It doesn't get more real. The insanity is in thinking that it is not.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day
In the year 2008, today is Father's Day.
I do not have children of my own, therefore, I cannot speak from the view point of a parent, but I can certainly speak from the view point of a daughter.
My own Dad and I have an odd relationship. It was built on the fact that I was the oldest child in an immigrant family and by default I had to be the ground breaker in a foreign society. Needless to say that what was not accepted of me through my formative years, became a ho hum moment by the time my youngest sibling came of age. I laid the groundwork. I broke the barriers. Lets not forget, I am a female.
I attribute a lot of who I've become to my Father. We are both incredibly headstrong so we tend to clash more so than most. Feeling like you are right and the other is wrong is stressful. When it is a parent, oh my but it is grueling.
As I have gotten older, I have come to try to understand my Dad from his point of view. Its not easy. He is not a sitcom dad with all the answers at the end of the half hour program. He is just a human being with all the issues most people have.
If he taught me anything, perhaps he taught me to really believe in myself in spite of our contentious relationship. In an odd and roundabout way he taught me to never fail my dreams. We never had conversations about it, but it was born of how we related to one another.
To a girl, the first real male relationship she has is with her Dad. A lot of that determines what type of woman that girl grows into. To the Dads out there who read this, the only thing I can say is that foremost allow your daughter(s) the ability to realize a self confidence and high self esteem. It is something that is nurtured along the way and will serve her better than anything else you can teach her.
Never forget that as your daughters (can't speak for sons), we are a product of what you help us create. We become who we are, by the foundation you help us build. If you help us build a solid one, we will become strong and remarkable women. If you help us create a weak one, then there will be struggle to build something that will withstand the test of time.
With that I wish you all a Happy Father's Day and this includes the Moms who are also Dads in the lives of their children.
God Bless.
I do not have children of my own, therefore, I cannot speak from the view point of a parent, but I can certainly speak from the view point of a daughter.
My own Dad and I have an odd relationship. It was built on the fact that I was the oldest child in an immigrant family and by default I had to be the ground breaker in a foreign society. Needless to say that what was not accepted of me through my formative years, became a ho hum moment by the time my youngest sibling came of age. I laid the groundwork. I broke the barriers. Lets not forget, I am a female.
I attribute a lot of who I've become to my Father. We are both incredibly headstrong so we tend to clash more so than most. Feeling like you are right and the other is wrong is stressful. When it is a parent, oh my but it is grueling.
As I have gotten older, I have come to try to understand my Dad from his point of view. Its not easy. He is not a sitcom dad with all the answers at the end of the half hour program. He is just a human being with all the issues most people have.
If he taught me anything, perhaps he taught me to really believe in myself in spite of our contentious relationship. In an odd and roundabout way he taught me to never fail my dreams. We never had conversations about it, but it was born of how we related to one another.
To a girl, the first real male relationship she has is with her Dad. A lot of that determines what type of woman that girl grows into. To the Dads out there who read this, the only thing I can say is that foremost allow your daughter(s) the ability to realize a self confidence and high self esteem. It is something that is nurtured along the way and will serve her better than anything else you can teach her.
Never forget that as your daughters (can't speak for sons), we are a product of what you help us create. We become who we are, by the foundation you help us build. If you help us build a solid one, we will become strong and remarkable women. If you help us create a weak one, then there will be struggle to build something that will withstand the test of time.
With that I wish you all a Happy Father's Day and this includes the Moms who are also Dads in the lives of their children.
God Bless.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The Gifts We Leave Behind
Tim Russert died yesterday. He was 58. I won’t pretend to know much about him other than he was the host of Meet the Press, a show I don’t believe I have ever watched. But as is the case when someone of his celebrity passes on, the air waves are filled with thoughtful comments and choked back tears.
58 is young by any measure. I will venture a guess and say that he was going about his daily life, doing this and that, preparing for his next show when without any warning as to what the immediate future was about to bring, he drew his last breath leaving behind family, friends, co-workers and probably a mental ‘to do’ list which will never get done.
I don’t know when I will be living through my last day. I don’t normally worry or wonder about my own mortality. It is pointless. Life is lived by experiencing the moment to moment, not worrying about when the moments will come to the inevitable abrupt end. And abrupt it will be. There is a wonderful book by Mitch Albom called “The Five People You Meet in Heaven.” It begins with the last day in the life of the main character. Only the reader knows it’s his last day, obviously the character does not. He goes about his business and does what he has done for countless days leading up to ‘the moment’. It drives home the fact that none of us will ever know when it is our time.
In the coming days, there will be things said and repeated often about Mr. Russert. None of the comments will be about inconsequential nonsense. I’m sure his days were filled with as much annoying minutiae as ours are. The difference perhaps is in how he let it affect his life. Instead, what will be talked about is the person he was. The true legacy we leave behind is the difference if any, that we make in the lives of others. People will remember us, not necessarily by what we have achieved, rather by how we made them feel.
I wonder what legacy I will leave.
A friend recently told me that many years ago, I said something to her which was powerful and impacted her in such a way that she’s never forgotten it. When she told me what it was I could not recall any of it. It made me conscious of the fact that if I care and am passionate about what I believe in and find a way to express it to another, then perhaps the legacy I will leave behind is the gift of allowing someone to truly understand who they are.
When my time comes I will have no way to know how I affected the people in my life. The one thing I can hope for is that I leave behind fond memories which leave good feelings in their hearts and hopefully many, many smiles on their faces.
58 is young by any measure. I will venture a guess and say that he was going about his daily life, doing this and that, preparing for his next show when without any warning as to what the immediate future was about to bring, he drew his last breath leaving behind family, friends, co-workers and probably a mental ‘to do’ list which will never get done.
I don’t know when I will be living through my last day. I don’t normally worry or wonder about my own mortality. It is pointless. Life is lived by experiencing the moment to moment, not worrying about when the moments will come to the inevitable abrupt end. And abrupt it will be. There is a wonderful book by Mitch Albom called “The Five People You Meet in Heaven.” It begins with the last day in the life of the main character. Only the reader knows it’s his last day, obviously the character does not. He goes about his business and does what he has done for countless days leading up to ‘the moment’. It drives home the fact that none of us will ever know when it is our time.
In the coming days, there will be things said and repeated often about Mr. Russert. None of the comments will be about inconsequential nonsense. I’m sure his days were filled with as much annoying minutiae as ours are. The difference perhaps is in how he let it affect his life. Instead, what will be talked about is the person he was. The true legacy we leave behind is the difference if any, that we make in the lives of others. People will remember us, not necessarily by what we have achieved, rather by how we made them feel.
I wonder what legacy I will leave.
A friend recently told me that many years ago, I said something to her which was powerful and impacted her in such a way that she’s never forgotten it. When she told me what it was I could not recall any of it. It made me conscious of the fact that if I care and am passionate about what I believe in and find a way to express it to another, then perhaps the legacy I will leave behind is the gift of allowing someone to truly understand who they are.
When my time comes I will have no way to know how I affected the people in my life. The one thing I can hope for is that I leave behind fond memories which leave good feelings in their hearts and hopefully many, many smiles on their faces.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Speed is a Matter of Perception
There are few things more exhilarating for me than riding down a hill going at what I think is breakneck speed.
After cresting a hill the one true payoff is letting go and enjoying the sense that you are moving along quite rapidly while not having to exert much effort. Breeze cooling you down and your heart finding a slower rhythm.
I try not to think about much while I'm on the road. Basically, my focus right now is not getting my tires caught in the remnants of frost heaves which have left the road I ride an utter mess. Yes they are in the process of repaving. My tax dollars hard at work.
When you ride the same road often, you become very comfortable with where you are. You know exactly when to shift gears so you can get up that really steep section which is only about 1/8 of a mile but leaves your heart pounding like it was 10. You know when you're going to hit a flat patch where you can find a fluid pace and if you time your music properly it feels as though the stars have truly aligned and you can literally ride for days.
The first 8 miles of my normal ride is mainly uphill. Not steep (except for that dreaded 1/8 mile) but consistent. It takes effort. On the return, obviously there is a huge difference because it is of course, downhill. You can pick up a great deal of speed which I find I do and push every chance I get. Yesterday I glanced at the speedometer and it read 31.9mph. Please understand that is not about to challenge anyone on the Tour de France, but for me it is fast.
We spend an enormous amount of our lives getting up somewhere. All the things that are worth doing take work. Up the corporate ladder. Higher Education. Successful relationships. On and on. Do we ever get a chance to coast? Sometimes and surely coasting is not a way of life yet something we might like to achieve permanently. How dull.
If you coast for too long and become complacent, you'll hit a downhill a little faster than you anticipated and if you're not able to readjust your gears, you'll find yourself in a pile somewhere off the road wondering 'what the hell just happened"?
Everyone's speed is different. Some people can handle the blur some can't. At times I can't. Its too confusing. Was I really going that fast? By some comparisons not by a long shot but it didn't matter because I was the one riding. It reminded me of when I first started skiing. Having the misfortune of discovering the sport in my early 30's my fear level was a little higher than that of a 5 yr old. I was careening down a hill (the term being debatable) and I panicked and stopped declaring to my boyfriend that I couldn't believe how fast I was going. He looked at me, shook his head and said "a 2 yr old can walk faster". I was crushed.
Picking up speed on a downhill is easy. Not staying focused when you least want to can result in costly rubble.
The speed doesn't matter. What matters is how you pace it.
After cresting a hill the one true payoff is letting go and enjoying the sense that you are moving along quite rapidly while not having to exert much effort. Breeze cooling you down and your heart finding a slower rhythm.
I try not to think about much while I'm on the road. Basically, my focus right now is not getting my tires caught in the remnants of frost heaves which have left the road I ride an utter mess. Yes they are in the process of repaving. My tax dollars hard at work.
When you ride the same road often, you become very comfortable with where you are. You know exactly when to shift gears so you can get up that really steep section which is only about 1/8 of a mile but leaves your heart pounding like it was 10. You know when you're going to hit a flat patch where you can find a fluid pace and if you time your music properly it feels as though the stars have truly aligned and you can literally ride for days.
The first 8 miles of my normal ride is mainly uphill. Not steep (except for that dreaded 1/8 mile) but consistent. It takes effort. On the return, obviously there is a huge difference because it is of course, downhill. You can pick up a great deal of speed which I find I do and push every chance I get. Yesterday I glanced at the speedometer and it read 31.9mph. Please understand that is not about to challenge anyone on the Tour de France, but for me it is fast.
We spend an enormous amount of our lives getting up somewhere. All the things that are worth doing take work. Up the corporate ladder. Higher Education. Successful relationships. On and on. Do we ever get a chance to coast? Sometimes and surely coasting is not a way of life yet something we might like to achieve permanently. How dull.
If you coast for too long and become complacent, you'll hit a downhill a little faster than you anticipated and if you're not able to readjust your gears, you'll find yourself in a pile somewhere off the road wondering 'what the hell just happened"?
Everyone's speed is different. Some people can handle the blur some can't. At times I can't. Its too confusing. Was I really going that fast? By some comparisons not by a long shot but it didn't matter because I was the one riding. It reminded me of when I first started skiing. Having the misfortune of discovering the sport in my early 30's my fear level was a little higher than that of a 5 yr old. I was careening down a hill (the term being debatable) and I panicked and stopped declaring to my boyfriend that I couldn't believe how fast I was going. He looked at me, shook his head and said "a 2 yr old can walk faster". I was crushed.
Picking up speed on a downhill is easy. Not staying focused when you least want to can result in costly rubble.
The speed doesn't matter. What matters is how you pace it.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
This Too Shall Pass
As we go about our daily business there will be times when less than favorable circumstances will find their way into our carefully structured lives and throw everything out of balance and into chaos. The very idea that our worlds can be upset and transformed at a moment's notice reinforces the fact that we do not and will not ever have control over every aspect of our existence.
We are foremost creatures of habit. If you take the time to look at how you spend your life on a daily basis you will find that not much changes day in and day out. This leads to not much changing in weeks and months and ultimately years. When something happens that causes us to redirect our lives we are thrown into panic. Because we spend so much time constructing a future which can never exist, when faced with the reality of our unintended circumstances, we have no idea how we will ever get through it.
But we do.
Perhaps if we were able to see the larger picture of our lives as a whole and not in the linear fashion we are accustomed to, we could possibly understand the purpose of why things happen as they do. When the view is myopic and we are only concerned with the very event so much so that it clouds our judgement, we will find it difficult to see the experience for what it is. The flip side to that is that until sufficient time passes it will not be apparent.
I can only imagine God (Creator, Universe...whatever your choice of title is) looking at us in panorama and saying "Tsk, tsk, tsk. If he or she only knew how important this event is for who they are to be..."
And we don't.
We have no idea what the larger picture is. There is absolutely no way to figure that out. The only thing we can do is to just let each experience speak for itself and create the person we are meant to be. That is not the person our parents, our spouses (significant others), our children, our friends, our co-workers...etc expect us to be, but to find it in ourselves the strength and the vulnerability to acknowledge that there are things that we just have to have the courage to see though in order for us to have the experiences that ultimately make our lives rich.
We are foremost creatures of habit. If you take the time to look at how you spend your life on a daily basis you will find that not much changes day in and day out. This leads to not much changing in weeks and months and ultimately years. When something happens that causes us to redirect our lives we are thrown into panic. Because we spend so much time constructing a future which can never exist, when faced with the reality of our unintended circumstances, we have no idea how we will ever get through it.
But we do.
Perhaps if we were able to see the larger picture of our lives as a whole and not in the linear fashion we are accustomed to, we could possibly understand the purpose of why things happen as they do. When the view is myopic and we are only concerned with the very event so much so that it clouds our judgement, we will find it difficult to see the experience for what it is. The flip side to that is that until sufficient time passes it will not be apparent.
I can only imagine God (Creator, Universe...whatever your choice of title is) looking at us in panorama and saying "Tsk, tsk, tsk. If he or she only knew how important this event is for who they are to be..."
And we don't.
We have no idea what the larger picture is. There is absolutely no way to figure that out. The only thing we can do is to just let each experience speak for itself and create the person we are meant to be. That is not the person our parents, our spouses (significant others), our children, our friends, our co-workers...etc expect us to be, but to find it in ourselves the strength and the vulnerability to acknowledge that there are things that we just have to have the courage to see though in order for us to have the experiences that ultimately make our lives rich.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Nothing But Net
One of the most basic concepts which many struggle with is the acceptance that as individuals our stories are very unique. Granted, we might share in similar circumstances and events but how we relate to each and everything that comes our way is vastly different from how anyone else relates. For that purpose alone there is a lesson for each of us that is meaningless to anyone else.
One thing that has become increasingly apparent to me over the years and more so in the last few, is the realization that the way our lives intertwine is truly remarkable. I imagine that if I take myself and any individual who has ever crossed my path and put them on something, it would look similar to a fishing net. I won't get into quantum physics here (mainly because I barely understand it) but I will do my best in trying to convey how I view this.
When you look at a net you might see the squares or you might see the strings that make up the pattern. Imagine if you will that one string is you and that every other string represents someone who has come into your life at any given time. Each person is free to travel that string in any way that works for them. They can go straight, make left or right turns, retreat etc. When you look at it this way you might come to see that people who enter our lives do so in a very specific way so that we can understand why they are there. Sometimes they travel parallel with us until they need to go in a different direction. Sometimes they are going where we just came from. Sometimes they turn with us and sometimes, they turn in the opposite direction. Which ever way they are traveling they are doing so on their own unique journey on their own net, it just happens to criscross ours when the time is right.
The mistake that people make is that they forget that each person has their own path to follow. Instead of looking at whatever gift that person is bringing to us in our own understanding of who we are, we might assume that the experience will last forever. It doesn't. Nothing lasts forever. Everything that happens, people who come in and out of our lives, are there for very specific reasons and many times we have no idea what those reasons are until much much later.
When we live our lives as if the only thing that really counts is what is happening now and appreciating what we are doing and who we are with, instead of trying to figure out what this means for some future point in time, then maybe it will allow us to be able to enjoy the experience. The future, which does not really exist (but that is a conversation about time which is too complicated to get into here and can most assuredly be found on some other site in great detail) will take care of itself.
If you think back to a past time frame, we'll say two years, how many of us now are living the lives we thought we'd be living two years ago? I, for one, am not. Not even remotely close to anything I thought I'd be doing. There in lies this thing called life.
As my mind imagines the matrix that makes up my journey, I see the many people who's paths have intersected with mine. Those who have walked with me for a distance and those I've yet to meet.
To truly appreciate the essence of another human being, is to understand that each person has a 'net' of their own in this wonderful complex system of human interaction.
One thing that has become increasingly apparent to me over the years and more so in the last few, is the realization that the way our lives intertwine is truly remarkable. I imagine that if I take myself and any individual who has ever crossed my path and put them on something, it would look similar to a fishing net. I won't get into quantum physics here (mainly because I barely understand it) but I will do my best in trying to convey how I view this.
When you look at a net you might see the squares or you might see the strings that make up the pattern. Imagine if you will that one string is you and that every other string represents someone who has come into your life at any given time. Each person is free to travel that string in any way that works for them. They can go straight, make left or right turns, retreat etc. When you look at it this way you might come to see that people who enter our lives do so in a very specific way so that we can understand why they are there. Sometimes they travel parallel with us until they need to go in a different direction. Sometimes they are going where we just came from. Sometimes they turn with us and sometimes, they turn in the opposite direction. Which ever way they are traveling they are doing so on their own unique journey on their own net, it just happens to criscross ours when the time is right.
The mistake that people make is that they forget that each person has their own path to follow. Instead of looking at whatever gift that person is bringing to us in our own understanding of who we are, we might assume that the experience will last forever. It doesn't. Nothing lasts forever. Everything that happens, people who come in and out of our lives, are there for very specific reasons and many times we have no idea what those reasons are until much much later.
When we live our lives as if the only thing that really counts is what is happening now and appreciating what we are doing and who we are with, instead of trying to figure out what this means for some future point in time, then maybe it will allow us to be able to enjoy the experience. The future, which does not really exist (but that is a conversation about time which is too complicated to get into here and can most assuredly be found on some other site in great detail) will take care of itself.
If you think back to a past time frame, we'll say two years, how many of us now are living the lives we thought we'd be living two years ago? I, for one, am not. Not even remotely close to anything I thought I'd be doing. There in lies this thing called life.
As my mind imagines the matrix that makes up my journey, I see the many people who's paths have intersected with mine. Those who have walked with me for a distance and those I've yet to meet.
To truly appreciate the essence of another human being, is to understand that each person has a 'net' of their own in this wonderful complex system of human interaction.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Expectations
I have always felt that you can only experience disappointment in another if you expect something of them they were never capable of giving in the first place. To make it simple, you do not go to the optometrist to fill a cavity.
Many personal relationships, whether they be familial, romantic or friendship are built on false expectations thereby creating an illusion of perfection that does not exists and lost is the reality of what the individuals themselves actually bring to the union. The idea that 'other' people should act the way we would like them to, results in much frustration. To accept someone for who they truly are is really a look at ourselves.
We use words like short comings to describe a lack of some sort in another. But truly, what is that? To acknowledge that in someone implies that they are not meeting our standards which are based on a biased personal judgement. Who can ever compete with that? Its no wonder that many relationships fail miserably.
The other day I asked a friend an opinion on an idea that I have. In the ensuing conversation he made a comment (surely in jest) to imply that if I was foolish enough to seek his help with bringing this idea to life, his behavior (and I'm assuming he meant, lack of commitment to the idea itself) would result in me being so grossly disappointed in him that I would want to see him come to bodily harm.
I would like to think of myself as being very astute when it comes to understanding people and human nature and know that I am extremely confident in that I recognized people's strength in a way that perhaps they do not. For me to have asked this person for his opinion on this particular matter, in my mind was a confirmation of something I am absolutely certain of and that is that he has the knowledge I need to structure this idea into something viable.
This is a person whom I respect immensely and admire profoundly. Knowing this individual has inspired me to want to be the best I can be so I was taken aback by his response thus causing me to ask myself some questions about my own behavior and attitude. Do I give off an air of such high expectations that I would possibly ask someone their opinion and assistance knowing full well they could never 'meet' my standards?
The short is answer is 'no'. I would not. If my question was of another nature, I would have asked someone else. To deliberately set someone up for failure is not something I can even comprehend. Yes, I do expect perfection, but I expect it of myself. Though, I am fully aware that it is impossible to achieve. When it comes to others, I only see who they are and not what I wish them to be. I have said in the past I am hard myself. It is true, but getting better. If I demanded that people live up to whatever their idea of my standards are, I would truly live a lonely and unhappy life. Who would put up with that? No one. I certainly wouldn't. It would be too hard.
I am a firm believer that people come into our lives, not so we can teach them, but so that we can learn who we really are by our interaction with them. Each person brings a unique stamp to any relationship and if based on mutual respect for the reality of who each individual is, then the rest is easy. When there is a lack of respect for the core or soul of another, then there can never be a satisfying relationship no matter what it is based on.
If we understand who the individuals in our lives truly are at their core, then we can interact with them in a way that first, makes us want to be the best we can and secondly perhaps invites the same in them.
When a person can be comfortable about who they are when they are with you, then the opportunity to witness the greatness of another human being presents itself. Imagine the self imposed bar being lowered. A person can feel free to act like who they are and NOT what they think YOU expect. Amazing things happen. They not only surprise you but more importantly they surprise themselves.
In fact, we are at our best when we are comfortable and secure in showing who we really are and knowing that we are in company that appreciates us for that one detail.
Many personal relationships, whether they be familial, romantic or friendship are built on false expectations thereby creating an illusion of perfection that does not exists and lost is the reality of what the individuals themselves actually bring to the union. The idea that 'other' people should act the way we would like them to, results in much frustration. To accept someone for who they truly are is really a look at ourselves.
We use words like short comings to describe a lack of some sort in another. But truly, what is that? To acknowledge that in someone implies that they are not meeting our standards which are based on a biased personal judgement. Who can ever compete with that? Its no wonder that many relationships fail miserably.
The other day I asked a friend an opinion on an idea that I have. In the ensuing conversation he made a comment (surely in jest) to imply that if I was foolish enough to seek his help with bringing this idea to life, his behavior (and I'm assuming he meant, lack of commitment to the idea itself) would result in me being so grossly disappointed in him that I would want to see him come to bodily harm.
I would like to think of myself as being very astute when it comes to understanding people and human nature and know that I am extremely confident in that I recognized people's strength in a way that perhaps they do not. For me to have asked this person for his opinion on this particular matter, in my mind was a confirmation of something I am absolutely certain of and that is that he has the knowledge I need to structure this idea into something viable.
This is a person whom I respect immensely and admire profoundly. Knowing this individual has inspired me to want to be the best I can be so I was taken aback by his response thus causing me to ask myself some questions about my own behavior and attitude. Do I give off an air of such high expectations that I would possibly ask someone their opinion and assistance knowing full well they could never 'meet' my standards?
The short is answer is 'no'. I would not. If my question was of another nature, I would have asked someone else. To deliberately set someone up for failure is not something I can even comprehend. Yes, I do expect perfection, but I expect it of myself. Though, I am fully aware that it is impossible to achieve. When it comes to others, I only see who they are and not what I wish them to be. I have said in the past I am hard myself. It is true, but getting better. If I demanded that people live up to whatever their idea of my standards are, I would truly live a lonely and unhappy life. Who would put up with that? No one. I certainly wouldn't. It would be too hard.
I am a firm believer that people come into our lives, not so we can teach them, but so that we can learn who we really are by our interaction with them. Each person brings a unique stamp to any relationship and if based on mutual respect for the reality of who each individual is, then the rest is easy. When there is a lack of respect for the core or soul of another, then there can never be a satisfying relationship no matter what it is based on.
If we understand who the individuals in our lives truly are at their core, then we can interact with them in a way that first, makes us want to be the best we can and secondly perhaps invites the same in them.
When a person can be comfortable about who they are when they are with you, then the opportunity to witness the greatness of another human being presents itself. Imagine the self imposed bar being lowered. A person can feel free to act like who they are and NOT what they think YOU expect. Amazing things happen. They not only surprise you but more importantly they surprise themselves.
In fact, we are at our best when we are comfortable and secure in showing who we really are and knowing that we are in company that appreciates us for that one detail.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
One Thing
The other day I was chatting with a woman who waits tables in the restaurant next to my store. I only know her as a familiar face and the daily wave of the hand and ‘hiya’ sort of way.
This particular morning she was about to do some planting in the flower boxes and realized she didn’t have a hand trowel so she stopped in to ask if I had one. I did not. I’m not much of a gardener so I don’t have the proper tools. In fact to use my name and gardener in the same sentence would be a sacrilege. Trowel? I used a large spoon to dig holes for my plants. I happily suggested she might try the same. She had a perplexed look on her face but humored me nonetheless. Minutes later she passed by waving a shiny new gardening tool she just purchased from the hardware store.
That afternoon, with the planting behind her, she popped in again this time to offer me the use of the trowel. My first planting has resulted in dry dead foliage in my flower boxes which were an eyesore and desperately needed replacing. I planted way too soon, and the rare May frost destroyed my efforts. She exclaimed “I have dirt all over me” (I did not see any) “But OH how I love to do this. I can work in dirt all day long!”
Of course me, being me, asked “Then why are you working in a restaurant? Why aren’t you working with a landscaper?” Her expression was interesting. It wasn’t the expression of ‘Gee, I never thought of that’ it was more the expression of ‘Is that even an option?”
She had been waiting tables for so many years that the idea that she could actually do something she loved and get paid for it was a foreign concept. It was not within her frame of reference. After all, she had built her entire life on income from a job she didn’t particularly love. It was a job. It paid the bills.
How many of us live that way? Well, the odds are great that I will say most of us.
We have jobs. We build careers and over many years we lose the focus as to why we do what we do. We build lives around what the career affords us and then sit in silent wonder of how it ever got that way. That sense of “there HAS to be more” is an acknowledgment that whatever it is we are doing does not fill that void, which by the way, we can’t put our finger on. But how can 'it' be filled without knowing what “it’ is?
In everyone’s life there is something, perhaps one thing that we do which gives us a sense of contentment. It’s the ultimate expression of who we truly are. If we nourish that part of ourselves it trickles down into everything else we do. It also opens doors we cannot begin to imagine. No jobs have to be quit to find it. Careers and lifestyles don’t need changing (unless one truly wants to do that), but to add another element to one’s life and take the fear out of doing something we truly love would add infinite peace and happiness to every other aspect of our lives.
I don’t believe in giving something up (unless it is harmful) but I do believe in adding something that makes us smile. If we allow ourselves the luxury of doing that one thing that makes us happy, just imagine how satisfying the rest of our world could be.
This particular morning she was about to do some planting in the flower boxes and realized she didn’t have a hand trowel so she stopped in to ask if I had one. I did not. I’m not much of a gardener so I don’t have the proper tools. In fact to use my name and gardener in the same sentence would be a sacrilege. Trowel? I used a large spoon to dig holes for my plants. I happily suggested she might try the same. She had a perplexed look on her face but humored me nonetheless. Minutes later she passed by waving a shiny new gardening tool she just purchased from the hardware store.
That afternoon, with the planting behind her, she popped in again this time to offer me the use of the trowel. My first planting has resulted in dry dead foliage in my flower boxes which were an eyesore and desperately needed replacing. I planted way too soon, and the rare May frost destroyed my efforts. She exclaimed “I have dirt all over me” (I did not see any) “But OH how I love to do this. I can work in dirt all day long!”
Of course me, being me, asked “Then why are you working in a restaurant? Why aren’t you working with a landscaper?” Her expression was interesting. It wasn’t the expression of ‘Gee, I never thought of that’ it was more the expression of ‘Is that even an option?”
She had been waiting tables for so many years that the idea that she could actually do something she loved and get paid for it was a foreign concept. It was not within her frame of reference. After all, she had built her entire life on income from a job she didn’t particularly love. It was a job. It paid the bills.
How many of us live that way? Well, the odds are great that I will say most of us.
We have jobs. We build careers and over many years we lose the focus as to why we do what we do. We build lives around what the career affords us and then sit in silent wonder of how it ever got that way. That sense of “there HAS to be more” is an acknowledgment that whatever it is we are doing does not fill that void, which by the way, we can’t put our finger on. But how can 'it' be filled without knowing what “it’ is?
In everyone’s life there is something, perhaps one thing that we do which gives us a sense of contentment. It’s the ultimate expression of who we truly are. If we nourish that part of ourselves it trickles down into everything else we do. It also opens doors we cannot begin to imagine. No jobs have to be quit to find it. Careers and lifestyles don’t need changing (unless one truly wants to do that), but to add another element to one’s life and take the fear out of doing something we truly love would add infinite peace and happiness to every other aspect of our lives.
I don’t believe in giving something up (unless it is harmful) but I do believe in adding something that makes us smile. If we allow ourselves the luxury of doing that one thing that makes us happy, just imagine how satisfying the rest of our world could be.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Piece of my Heart
Tonight I had the privilege of seeing an old friend.
Being here I don't get to the movies as often as I had in NY. There I lived a block away from a ten screen theater and saw countless movies over the years. Here, something I took for granted back home can only be a 'planned' event. So a friend and I drove 26 miles into the nearest town with a movie theater to see 'Sex and the City'.
I was never a fan of the HBO series though it was so popular that I knew what was going on at any given time. For one thing, I couldn't really relate to it. The clothes, the SHOES and basically the life style. They'd never make a show about my life. I don't imagine having an audience bored to tears makes for great ratings. Toward the series end, I did watch the last few shows and though a couple of the characters made me crazy (two of whom I could never be friends with) there was one central character that made me smile and I'm not talking Carrie Bradshaw.
I'm talking "The City" itself.
The experience of seeing a movie like that in the heart of a small town is vastly different than had I seen it back home.
There were glimpses of streets I've walked and restaurants I've dined in. There were jokes that only New Yorkers could have the faintest idea of the meaning. The proverbial 'inside joke'. Had I been in the city watching this movie, the laughter would have been contagious with heads nodding and whispers of 'yeah, I totally get that'. As it was, the giggling and nodding was done by a party of one. Me. I'm sure I became annoying to my friend when I would spout gems like: "I know that street". "I've had dinner in that restaurant". "Oh the library, I've actually been at a party there". She didn't tell me to shut up because I think she understood what I was feeling.
There is a scene in the movie which takes place on the south side of the New York Public Library and reminded me of the many times over many years when I would walk home from work and cut across Bryant Park. At that very moment I felt a giant tug at my heart. I missed it. I could feel my wonderful city come through the big screen for me. The affect won't be the same for everyone who sees it. If the city is a daily part of the viewer's life then its just that. If they've never been in the city, the city, as a character, is not one they could readily relate to. But for me, it was the one character I knew intimately. A character I know and love and totally understand.
It was almost like seeing an old lover. The one who for some incomprehensible reason (to you) didn't work out even though you were of like mind. The one, who if you did run into, you'd recognize that a piece of your heart was still held by them and you'd know that you would never actually have it back but also that it was in a safe place. That was what watching this movie was for me. I feel as though I've found a box of ancient photos in the back of my Mother's closet and the pictures are shading me with a sense of nostalgia that if I'm not careful can become heavy on my heart.
The City can be unforgiving and forgiving all at once. There is room for error and then none. It is bigger than life itself. It is difficult to understand the energy and the life which grows from it unless one experiences it for themselves. Only when one decides to step away can one truly understand the hole it leaves in the core of one's being.
Like a child experiencing the fear of stepping out into the unknown without a real plan, at this very moment I long to be standing on the balcony of my old apartment and gazing at the contours of the East River and the twinkling lights of all the bridges. I am fortunate I got to live my dream. My idea of the ultimate apartment in the city. High in the heavens with a view that was breathtaking. I chose that life. It was something I desired for a long time and I brought it to me.
Just as I have brought this life to me now.
Time will tell whether my old love and I will finally find a way to be together again with a better understanding of how we relate. For now I will be grateful for the opportunity of experiencing what can possibly turn out to be a trial separation.
Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder.
Being here I don't get to the movies as often as I had in NY. There I lived a block away from a ten screen theater and saw countless movies over the years. Here, something I took for granted back home can only be a 'planned' event. So a friend and I drove 26 miles into the nearest town with a movie theater to see 'Sex and the City'.
I was never a fan of the HBO series though it was so popular that I knew what was going on at any given time. For one thing, I couldn't really relate to it. The clothes, the SHOES and basically the life style. They'd never make a show about my life. I don't imagine having an audience bored to tears makes for great ratings. Toward the series end, I did watch the last few shows and though a couple of the characters made me crazy (two of whom I could never be friends with) there was one central character that made me smile and I'm not talking Carrie Bradshaw.
I'm talking "The City" itself.
The experience of seeing a movie like that in the heart of a small town is vastly different than had I seen it back home.
There were glimpses of streets I've walked and restaurants I've dined in. There were jokes that only New Yorkers could have the faintest idea of the meaning. The proverbial 'inside joke'. Had I been in the city watching this movie, the laughter would have been contagious with heads nodding and whispers of 'yeah, I totally get that'. As it was, the giggling and nodding was done by a party of one. Me. I'm sure I became annoying to my friend when I would spout gems like: "I know that street". "I've had dinner in that restaurant". "Oh the library, I've actually been at a party there". She didn't tell me to shut up because I think she understood what I was feeling.
There is a scene in the movie which takes place on the south side of the New York Public Library and reminded me of the many times over many years when I would walk home from work and cut across Bryant Park. At that very moment I felt a giant tug at my heart. I missed it. I could feel my wonderful city come through the big screen for me. The affect won't be the same for everyone who sees it. If the city is a daily part of the viewer's life then its just that. If they've never been in the city, the city, as a character, is not one they could readily relate to. But for me, it was the one character I knew intimately. A character I know and love and totally understand.
It was almost like seeing an old lover. The one who for some incomprehensible reason (to you) didn't work out even though you were of like mind. The one, who if you did run into, you'd recognize that a piece of your heart was still held by them and you'd know that you would never actually have it back but also that it was in a safe place. That was what watching this movie was for me. I feel as though I've found a box of ancient photos in the back of my Mother's closet and the pictures are shading me with a sense of nostalgia that if I'm not careful can become heavy on my heart.
The City can be unforgiving and forgiving all at once. There is room for error and then none. It is bigger than life itself. It is difficult to understand the energy and the life which grows from it unless one experiences it for themselves. Only when one decides to step away can one truly understand the hole it leaves in the core of one's being.
Like a child experiencing the fear of stepping out into the unknown without a real plan, at this very moment I long to be standing on the balcony of my old apartment and gazing at the contours of the East River and the twinkling lights of all the bridges. I am fortunate I got to live my dream. My idea of the ultimate apartment in the city. High in the heavens with a view that was breathtaking. I chose that life. It was something I desired for a long time and I brought it to me.
Just as I have brought this life to me now.
Time will tell whether my old love and I will finally find a way to be together again with a better understanding of how we relate. For now I will be grateful for the opportunity of experiencing what can possibly turn out to be a trial separation.
Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Change
A friend once said to me "We'll have all the answers when we die". Perhaps a morbid way to begin this post but maybe there is something to that way of thinking.
I am not alone in that I search for answers on a daily basis. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is it I'm supposed to do? Well, maybe I'm doing it.
Somehow it seems like I'm to do more, yet I don't know what that 'more' is. So I search. I think that as long I just take each moment as it comes and make my choices as they present themselves, that is what I'm supposed to be doing.
I come from a world filled with worry about tomorrow. Advancing in career. Building the 401K. Kids. College. Saving for a rainy day. Etc... Very few of us worry about this minute because while we are in this 'minute' it comes and goes, we do whatever it is that is being asked of us and we don't give another thought to the fact that we made a choice regarding how we will spend our lives. Even if we are doing nothing. You see, minutes become hours which become days which become, well, you get the picture. Doing nothing is a choice.
My world of calculated responses and timing is finding its way into the past and as much as I'd like to orchestrate my existence, I'm finding that I really don't have control of many things that present themselves. Nor does anyone. The only control I have is how I deal with each individual situation in any given point in time.
Its truly quite refreshing. This is not in the least to imply that I am stress free. Believe me I am far from that. But I will tell you I am far less stressed than I was 4 months ago. What has changed? Nothing except my attitude.
I have been torn with the desire to 'go back' but I understand I can't really ever go back. Sure, I can physically return to NY, get a job, continue my life as it was but I would not be going back as who I was, I'd be going back as who I am now. A very different person. To the outside world I am quite the same. I still have a sick sense of humor. I am still a workaholic, I still have the desire to not fail, and I am STILL very hard on myself, but now for vastly different reasons. Now its because I'm doing what I want for me, and not because it looks good to the anyone else.
Jobs, homes, family, those things don't make you who you are, who you are in relationship to those things is the key to putting them in perspective.
Its very misty outside. It has been raining since yesterday. I was up just before 6 this morning which is very early even for me. The mist was like a blanket on the lake as is the case most mornings but today I thought how different the natural landscape looked. I'm sure it doesn't look the same as it had one thousand years ago, but the changes would have been ever so subtle and it would be as it was yesterday. I don't expect there to be much change in what remains of my life time. What changed was my perception of it.
It that minute it looked peaceful yet foreboding. As I sit here and write, the sun is trying strenuously to break through the cloud cover and the mist is slowly disappearing. The still water once again reflects the light and every once in a while a duck will come in for a crash landing which disturbs the mirror image I look at. Nothing has radically changed. The landscape is still the same. With every passing day I realize that I am I coming to know this landscape more intimately than ever and now I am beginning to perceive even the slightest nuances of change. The illusion of stillness is just that. An illusion.
Such is the life we live. When we come to truly know ourselves, we are in tuned to the nuances of our lives. Maybe, my friend is right. The answer will take care of themselves and all we really need to do is just learn how to be.
I am not alone in that I search for answers on a daily basis. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is it I'm supposed to do? Well, maybe I'm doing it.
Somehow it seems like I'm to do more, yet I don't know what that 'more' is. So I search. I think that as long I just take each moment as it comes and make my choices as they present themselves, that is what I'm supposed to be doing.
I come from a world filled with worry about tomorrow. Advancing in career. Building the 401K. Kids. College. Saving for a rainy day. Etc... Very few of us worry about this minute because while we are in this 'minute' it comes and goes, we do whatever it is that is being asked of us and we don't give another thought to the fact that we made a choice regarding how we will spend our lives. Even if we are doing nothing. You see, minutes become hours which become days which become, well, you get the picture. Doing nothing is a choice.
My world of calculated responses and timing is finding its way into the past and as much as I'd like to orchestrate my existence, I'm finding that I really don't have control of many things that present themselves. Nor does anyone. The only control I have is how I deal with each individual situation in any given point in time.
Its truly quite refreshing. This is not in the least to imply that I am stress free. Believe me I am far from that. But I will tell you I am far less stressed than I was 4 months ago. What has changed? Nothing except my attitude.
I have been torn with the desire to 'go back' but I understand I can't really ever go back. Sure, I can physically return to NY, get a job, continue my life as it was but I would not be going back as who I was, I'd be going back as who I am now. A very different person. To the outside world I am quite the same. I still have a sick sense of humor. I am still a workaholic, I still have the desire to not fail, and I am STILL very hard on myself, but now for vastly different reasons. Now its because I'm doing what I want for me, and not because it looks good to the anyone else.
Jobs, homes, family, those things don't make you who you are, who you are in relationship to those things is the key to putting them in perspective.
Its very misty outside. It has been raining since yesterday. I was up just before 6 this morning which is very early even for me. The mist was like a blanket on the lake as is the case most mornings but today I thought how different the natural landscape looked. I'm sure it doesn't look the same as it had one thousand years ago, but the changes would have been ever so subtle and it would be as it was yesterday. I don't expect there to be much change in what remains of my life time. What changed was my perception of it.
It that minute it looked peaceful yet foreboding. As I sit here and write, the sun is trying strenuously to break through the cloud cover and the mist is slowly disappearing. The still water once again reflects the light and every once in a while a duck will come in for a crash landing which disturbs the mirror image I look at. Nothing has radically changed. The landscape is still the same. With every passing day I realize that I am I coming to know this landscape more intimately than ever and now I am beginning to perceive even the slightest nuances of change. The illusion of stillness is just that. An illusion.
Such is the life we live. When we come to truly know ourselves, we are in tuned to the nuances of our lives. Maybe, my friend is right. The answer will take care of themselves and all we really need to do is just learn how to be.
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