Rehashing the Past

Somehow I've lost sight of what I wanted to accomplish with this blog. I'm not sure I had anything in mind at the time I started it other than to hone up on my writing skills.

In the beginning I think I wrote more from the heart than what ultimately became writing about inconsequential nonsense. There were days that I wrote from an introspective view point which might have seemed a little too heavy for some so I began adding a little humor at the ridiculousness of the mundane.

When you write for a audience larger than yourself you begin to take writing in an entirely different direction and when that happens you lose part of yourself.

I lost it.

I lost my focus on what was important to me. If someone found value in anything I'd written I was pleased. Not whether they thought I could construct a piece from an errant thought but whether or not something I had to say hit a nerve.

Finding out what you are good at takes patience. I'm not a very patient person. Most of the time those things that are important to me made me wonder if they were important to anyone else. Changes in life, those I asked for brought about a perspective I wasn't aware I had nor a perspective I was ready for.

Last night a friend challenged me to write from the heart. Write about my true fears, my true expectations, my true challenges. Instead of reporting the news, write about living it.

"How does it feel to have lost your job?" he said. "How do you REALLY feel about it? Are you angry? Are you sad? How does it FEEL to lose your identity? How does it feel to earn about less than 1% of what you are used to?"

I never thought any of it had value and who the hell wants to hear me gripe about it anyway? But he made me realize that what I'd gone through last year has affected many people. Those that can relate to the turmoil life changes can bring into a pleasant existence would know that they are not alone in the struggle. And boy its been a struggle. Redefining who you are is never easy. If I were a different personality I'd be deep into anything that would make me forget.

How did I feel about losing my job?

Angry. Disgusted. Scared shitless.

Despite the fact that in my heart I was long ready to leave Wall Street, when the reality hit it overturned my world. That Friday night, after we found out the firm was history I was numb with my only intention of getting even more numb. My apartment was overrun by boxes because I was moving that next Monday so one of my co-workers and I decided to just get drunk. Who decides that? Drunk is what happens when you've had more than a couple but this was planned. Armed with 3 bottles of wine I went to her apartment. Armed with her own bottles we preceded to make sense of it all. It wasn't a huge surprise, we'd known for over a year that this outcome was a possibility.

Well into our 4th bottle nothing made sense anymore. It was confusing. The rug had been pulled and even though deep inside I knew it was for the better, I still wanted to scream. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready by a long shot. I remember the song "Run" playing and at that moment I completely lost all reserve I ever had. I broke down and I broke down hard. I sat on the floor feeling as though someone had ripped out my guts and was hanging them over my head saying "OK. Now you got want you wanted. How does THAT feel?"

It was crushing. It was excruciating. As I sat on the floor rocking, the dam that held back my fears broke. It didn't crack, it imploded. I cried so hard I couldn't even breathe and all that could come out of my mouth was "I'm Sorry!" I felt as though I was making a colossal fool of myself. All she could say was "Thank God you're crying. It shows you're human after all."

Yeah, I'm human I don't think I was ever more human than that night. I barely remember getting home. Walked out the door, got in a taxi and somehow found myself in my bed curled up like an infant desperately wanting someone to tell me it would be OK in the end.

The numbness stayed for a long time. I reconstructed the dam and even now as I try to figure out where this is all leading I can't help thinking that if I take my finger out of this fragile dam there really will be no turning back.