More Focus Please

Life has taken on an interesting dynamic of late. For many years I had an idea of my future simply from understanding where I was at any given moment. It would stand to reason that if a path was followed in a particular way, then the outcome would most likely be what I thought it would be.

But in the past six months, there has been no understanding of where I was at any given moment. Those who know me well can attest to the fact that my mind has changed with every passing day. The joke has been, 'Well, today is (insert day) we'll see where you are tomorrow". The implication was that I could not or would not focus on one thing.

For me, it wasn't the idea that I had no focus but more the idea that every choice led to a path I wanted desperately to walk and so I tried each one on for size. Its like being a kid in a candy store. So much. So much choice. How could I possibly choose just one? Its been fun. Its been exciting and its been very exhausting. I've had to let go of the person who held a rigid view of what must be done in favor of the person who allowed things to unfold in due time. It is far easier said than done, but so far an extremely rewarding experience.

I've been berating myself for having such a complete and total lack of commitment to anything. But I understand that it is a necessary approach. When I was younger, it was far easier to walk away from something that didn't speak to some higher part of myself (though I didn't know it at the time) and yet, I as grew older, that very same attribute became a cause for concern. Did I walk away because there was something better out there or, more importantly, because it did not speak to my core?

As I try new experiences to see how they fit, I am finding that there are elements of each that truly speak to who I am. I love discovering that about me. I've not walked away from much, mainly just in my head because I have an issue with people who fall through on their commitments. If I commit to something, I do it. If it doesn't work, for any number of reasons, then I find a way to extricate myself without it being a problem for another. This works pretty well, except of course in a relationship, that one is far more difficult, but not impossible.

There is so much more I want to do and experience but I am becoming aware that the reason for the lack of commitment to any one thing is because there is a lack of focus to any one thing. My biggest concern has been whether or not something or someone is right for me because I don’t want to make a mistake. But I am learning that there are no mistakes. There is no right or wrong therefore it doesn't really matter. There is only how I feel about something and that lets me know whether or not I want to focus on it.

The one constant in my life, regardless of the many things I've been involved with, is my writing. That has been my driver. That is where my heart is. Everything else I do, I do because I love the idea of meeting new people, having completely different and foreign experiences and knowing that each one of them is allowing me to have a better understanding of how I relate to my world. I’ve come away from these experiences knowing myself a little bit better. This allows me to be comfortable with who I am and will eventually lead to a more focused path where I can put most of my energy in continuing to create a life I am truly enjoying.