I don't watch much TV. I have nothing against TV, but if given the choice of doing anything else (which I can normally find to do) or watching a program, I would rather do anything else. There are times though when that is not possible as was the case at 3:00am this morning.
I'm a pretty solid sleeper. The one thing I am really grateful for is my ability to hit the pillow and totally pass out even when there is no alcohol involved. It is very rare for me to wake up in the middle of the night but last night, for whatever reason, I did. Maybe my sleep was disturbed by the one too many drinks I had (which in this case were only two) but I woke with a raging headache. Who the hell drinks Drambuie anyway?
After tossing and turning for about 15 minutes I knew that falling right out again was not happening. So I did what I have done maybe a total of 6 times in my entire life. I got out of bed and went to the living room to watch....TV. In answer to the question being asked...No, I do not have a TV in my bedroom. Never have. According to Feng Shui principles, it is very bad so as a habit I picked up when I first started understanding these principles (during my brief marriage) I nixed the TV in the bedroom and have never missed it. I think that is the main reason I can sleep so easily.
But last night I found myself curled up on my sofa, with remote in hand. I have no idea what is on TV at this time of night but I had heard stories. TV is sometimes lovingly referred to as the idiot box. I wonder if the person that coined that term came up with it after a night like mine. If I hate the programming that is on during the day then I was in for a real treat at 3:00am.
There is a reason some shows are relegated to the pre dawn airwaves. I imagine that scheduling programming at those hours attract less advertising dollars (not sure) so in effect, stations will not promote premium shows. Except for for repeats of popular sitcoms which a great deal of the population cannot watch in primetime because of work schedules, the rest of the airwaves are filled with minus B movies, various sport shows and what quickly became my favorite...Paid Programming.
Wow. A plethora of things I could buy to make my live worth living. Who knew?
There were so many I found if difficult to watch just one so I flipped back and forth between three. One was a Colon Cleanse product. I was far more interested in the two men talking than I was with the benefits of the product itself. As I watched the two interact. The smiles were great. They were animated and talking about regular bowel movements with about the same forced excitement as a sports commentator at a bowling tournament. The energy was so intense I imagine the product was practically selling itself. The one thing I did note was that one of them...presumably the 'inventor or developer' of the product looked like he needed a pill himself. With a jaw set real tight and sitting as straight as inhumanly possible, this guy should be the poster child for practice what you preach. He looked in great need of some relief.
This made me think of the comedian Bill Engvall's famous line "Here's Your Sign". I thought how great would it be to walk around with a bottle of these tablets and when coming across some surly person, just walk up, and while giving them one, saying "Here's your pill, have a nice day." And move on. I wish I had those 10 years ago. Man but the amount of relief I could have provided for a great many people.
The second was a CD which promised to hypnotize you so that you could "Think Your Way Thin." You mean, all I have to do to lose the 20lbs I've gained since last year is to just THINK about losing them? I mean...WOW why didn't THAT occur to me before? All this time on my bike has been wasted because, shoot, between thinking my way to faster weight loss coupled with the possibility of cleansing my innards...I'm good to go...literally.
The third was promoting the book "Debt Cures" http://www.amazon.com/Debt-Cures-They-Dont-About/dp/0979825814/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219929883&sr=1-1 by Keven Trudeau who was surrounded by the late night panel of financial geniuses including a former playmate. Here were five beautiful women who acted more like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders than finance experts. This is not to say these women were not intelligent, I don't know them, but from the sound of the script they were obviously reading from I wondered just who his target audience really was. But then, maybe Jamie Dimon was not available.
After about 10 minutes of flippage, I gave up and settled on watching Alton Brown's show "Good Eats" and learned the proper way of making mussels. At least in this case, I have something to show for my sleepless night.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A Fading Light
For the first time in many weeks I got out of bed in the middle of the night to close the windows in my room.
I love the idea that the temperature during the evening dips low enough that just opening windows and a ceiling fan humming above can provide all the sleeping comfort I could possibly want. Coming from NYC Summers where the humidity is typically so high that you feel like you're walking through thick soup, I am grateful that the weather here is what it is. If there is a place that physically suits me, it is this place. Even though it is still August and by the calendar there are approximately 3 weeks of Summer left, there is no doubt that Autumn is knocking on the door demanding to be let in.
As a child this time of year never bothered me. I mean, yeah, I hated to see the summer the end, but I anticipated the beginning of a new school year (I was a total geek), being with all my friends and most importantly knowing that my birthday was a mere few weeks away. Nothing compared to having a brand new 3 ring binder (some kind of blue fabric if I recall) and elastic strap untouched by a pen or pencil. The pristine appearance of either didn't make it 2 weeks. This was the 70s and backpacks for books were unheard of.
On mornings like this my mind wanders to those days and sometimes I wish I could feel the same anticipation I did back then. Today though there is a sense of melancholy. It isn't so much the coolness in the air that is creating the feeling but the stillness around me. There are certain sounds that are associated with the height of summer here. Today there are none. I don't hear a small motorized boat looking for a place to stop so its occupant can fish. The breeze doesn't carry the distant squeals and giggles of children jumping into a cool lake. Gone are the sounds of kayak paddles sweeping the water as they float by. Even the birds have retreated until later in the day.
The shorter days seem to welcome cooler temperatures which come early here and leave much later. There is a definite feel of something ending. Those things that made the summer exciting are finding a place to be saved and protected until next year.
But for now, with the changing of the seasonal guard, I will look for the grandness of Fall as it approaches, a time when the trees burst into an explosion of color just before they go dormant awaiting the symphony of whites that will blanket them until next Spring.
As I look for guidance from the changing seasons they remind me that endings and beginnings are absolutely necessary in order to make life stronger.
I love the idea that the temperature during the evening dips low enough that just opening windows and a ceiling fan humming above can provide all the sleeping comfort I could possibly want. Coming from NYC Summers where the humidity is typically so high that you feel like you're walking through thick soup, I am grateful that the weather here is what it is. If there is a place that physically suits me, it is this place. Even though it is still August and by the calendar there are approximately 3 weeks of Summer left, there is no doubt that Autumn is knocking on the door demanding to be let in.
As a child this time of year never bothered me. I mean, yeah, I hated to see the summer the end, but I anticipated the beginning of a new school year (I was a total geek), being with all my friends and most importantly knowing that my birthday was a mere few weeks away. Nothing compared to having a brand new 3 ring binder (some kind of blue fabric if I recall) and elastic strap untouched by a pen or pencil. The pristine appearance of either didn't make it 2 weeks. This was the 70s and backpacks for books were unheard of.
On mornings like this my mind wanders to those days and sometimes I wish I could feel the same anticipation I did back then. Today though there is a sense of melancholy. It isn't so much the coolness in the air that is creating the feeling but the stillness around me. There are certain sounds that are associated with the height of summer here. Today there are none. I don't hear a small motorized boat looking for a place to stop so its occupant can fish. The breeze doesn't carry the distant squeals and giggles of children jumping into a cool lake. Gone are the sounds of kayak paddles sweeping the water as they float by. Even the birds have retreated until later in the day.
The shorter days seem to welcome cooler temperatures which come early here and leave much later. There is a definite feel of something ending. Those things that made the summer exciting are finding a place to be saved and protected until next year.
But for now, with the changing of the seasonal guard, I will look for the grandness of Fall as it approaches, a time when the trees burst into an explosion of color just before they go dormant awaiting the symphony of whites that will blanket them until next Spring.
As I look for guidance from the changing seasons they remind me that endings and beginnings are absolutely necessary in order to make life stronger.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Be Careful What You Wish For
This morning I received an email from an old friend. She had just returned from a distant State so that her young daughter could visit with her father (my friend’s ex-husband).
For some reason, relationships (the good, the bad and the ugly), seem to be the topic of conversation with everyone around me for the past few months. Am I qualified to talk about relationships? Do I have the magic answer to the perfect one? Not by a long shot. There is first the assumption that there is a perfect one. No. I don’t believe there is and only because I don’t believe there is such a thing as ‘perfect’ anything.
The other night a friend and I were talking about past relationships and she made a comment regarding the common thread that connected all of hers. She then made a statement which stuck with me. She said “I sometimes wonder, what the next important relationship in my life, will look like.”
Sometimes it looks nothing like what you think it will.
If you believe in the idea that you will receive what you ask for (which I do), then you’ll have to go on the assumption that you can in fact design what you want in anything. The thought that you can draw to you the perfect partner and have he or she delivered in a box the color of robin’s egg blue with a pretty little white bow is somehow intoxicating. What if that were possible? Would we do it? Hell yeah. I know because I have, sort of, except for the box.
A few days ago I was searching through my desktop files for a story I wanted to work on for a writing contest. I came across something that I had written on September 6, 2006. I write a lot and I don’t normally reread my work unless I am looking for something specific. In this case the title caught my eye “My Wish List for My Ideal Partner” and I thought “What the hell is THAT about?” When I opened it, it was a copy of my horoscope (it’s a vice) for that day and it had instructed Virgos to write down a wish list (in great detail) of what we would like to find in an ideal partner (something about the stars being in the perfect place and the universe would send it…blah blah blah). After the demise of another relationship the previous year the weight of feeling like a failure in that category was settling into that uncomfortable ‘whoa is me’ mindset. So there it was a long list of things that were and still are important to me.
What knocked me for a loop was the realization that a person I know embodies all the qualities on my list. And I thought “No! No way. That is impossible.” But it wasn't As I read through the list I’d made almost 2 years ago, I could not believe what I was reading. The interesting thing was that no one I had met between then and now had even come close to fulfilling my idea of what was important and here it was staring me in the face. I will be the first to admit, it scared the hell out of me and the reason was the fact that it’s all well and good to have those ideals met, but what about the things I need to do or be? How do I measure up in order to even warrant having them? If I can’t be the best person I can (and God knows the defense mechanisms kick in at high speed so I haven’t), then who am I to even be worthy of accepting what in fact I asked for?
The only course I can take is to have an open mind and open heart (that part is hard for me) and allow this person to teach me something about myself which until this point I haven’t wanted to learn.
After all, that is what any relationship is about.
For some reason, relationships (the good, the bad and the ugly), seem to be the topic of conversation with everyone around me for the past few months. Am I qualified to talk about relationships? Do I have the magic answer to the perfect one? Not by a long shot. There is first the assumption that there is a perfect one. No. I don’t believe there is and only because I don’t believe there is such a thing as ‘perfect’ anything.
The other night a friend and I were talking about past relationships and she made a comment regarding the common thread that connected all of hers. She then made a statement which stuck with me. She said “I sometimes wonder, what the next important relationship in my life, will look like.”
Sometimes it looks nothing like what you think it will.
If you believe in the idea that you will receive what you ask for (which I do), then you’ll have to go on the assumption that you can in fact design what you want in anything. The thought that you can draw to you the perfect partner and have he or she delivered in a box the color of robin’s egg blue with a pretty little white bow is somehow intoxicating. What if that were possible? Would we do it? Hell yeah. I know because I have, sort of, except for the box.
A few days ago I was searching through my desktop files for a story I wanted to work on for a writing contest. I came across something that I had written on September 6, 2006. I write a lot and I don’t normally reread my work unless I am looking for something specific. In this case the title caught my eye “My Wish List for My Ideal Partner” and I thought “What the hell is THAT about?” When I opened it, it was a copy of my horoscope (it’s a vice) for that day and it had instructed Virgos to write down a wish list (in great detail) of what we would like to find in an ideal partner (something about the stars being in the perfect place and the universe would send it…blah blah blah). After the demise of another relationship the previous year the weight of feeling like a failure in that category was settling into that uncomfortable ‘whoa is me’ mindset. So there it was a long list of things that were and still are important to me.
What knocked me for a loop was the realization that a person I know embodies all the qualities on my list. And I thought “No! No way. That is impossible.” But it wasn't As I read through the list I’d made almost 2 years ago, I could not believe what I was reading. The interesting thing was that no one I had met between then and now had even come close to fulfilling my idea of what was important and here it was staring me in the face. I will be the first to admit, it scared the hell out of me and the reason was the fact that it’s all well and good to have those ideals met, but what about the things I need to do or be? How do I measure up in order to even warrant having them? If I can’t be the best person I can (and God knows the defense mechanisms kick in at high speed so I haven’t), then who am I to even be worthy of accepting what in fact I asked for?
The only course I can take is to have an open mind and open heart (that part is hard for me) and allow this person to teach me something about myself which until this point I haven’t wanted to learn.
After all, that is what any relationship is about.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
The Baggage Handler
First let me apologize for not posting. I can use the excuse that I haven't had the time, but that would be an excuse and since I do believe in owning "your shit", then I'll have to admit I've been lax.
Every time I sit at my computer, I wind up reading the papers, exchanging emails, talking to multiple friends on IM and catching up on the 'breaking' BS of what they call entertainment news.
1: I don't really care how much weight Brit has gained or lost
2: it is a way for me to avoid posting.
I have been working on another project so that has taken time away from this but I haven't written a word on that either. Its all hovering in my head. I have also found myself very deep in contemplating the next course of action. In that respect I've been mulling over an opportunity that makes no sense to anyone but me and barely that.
My friends here think I'm completely nuts and one even went as far as breaking down the economics of such a move. To his credit, he is absolutely correct and it doesn't make any sense, but having had very little to do in the past 6 weeks since I sold my store the reality of 'down time' is finally taken a toll on my mental stability. Its all well and good to contemplate your way through life but part of the balance is being productive.
I have been productive for over 30 years. I got my first job out of high school, worked my way through college and built a career in an industry I loved. I didn't stop working until July 3rd of this year which is the day I signed the contract to sell my business. So even though I dreamed for many years about "doing what I wanted" without the confines of a desk job, I realize that it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. It can get incredibly dull.
The one thing I know is that I don't want the life I had. That much I am certain of. But, how do you translate 27 years of Wall Street chaos into a normal life and is that even possible?
The other night I had a very odd dream that stayed with me for the better part of the day. Now, my dreams view more like mini epics (ask any of my friends who I relay my dreams to), but given scientific data, that is impossible.
In my dream I was going on a vacation and needed to pick up my luggage which was in a friend's basement. When I found both pieces (which I do actually own in 'real' life) I was annoyed to find that they were already heavy with clothes. I unzipped them and saw stacks of perfectly folded t-shirts. My annoyance turned in elation when I realized that they were clothes I loved and had completely forgotten about during my many moves. As I sorted through them I got excited that I recognized some of my favorites and immediately thought "Wow!! this is great! I didn't remember I had these." But, as I picked up each one, I noted that they were in fact old, some very worn and all were faded. Why I had saved them and hung on to them all these years was a question that in my dream state I asked myself.
OK. So the metaphor is a tad obvious? We talk about 'baggage' being apart of our lives and basically if you're over 7 years old...you have some.
The dream stayed with me all day but more so than what was actually happening in the dream, it was more a question of how I felt. The old stuff, the stuff that I loved, the stuff that held a special place in my life and heart no longer has any reason for being a part of my life now.
When discussing this job with my friend, he said (with what I interpreted to be hint of disgust in his voice) "Well, then maybe you should just cop out and go back to NY to the familiar and comfortable instead of breaking out, taking a risk and doing something new?" I never thought of it that way, but a part of me is very unsure of jumping into this void where the only net I'll have is the one I create. But if I trust that its time to 'throw away' the stuff that I can no longer use, then I'll have to trust that there is a reason they no longer have a place in this new life I'm building.
(Comments welcome and appreciated)
Every time I sit at my computer, I wind up reading the papers, exchanging emails, talking to multiple friends on IM and catching up on the 'breaking' BS of what they call entertainment news.
1: I don't really care how much weight Brit has gained or lost
2: it is a way for me to avoid posting.
I have been working on another project so that has taken time away from this but I haven't written a word on that either. Its all hovering in my head. I have also found myself very deep in contemplating the next course of action. In that respect I've been mulling over an opportunity that makes no sense to anyone but me and barely that.
My friends here think I'm completely nuts and one even went as far as breaking down the economics of such a move. To his credit, he is absolutely correct and it doesn't make any sense, but having had very little to do in the past 6 weeks since I sold my store the reality of 'down time' is finally taken a toll on my mental stability. Its all well and good to contemplate your way through life but part of the balance is being productive.
I have been productive for over 30 years. I got my first job out of high school, worked my way through college and built a career in an industry I loved. I didn't stop working until July 3rd of this year which is the day I signed the contract to sell my business. So even though I dreamed for many years about "doing what I wanted" without the confines of a desk job, I realize that it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. It can get incredibly dull.
The one thing I know is that I don't want the life I had. That much I am certain of. But, how do you translate 27 years of Wall Street chaos into a normal life and is that even possible?
The other night I had a very odd dream that stayed with me for the better part of the day. Now, my dreams view more like mini epics (ask any of my friends who I relay my dreams to), but given scientific data, that is impossible.
In my dream I was going on a vacation and needed to pick up my luggage which was in a friend's basement. When I found both pieces (which I do actually own in 'real' life) I was annoyed to find that they were already heavy with clothes. I unzipped them and saw stacks of perfectly folded t-shirts. My annoyance turned in elation when I realized that they were clothes I loved and had completely forgotten about during my many moves. As I sorted through them I got excited that I recognized some of my favorites and immediately thought "Wow!! this is great! I didn't remember I had these." But, as I picked up each one, I noted that they were in fact old, some very worn and all were faded. Why I had saved them and hung on to them all these years was a question that in my dream state I asked myself.
OK. So the metaphor is a tad obvious? We talk about 'baggage' being apart of our lives and basically if you're over 7 years old...you have some.
The dream stayed with me all day but more so than what was actually happening in the dream, it was more a question of how I felt. The old stuff, the stuff that I loved, the stuff that held a special place in my life and heart no longer has any reason for being a part of my life now.
When discussing this job with my friend, he said (with what I interpreted to be hint of disgust in his voice) "Well, then maybe you should just cop out and go back to NY to the familiar and comfortable instead of breaking out, taking a risk and doing something new?" I never thought of it that way, but a part of me is very unsure of jumping into this void where the only net I'll have is the one I create. But if I trust that its time to 'throw away' the stuff that I can no longer use, then I'll have to trust that there is a reason they no longer have a place in this new life I'm building.
(Comments welcome and appreciated)
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Things Aren't Always as They Seem
There comes on time in every one's life when the decision to stop personalizing the actions of others declares them free to live a life on their own terms and not for anyone else's benefit.
Eleanore Roosevelt was quoted to have said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
We can only judge those around us by our own individual frame of reference which is in and of itself entirely selfish. Then we gravitate to people who think like we do thereby solidifying our position of 'rightness.' High school probably comes to mind but its been a normal occurrence from the moment we began socializing as young children. Not stepping outside of the people in our comfort zone, keeps us safe.
I'm the type of person who gravitates to people of very different personalities. I am always stepping outside of my comfort zone and thereby draw criticism. I admire strong men and women. I relate to them, because I am one of them but that does not mean I think like they do. But most importantly, I respect the personalities of all. They are who they are and they fit in my life for certain reasons. To reinforce my opinions is not one of them.
Most of the time those reasons won't be evident until much later. If I focus too long on trying to figure them out now, I will miss the beauty of letting them unfold to where they will naturally go and learning what I am supposed learn. If I fight it then I am not seeing the lesson because I'm too busy protecting me. In that respect I don't control situations around me, I observe them and only control how I react.
To the outside world my choice of friends might result in a little head scratching on the behalf of the observer. But if they were to see all my friends and I mean every one of them in one room, they would find the most eclectic group of people they would ever hope to meet. Most of them only know each other through me. All wonderfully real, all very different and all feed a unique part of who I am. Its almost like taking every course you've ever taken in school all at the same time.
When we are confronted with situations which rock our little stable worlds, our normal response is to react and react immediately. It is purely a defense mechanism going back to protect ourselves against anyone who draws out our base insecurities. We hate that. We feel we must take control now. But what happens if we don't? What happens if we are so secure in who we are that we just let things go? Amazing things actually. I might be questioned as to why I don't react to situations where most would. I say that there will always be a time to address such things and sometimes it best to let that time come to me rather than me forcing a resolution. I find it better to just watch things unfold and let annoyances die their own death because in the end they always do and usually far better than any outcome I could have orchestrated.
We can only do this if we truly believe in what Mrs. Roosevelt said. Most of the time, we let other's opinions of who we are and how we are supposed to act and react interfere with what we believe to be true about ourselves. I would rather watch from afar and marvel at the uniqueness of people and how they fill my world. As I walk my own path through life, I never forget for one moment that those around me are walking their own. They have their own ways of reacting to what they are confronted with on a daily basis and just because I may have an opinion....doesn't make me right.
Eleanore Roosevelt was quoted to have said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Anyone who is familiar with that statement will immediately nod and agree because those words hit upon the very core of our existence. But no matter how much impact they have, they are extremely difficult to live by. To be able to draw upon our own reserve of self confidence and self esteem especially when we are in the midst of navigating through a minefield of emotional quagmires, requires a conscious effort.
We show the world a fraction of who we are. We probably show ourselves even less. One of the most difficult things to accept are the flaws that make us unique. Sometimes they are manifested in a manner that is apparent to everyone even though we think we hide it well. We do this not to protect ourselves from others, but foremost to protect ourselves from ourselves.We can only judge those around us by our own individual frame of reference which is in and of itself entirely selfish. Then we gravitate to people who think like we do thereby solidifying our position of 'rightness.' High school probably comes to mind but its been a normal occurrence from the moment we began socializing as young children. Not stepping outside of the people in our comfort zone, keeps us safe.
I'm the type of person who gravitates to people of very different personalities. I am always stepping outside of my comfort zone and thereby draw criticism. I admire strong men and women. I relate to them, because I am one of them but that does not mean I think like they do. But most importantly, I respect the personalities of all. They are who they are and they fit in my life for certain reasons. To reinforce my opinions is not one of them.
Most of the time those reasons won't be evident until much later. If I focus too long on trying to figure them out now, I will miss the beauty of letting them unfold to where they will naturally go and learning what I am supposed learn. If I fight it then I am not seeing the lesson because I'm too busy protecting me. In that respect I don't control situations around me, I observe them and only control how I react.
To the outside world my choice of friends might result in a little head scratching on the behalf of the observer. But if they were to see all my friends and I mean every one of them in one room, they would find the most eclectic group of people they would ever hope to meet. Most of them only know each other through me. All wonderfully real, all very different and all feed a unique part of who I am. Its almost like taking every course you've ever taken in school all at the same time.
When we are confronted with situations which rock our little stable worlds, our normal response is to react and react immediately. It is purely a defense mechanism going back to protect ourselves against anyone who draws out our base insecurities. We hate that. We feel we must take control now. But what happens if we don't? What happens if we are so secure in who we are that we just let things go? Amazing things actually. I might be questioned as to why I don't react to situations where most would. I say that there will always be a time to address such things and sometimes it best to let that time come to me rather than me forcing a resolution. I find it better to just watch things unfold and let annoyances die their own death because in the end they always do and usually far better than any outcome I could have orchestrated.
We can only do this if we truly believe in what Mrs. Roosevelt said. Most of the time, we let other's opinions of who we are and how we are supposed to act and react interfere with what we believe to be true about ourselves. I would rather watch from afar and marvel at the uniqueness of people and how they fill my world. As I walk my own path through life, I never forget for one moment that those around me are walking their own. They have their own ways of reacting to what they are confronted with on a daily basis and just because I may have an opinion....doesn't make me right.
Friday, August 15, 2008
For Whom the Cell Tolls
On Monday I was fairly certain that my week would be uneventful and quiet especially since my three and a half year old niece was to go home the next day.
The extent of Auntie's 'maternal' instincts are confined to the well being of Zia. The care of a small human is entirely different than the care of a small dog . Society has an issue if you leave them unattended for more than thirty seconds. I'm still trying to catch up on my sleep. Its amazing how a child who is less than three feet tall and weighs about thirty five pounds soaking wet can commandeer a queen size bed leaving me to hover on a mere five inches on the edge, not to mention tiny foot prints which have been permanently imprinted in my lower back. I haven't had such dark circles in months.
Save for some last minute volunteer work I'm doing for my town's Annual Zucchini Festival http://www.yourplaceinvermont.com/ there should have been very little going on. Although, given a solar eclipse (I think) back in the early part of the month, I should have known better. Forewarned, the horoscope said, is better than forearmed. No matter. I approached each day basically holding my breath for that 'other' shoe to fall. And fall they have. In sizes 0 to 12.
Everything from little annoyances to major and serious issues. The minor stuff is stressful and just a pain in the ass. That is the stuff that make you want to stick your head in a bag and scream. But all of that goes away when you get news that someone your age, who you've known since you were five, died after been diagnosed with a serious illness just a couple of months ago.
That is the stuff that makes the nonsense you can control look like child's play. As I said to a friend yesterday, your health is the only thing that matters in the long run, everything else can be changed. Once your health is in question, all else takes a back seat to reality. It doesn't make the other stuff unimportant. After all one has responsibilities to address, but lose your health and everything else falls into its proper perspective.
So, as I was rehashing all the annoyances of this week with my dinner companion, I watched my cell phone slip out of my handbag, bounce onto the table and into the lake where we were sitting.
Adding that to the ever growing to-do list, I realized that even though I had to rearrange my entire schedule today to fit in the trip to Verizon, it was just a small inconvenience which will go away once I pick out my new phone.
Hopefully my biggest decision today with be the color. Maybe I'll get one in pink...given I'm such a pink kinda gal.
The extent of Auntie's 'maternal' instincts are confined to the well being of Zia. The care of a small human is entirely different than the care of a small dog . Society has an issue if you leave them unattended for more than thirty seconds. I'm still trying to catch up on my sleep. Its amazing how a child who is less than three feet tall and weighs about thirty five pounds soaking wet can commandeer a queen size bed leaving me to hover on a mere five inches on the edge, not to mention tiny foot prints which have been permanently imprinted in my lower back. I haven't had such dark circles in months.
Save for some last minute volunteer work I'm doing for my town's Annual Zucchini Festival http://www.yourplaceinvermont.com/ there should have been very little going on. Although, given a solar eclipse (I think) back in the early part of the month, I should have known better. Forewarned, the horoscope said, is better than forearmed. No matter. I approached each day basically holding my breath for that 'other' shoe to fall. And fall they have. In sizes 0 to 12.
Everything from little annoyances to major and serious issues. The minor stuff is stressful and just a pain in the ass. That is the stuff that make you want to stick your head in a bag and scream. But all of that goes away when you get news that someone your age, who you've known since you were five, died after been diagnosed with a serious illness just a couple of months ago.
That is the stuff that makes the nonsense you can control look like child's play. As I said to a friend yesterday, your health is the only thing that matters in the long run, everything else can be changed. Once your health is in question, all else takes a back seat to reality. It doesn't make the other stuff unimportant. After all one has responsibilities to address, but lose your health and everything else falls into its proper perspective.
So, as I was rehashing all the annoyances of this week with my dinner companion, I watched my cell phone slip out of my handbag, bounce onto the table and into the lake where we were sitting.
Adding that to the ever growing to-do list, I realized that even though I had to rearrange my entire schedule today to fit in the trip to Verizon, it was just a small inconvenience which will go away once I pick out my new phone.
Hopefully my biggest decision today with be the color. Maybe I'll get one in pink...given I'm such a pink kinda gal.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
A Change in Vantage Point
Where is it written that life is supposed to be perfect? Because if such a writing exists, I for one, would like to read it for myself and frame it so that I would be able to refer to it on a daily basis.
I gave up long ago wishing for perfection. As is the case, I live life day to day and deal with everything that comes my way...on its own merit. There really is no other way to do it. There are days that are truly terrific on every level. Almost as though the planets and stars align so that everything functions seamlessly. Then there are other days where no matter what I do, where I go or who I talk to, its an endless battle of futility. On those days I realize I should have checked my horoscope before I even got out of bed.
Everything we are bombarded with exploits the idea of the perfect life in such a way that if we aren't one of the seemingly lucky few who have plenty of money, the perfect career, the perfect mate, great health...etc, then there is something seriously wrong with us. If that is the case, then I am just this side of a lost cause.
Looking back on the past many years, from the outside it would seem like my life was perfect. It was far from it. My struggles and fears were (are) no different from anyone else's. As I watched my life as I knew it, unravel, it took a toll no matter what anyone thinks. The reality is we can't undo the past. Every choice we make brings us to where we are now so that we can only go forward from this point.
One of my favorite quotes is "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein.
Rehashing what doesn't work, doesn't provide an answer for what does. Accepting that everything that comes our way, is our own self prophecy, should make us take some responsibility for where we find ourselves. If we are constantly harping on the stuff that doesn't work, then we are stuck in that endless cycle. If something doesn't work, it most likely doesn't work for a valid reason. The key is to acknowledge the reason. Forcing it to try to make it work, no more makes that happen than slapping wings on a pig and expecting it to fly.
So instead of focusing on what is not as seamless as I'd like, I'd rather change how I approach it. Only then, can I be objective enough to make the adjustments that will in fact bring me closer to that media influenced life of pure bliss.
I gave up long ago wishing for perfection. As is the case, I live life day to day and deal with everything that comes my way...on its own merit. There really is no other way to do it. There are days that are truly terrific on every level. Almost as though the planets and stars align so that everything functions seamlessly. Then there are other days where no matter what I do, where I go or who I talk to, its an endless battle of futility. On those days I realize I should have checked my horoscope before I even got out of bed.
Everything we are bombarded with exploits the idea of the perfect life in such a way that if we aren't one of the seemingly lucky few who have plenty of money, the perfect career, the perfect mate, great health...etc, then there is something seriously wrong with us. If that is the case, then I am just this side of a lost cause.
Looking back on the past many years, from the outside it would seem like my life was perfect. It was far from it. My struggles and fears were (are) no different from anyone else's. As I watched my life as I knew it, unravel, it took a toll no matter what anyone thinks. The reality is we can't undo the past. Every choice we make brings us to where we are now so that we can only go forward from this point.
One of my favorite quotes is "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein.
Rehashing what doesn't work, doesn't provide an answer for what does. Accepting that everything that comes our way, is our own self prophecy, should make us take some responsibility for where we find ourselves. If we are constantly harping on the stuff that doesn't work, then we are stuck in that endless cycle. If something doesn't work, it most likely doesn't work for a valid reason. The key is to acknowledge the reason. Forcing it to try to make it work, no more makes that happen than slapping wings on a pig and expecting it to fly.
So instead of focusing on what is not as seamless as I'd like, I'd rather change how I approach it. Only then, can I be objective enough to make the adjustments that will in fact bring me closer to that media influenced life of pure bliss.
Monday, August 11, 2008
An Anniversary of Sorts
Last August, I began an eight week sabbatical. I had booked a bike ride along the Oregon Coast's 350+ miles, with a company called Cycling Escapes http://cyclingescapes.com/ (little plug there). After 30 years of working non-stop, with 27 of them on Wall Street, to say I was burned out would have been an understatement of colossal proportions. I used this bike trip as the foundation for some much desired and needed time away from everything.
Little did I know that as a result of my hiatus, how I was about to react to one of the most cataclysmic course changes of my entire life would be surprising, even to me.
For the past several years I had been increasingly dissatisfied in my career, but like most people voluntary change is not appealing for a myriad of reasons. Responsibilities are endless. Financial, familial, social…etc. There is a theory that when you reach a higher level of awareness, all the things in your life that no longer suit you, spit you out.
On December 7th, the world as I had built it for myself came to an abrupt end. With the unexpected exodus of our firm’s single largest client, I finally got my wish. I was free. I think I had a mini breakdown that night when it all hit home. I cried for what seemed like hours (probably not more than 30 minutes) but whether that was induced by the second bottle of wine, feeling sorry for myself, or realizing that I was no longer going to be a part of an amazingly talented group of people, I’m not sure. Somewhere buried in there was the fact that I was relieved I did not have to make the choice to leave and that circumstances beyond my control were making that decision for me. It was scary as hell.
I’d wanted to walk away from the business for many years prior and the perfect opportunity had now presented itself. My friends thought I was crazy. I was ill prepared for this type of change. I’m nowhere near retirement age but then it dawned on me, if I want to do what I really love, then I couldn’t be stuck in an industry I’d come to detest.
It has not been easy. The adjustments have been huge on many levels. As much as I miss the people I love, my family, my unbelievable friends, my cerebral soulmate (who continues to inspire me), I know they are but a phone call, IM or text message away.
I am extremely fortunate to have met and become acquainted with some extraordinary people here as well. Everyone, from this saint of a man, who humors me when I want to play pool, (he has endless patience because I so totally suck. The idea of physics is lost on me) to anyone else I see on a continuous basis, make this town a truly wonderful place to be. Sure there are ups and downs. I don’t let people into my life easily and get ridiculously defensive when I feel my personal space is being violated, but that’s just me. It is hard to undo 47 years behavior. But I’m trying.
So as I become more immersed in this new life, I know the time is approaching to take that next step. I always felt I would know what it would be when the time was right, I just had to be patient
The patience is paying off.
PS: I’ve been up since 1:30am so if this post is a tad more introspective than most…well then…that’s what happens when you are wide awake in the middle of the night.
Little did I know that as a result of my hiatus, how I was about to react to one of the most cataclysmic course changes of my entire life would be surprising, even to me.
For the past several years I had been increasingly dissatisfied in my career, but like most people voluntary change is not appealing for a myriad of reasons. Responsibilities are endless. Financial, familial, social…etc. There is a theory that when you reach a higher level of awareness, all the things in your life that no longer suit you, spit you out.
On December 7th, the world as I had built it for myself came to an abrupt end. With the unexpected exodus of our firm’s single largest client, I finally got my wish. I was free. I think I had a mini breakdown that night when it all hit home. I cried for what seemed like hours (probably not more than 30 minutes) but whether that was induced by the second bottle of wine, feeling sorry for myself, or realizing that I was no longer going to be a part of an amazingly talented group of people, I’m not sure. Somewhere buried in there was the fact that I was relieved I did not have to make the choice to leave and that circumstances beyond my control were making that decision for me. It was scary as hell.
I’d wanted to walk away from the business for many years prior and the perfect opportunity had now presented itself. My friends thought I was crazy. I was ill prepared for this type of change. I’m nowhere near retirement age but then it dawned on me, if I want to do what I really love, then I couldn’t be stuck in an industry I’d come to detest.
It has not been easy. The adjustments have been huge on many levels. As much as I miss the people I love, my family, my unbelievable friends, my cerebral soulmate (who continues to inspire me), I know they are but a phone call, IM or text message away.
I am extremely fortunate to have met and become acquainted with some extraordinary people here as well. Everyone, from this saint of a man, who humors me when I want to play pool, (he has endless patience because I so totally suck. The idea of physics is lost on me) to anyone else I see on a continuous basis, make this town a truly wonderful place to be. Sure there are ups and downs. I don’t let people into my life easily and get ridiculously defensive when I feel my personal space is being violated, but that’s just me. It is hard to undo 47 years behavior. But I’m trying.
So as I become more immersed in this new life, I know the time is approaching to take that next step. I always felt I would know what it would be when the time was right, I just had to be patient
The patience is paying off.
PS: I’ve been up since 1:30am so if this post is a tad more introspective than most…well then…that’s what happens when you are wide awake in the middle of the night.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Old Dogs
Hey!! The sun is shining this morning. A friend told me it has rained every day since July 18th. I haven't checked to see if that is accurate, but if it isn't, its close enough. It has rained a portion of every day for quite a while now and makes it hard to plan an outdoor day.
Most of the time that doesn't much faze me as I can change my schedule on a whim, but this week I have my 3 1/2 year old niece with me for what we call a 'girl's weekend'. She is as well behaved as a curious small child can be. She's articulate and pretty funny. (signs of Auntie abound).
Having a child underfoot (literally as she is currently under my desk trying to catch my dog, who does NOT want to be caught) is a interesting experience. She informs me on an hourly basis of how she is planning on playing (read torturing) Zia.
"Zia and I are playing tag." (Zia hasn't master the 'you're it' part).
"Zia and I are playing catch." (wherein she will throw a ball which will either hit me, the ceiling or the TV and thankfully miss the dog)
"I'm feeding Zia."... at which point I had to explain that dogs do not eat with spoons.
I've had to tell her a number of times that even though Zia is tiny, she is an older dog. (One who isn't used to children tormenting her).
Zia has taken to hiding in my bedroom on her own bed. When she hears footsteps she runs under my bed. She is so small she has several inches of clearance and is impossible to fish out though my niece will try. Yesterday, my niece was determined to get the dog and she went upstairs to 'see' what the dog was doing. I waited by the steps and watched as she attempted to carry the dog down the stairs. I had to save them both. My niece from possibly losing her balance, and my dog from being road kill in my house. I've checked her ribs for possible fractures and so far we are good. No unnecessary trips to the vet in my future.
My niece can't quite figure out why the dog will not come to her willingly. I've had to sit with her and explain that the dog does not trust that she won't be hurt. She is now trying to attract the dog with gentle petting. It seems to be working.
Maybe I have something to learn from this.
Most of the time that doesn't much faze me as I can change my schedule on a whim, but this week I have my 3 1/2 year old niece with me for what we call a 'girl's weekend'. She is as well behaved as a curious small child can be. She's articulate and pretty funny. (signs of Auntie abound).
Having a child underfoot (literally as she is currently under my desk trying to catch my dog, who does NOT want to be caught) is a interesting experience. She informs me on an hourly basis of how she is planning on playing (read torturing) Zia.
"Zia and I are playing tag." (Zia hasn't master the 'you're it' part).
"Zia and I are playing catch." (wherein she will throw a ball which will either hit me, the ceiling or the TV and thankfully miss the dog)
"I'm feeding Zia."... at which point I had to explain that dogs do not eat with spoons.
I've had to tell her a number of times that even though Zia is tiny, she is an older dog. (One who isn't used to children tormenting her).
Zia has taken to hiding in my bedroom on her own bed. When she hears footsteps she runs under my bed. She is so small she has several inches of clearance and is impossible to fish out though my niece will try. Yesterday, my niece was determined to get the dog and she went upstairs to 'see' what the dog was doing. I waited by the steps and watched as she attempted to carry the dog down the stairs. I had to save them both. My niece from possibly losing her balance, and my dog from being road kill in my house. I've checked her ribs for possible fractures and so far we are good. No unnecessary trips to the vet in my future.
My niece can't quite figure out why the dog will not come to her willingly. I've had to sit with her and explain that the dog does not trust that she won't be hurt. She is now trying to attract the dog with gentle petting. It seems to be working.
Maybe I have something to learn from this.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
My Yin & Yang Ratio is Off
Like the equivalent of an emotional mullet, it has become increasing apparent to me that my Yin/Yang balance is...well...unbalanced.
I'm all business in the front (Yang) and very little party in the back (Yin). For those of you who are not familiar with the Chinese theory of opposing forces, in a nutshell it is what is considered the balance of feminine (Yin)/masculine (Yang) energies...which by the way...has NOTHING to do with the male or female gender. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang
A few years ago, while dining with a relatively new friend (at the time) we were talking about life views and the like and he said to me "You are the strongest person I've ever met." Now, mind you, coming from a man who I thought was far stronger than I, I was not exactly thrilled by the comment. It hit me in a very negative way and I think I took offense though obviously he was not talking brute strength for I'm sure he could have pinned me in 3.2 seconds.
OK. I'm learning to accept the fact that I am a strong person and as I come to better know who I really am, I am FINALLY understanding why I attract a certain type of individual (male) into my life.
When a pattern gets repetitive, as in the dynamics of negative relationships, there are twos ways to think about it.
1- I'm just unlucky in that department
or
2-What is it that I am doing that creates an attraction to a tumultuous relationship?
After the demise of a particularly stressful one recently (totally unbalanced...as in WAY too much yang), I had to really stop and think about why this was happening yet again. The pattern (as pointed out by a friend) was the same.
As a strong female, I tend to attract incredibly strong male counterparts which I admire and respect. If that was all there was to it, then there would be no problem. But, that is not the case. The added issues are (and herein lies the pattern) that almost every relationship I've had the man has had some serious issues with some form of addiction and his Mother. It took this last go round to figure that out. Lets face it, in a romantic relationship that last thing I want to be viewed as is my lover's archetypal mother.
It is far easier to look at this stuff at face value when there is little emotional investment. When you leave the component of expectations out of it and accept people for who they are, the relationship will either survive or die on its own with little help. The only time an unhealthy relationship outlives its usefulness is when the parties involved refuse to accept that there is something they are doing that is creating the drama. Everything we do, everyone we interact with is a deliberate choice in how we want to live.
Instead of trying to 'fix' this situation, I just viewed it from the vantage point of an observer with no judgements. Just curiosity. I took my own ego and pride out of the equation. As a result, the destruction was immediate with no help from me. It was actually quite refreshing. The relationship spit itself out because it was not in the interest of my higher good..or his for that matter. Whatever it was he thought he needed was not coming from me. He will find his way when he is ready.
Now that I realize my Yin is way off I know what it will take to find the ideal balance and not waste time with those who throw me off kilter.
I'm all business in the front (Yang) and very little party in the back (Yin). For those of you who are not familiar with the Chinese theory of opposing forces, in a nutshell it is what is considered the balance of feminine (Yin)/masculine (Yang) energies...which by the way...has NOTHING to do with the male or female gender. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang
A few years ago, while dining with a relatively new friend (at the time) we were talking about life views and the like and he said to me "You are the strongest person I've ever met." Now, mind you, coming from a man who I thought was far stronger than I, I was not exactly thrilled by the comment. It hit me in a very negative way and I think I took offense though obviously he was not talking brute strength for I'm sure he could have pinned me in 3.2 seconds.
OK. I'm learning to accept the fact that I am a strong person and as I come to better know who I really am, I am FINALLY understanding why I attract a certain type of individual (male) into my life.
When a pattern gets repetitive, as in the dynamics of negative relationships, there are twos ways to think about it.
1- I'm just unlucky in that department
or
2-What is it that I am doing that creates an attraction to a tumultuous relationship?
After the demise of a particularly stressful one recently (totally unbalanced...as in WAY too much yang), I had to really stop and think about why this was happening yet again. The pattern (as pointed out by a friend) was the same.
As a strong female, I tend to attract incredibly strong male counterparts which I admire and respect. If that was all there was to it, then there would be no problem. But, that is not the case. The added issues are (and herein lies the pattern) that almost every relationship I've had the man has had some serious issues with some form of addiction and his Mother. It took this last go round to figure that out. Lets face it, in a romantic relationship that last thing I want to be viewed as is my lover's archetypal mother.
It is far easier to look at this stuff at face value when there is little emotional investment. When you leave the component of expectations out of it and accept people for who they are, the relationship will either survive or die on its own with little help. The only time an unhealthy relationship outlives its usefulness is when the parties involved refuse to accept that there is something they are doing that is creating the drama. Everything we do, everyone we interact with is a deliberate choice in how we want to live.
Instead of trying to 'fix' this situation, I just viewed it from the vantage point of an observer with no judgements. Just curiosity. I took my own ego and pride out of the equation. As a result, the destruction was immediate with no help from me. It was actually quite refreshing. The relationship spit itself out because it was not in the interest of my higher good..or his for that matter. Whatever it was he thought he needed was not coming from me. He will find his way when he is ready.
Now that I realize my Yin is way off I know what it will take to find the ideal balance and not waste time with those who throw me off kilter.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Back in the Saddle Again...
I am driving to the City today to join some friends for dinner.
Hopefully an interesting post will come out of it.
Hopefully an interesting post will come out of it.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Did Ya Hear.....???
Personalities that exist in a large city, exist here as well.
The difference is that because of the smaller pool of individuals...the personalities seem more concentrated. I know the same types of people I knew back in NYC. The artistic type. The holistic type. The business type. The party type...I could go on forever but you get the idea. When you are like me and gravitate towards everyone of those personalities at any given time, you get a real feel for the makeup of a place and you find out that people are people no matter where you are. They have the same securities and insecurities here as well as there.
Living in a small town has some interesting conditions to navigate. For one thing people seem to know more about your life than you do and those assumptions are made mainly from hearsay. Its the one thing that stands uniform. The ability for people to talk and express opinions and judgements about what others are doing whether or not they are fact. Just because they don't actually see or hear something from me directly, doesn't mean in their eyes that the information is not true.
How is that possible? Well, I'm really not sure, but sometimes I will be asked a question about something I'm supposedly doing and am truly at a loss for an answer because I have no idea what they are talking about. That does not mean that there isn't an answer. It just means I don't have one but an answer will surely materialize whether or not the words are uttered directly from my vocal cords. So, I rest easy knowing that there is plenty of fodder to keep people (as well as me) informed.
As you are well aware by now, I hang out in one of the two local pubs in town. I'm not much of a drinker...most of you know that. But because it is such a small place, after many months I know almost everyone that hangs there too and its become a comfortable place to just be. Kind of like hanging out at a friend's house only with an endless supply of Miller Lite.
Early on I made it a point to not date anyone I met there. At the time my reasons were that it wouldn't be fair to get involved with someone if I knew I would be leaving Vermont in a few weeks. But now that its become apparent that I am not going anywhere for a while, I don't regret my decision because unlike the city...there is really nowhere to hide. (OK Mark...NOW do you get it?)
I'll walk into the pub on any given evening and come face to face with someone who I could have dated. Sometimes there are more than three of them present. Yeah, imagine that. What would they do? Compare notes? "What did she wear when she was with you?" "Did she wear that lace thingy?"
I mean really. Its bad enough that people talk about the life they think I lead, but do I want them talking about the life I do lead? Ah....no.
Because I tend not to be available. There have been a number of choice adjectives to describe me. Snob, overbearing (moi?), on my 'high horse', and best of all, a lesbian. Now, no offense to snobs, people who are overbearing, equestrians or lesbians. But one night, after I turned down an dinner invitation from a guy who I've come to know over the past few months, he actually said "No? what are you a lesbian or something?"
Yeah, I'm a something. A something that doesn't want to watch your face chew...anything.
So I've been given, titles, events, labels etc. It is quite comical really. Each person knows only a fraction of what I do so they tend to fill in the blanks.
Funny thing is I am entirely disinterested in what they do because I have my hands full keeping up with finding out what is going on in my own life.
PS: I've adjusted the comment field so that anyone should be able to comment without having to subscribe to Google.
The difference is that because of the smaller pool of individuals...the personalities seem more concentrated. I know the same types of people I knew back in NYC. The artistic type. The holistic type. The business type. The party type...I could go on forever but you get the idea. When you are like me and gravitate towards everyone of those personalities at any given time, you get a real feel for the makeup of a place and you find out that people are people no matter where you are. They have the same securities and insecurities here as well as there.
Living in a small town has some interesting conditions to navigate. For one thing people seem to know more about your life than you do and those assumptions are made mainly from hearsay. Its the one thing that stands uniform. The ability for people to talk and express opinions and judgements about what others are doing whether or not they are fact. Just because they don't actually see or hear something from me directly, doesn't mean in their eyes that the information is not true.
How is that possible? Well, I'm really not sure, but sometimes I will be asked a question about something I'm supposedly doing and am truly at a loss for an answer because I have no idea what they are talking about. That does not mean that there isn't an answer. It just means I don't have one but an answer will surely materialize whether or not the words are uttered directly from my vocal cords. So, I rest easy knowing that there is plenty of fodder to keep people (as well as me) informed.
As you are well aware by now, I hang out in one of the two local pubs in town. I'm not much of a drinker...most of you know that. But because it is such a small place, after many months I know almost everyone that hangs there too and its become a comfortable place to just be. Kind of like hanging out at a friend's house only with an endless supply of Miller Lite.
Early on I made it a point to not date anyone I met there. At the time my reasons were that it wouldn't be fair to get involved with someone if I knew I would be leaving Vermont in a few weeks. But now that its become apparent that I am not going anywhere for a while, I don't regret my decision because unlike the city...there is really nowhere to hide. (OK Mark...NOW do you get it?)
I'll walk into the pub on any given evening and come face to face with someone who I could have dated. Sometimes there are more than three of them present. Yeah, imagine that. What would they do? Compare notes? "What did she wear when she was with you?" "Did she wear that lace thingy?"
I mean really. Its bad enough that people talk about the life they think I lead, but do I want them talking about the life I do lead? Ah....no.
Because I tend not to be available. There have been a number of choice adjectives to describe me. Snob, overbearing (moi?), on my 'high horse', and best of all, a lesbian. Now, no offense to snobs, people who are overbearing, equestrians or lesbians. But one night, after I turned down an dinner invitation from a guy who I've come to know over the past few months, he actually said "No? what are you a lesbian or something?"
Yeah, I'm a something. A something that doesn't want to watch your face chew...anything.
So I've been given, titles, events, labels etc. It is quite comical really. Each person knows only a fraction of what I do so they tend to fill in the blanks.
Funny thing is I am entirely disinterested in what they do because I have my hands full keeping up with finding out what is going on in my own life.
PS: I've adjusted the comment field so that anyone should be able to comment without having to subscribe to Google.
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