Temporary Insanity

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of enjoying a wonderful meal in an absolutely exquisite setting. I went to this place several weeks ago and looked forward to returning. Dining lake side and watching a beautiful sunset was nothing compared to the food which could rival some of the finest restaurants in any city.

During whatever the normal conversation is between people who have known each other for years, but not really know one another all that well, we started the game of "OK. we get to ask each other one question, whatever we want, and it has to be answered honestly."

Simple right? Maybe. I dreaded the moment I had to answer because I was certain it would have something to do with some old relationship, possible strange proclivity or some other equally disturbing bit of information that I might have to divulge. There truly needs to be some level of trust when you play a silly game like this.

And then it came. The worst question I could possibly have been asked.

"What do you want?"

It wasn't about the menu choices, or what I did or did not expect for the outcome of the evening. But the question was about my life and what I wanted out of that. Funny, I've been asking myself that question for years and here someone put a voice to it so instead of letting it scurry back into the recesses of my brain where I didn't really have to acknowledge it, I was being forced to drag the thoughts out and put words to them. After all I had given my word that I would answer any question honestly. Those who know me, know that when I give my word, it is golden. No exceptions.

My answer..."I don't know".

For many years I knew exactly what I wanted and got almost all of it including the blank canvas I have now. I get to fill it any which way I want. Maybe too many options are worse than not enough. But I do know that there seems to be two reoccurring thoughts which are gaining momentum and until that moment, I hadn't given them much notice.

It was far from the zen moment you would think it was. That moment of enlightenment when life is crystal clear. No, it was just the frightening concept that I was voicing something I was fearful of not achieving.

I've been viewing this experience as temporary as it has strayed so far from the life I lived and knew that at some point I'd be tired of this and would get back to my 'real' life. Then the thought hit me, this is my real life. If you step back and look at life from a far enough distance, it is apparent that anything we do is temporary and even the temporary is real. It doesn't get more real. The insanity is in thinking that it is not.