Peeling Back the Layers to my Heart

There is no better way to truly get acquainted with yourself than purposely isolating from everything and everyone you hold dear. In the state of removing yourself from the familiar, you happen upon a place that is somewhere between excruciating hell and the heaven you ultimately hope to find.

Not many people do this intentionally but there are those of us who are insane enough to try. The problem with getting to know who you really are is that as you struggle through the ups and multiple downs, you aren't fully aware that what you are really doing is resetting pieces of your heart that somewhere along the line became confused by ideals which no longer serve you. For most, attempts are abandoned midway and distractions which appear behind a variety of masks are eagerly embraced.

Unlike the setting of a broken limb, setting a broken heart or spirit is undeniably complicated. For one thing there isn't anything which physically protects the injury in order to aid in the healing process. All you have is the hope and faith that you will somehow find a reservoir of internal strength you didn't even know existed.

My journey to the halfway mark has been marred by expectations I've had where I thought that once the temporary set of circumstances which kept me here changed, I would once again be free to rejoin my friends and family back home. I decided long ago that because this was temporary, there was no point in me establishing a life when I knew I would be leaving eventually. The problem with eventually is that it does not define a time table, so the end result is a life half lived because of commitments unwilling to be made with the excuse of not wanting to disappoint or hurt others. That thought, tucked in the recesses of my brain, has acted like an invisible yet solid barrier to all I could consider committing to here. Even though, on close inspection, the circumstances are completely self imposed.

Until last week, I had not returned to the City for any considerable length of time. I finally got 'outta dodge' and back to a world and energy that I so loved and desperately longed for. The City has always been a beacon for me and the distance and exile have made the yearning sweeter still. The holy grail of a life well lived.

It is amazing that you can communicate with people twenty four hours a day by any electronic method and still break out into the widest smile when you see them them enter a room. While sitting in a popular midtown restaurant with people I love and dearly miss, I was surprised by a certain feeling. As I looked at the smiling faces around me I realized what I truly desired was not found in that place. You can be surrounded by everything familiar and everyone you love and still have a sense of loneliness which can be crushing. I loved the idea of sharing meals, and wine and most importantly the endless laughter and face splitting smiles. But, at the end, there was one thing which didn't make sense to me. Here I was, back where I longed to be, and somehow I felt I was missing something vital. There was a lack of contentment just shy of being absurd. I realized then that almost everything I wanted was not found in that there.

For the first time in my life I really understood the phrase "Home is Where the Heart is."

I am back in Vermont now and the pressure is off as to whether or not I am here temporarily. It doesn't much matter. As long as I let go of the idea of protecting my heart from unseen hiccups in the the road, I will no longer view this as an unwelcome detour but as part of the journey which would lead me somewhere I've always wanted to be. And that somewhere is where I am now. At peace with myself.