Piece of my Heart

Tonight I had the privilege of seeing an old friend.

Being here I don't get to the movies as often as I had in NY. There I lived a block away from a ten screen theater and saw countless movies over the years. Here, something I took for granted back home can only be a 'planned' event. So a friend and I drove 26 miles into the nearest town with a movie theater to see 'Sex and the City'.

I was never a fan of the HBO series though it was so popular that I knew what was going on at any given time. For one thing, I couldn't really relate to it. The clothes, the SHOES and basically the life style. They'd never make a show about my life. I don't imagine having an audience bored to tears makes for great ratings. Toward the series end, I did watch the last few shows and though a couple of the characters made me crazy (two of whom I could never be friends with) there was one central character that made me smile and I'm not talking Carrie Bradshaw.

I'm talking "The City" itself.

The experience of seeing a movie like that in the heart of a small town is vastly different than had I seen it back home.

There were glimpses of streets I've walked and restaurants I've dined in. There were jokes that only New Yorkers could have the faintest idea of the meaning. The proverbial 'inside joke'. Had I been in the city watching this movie, the laughter would have been contagious with heads nodding and whispers of 'yeah, I totally get that'. As it was, the giggling and nodding was done by a party of one. Me. I'm sure I became annoying to my friend when I would spout gems like: "I know that street". "I've had dinner in that restaurant". "Oh the library, I've actually been at a party there". She didn't tell me to shut up because I think she understood what I was feeling.

There is a scene in the movie which takes place on the south side of the New York Public Library and reminded me of the many times over many years when I would walk home from work and cut across Bryant Park. At that very moment I felt a giant tug at my heart. I missed it. I could feel my wonderful city come through the big screen for me. The affect won't be the same for everyone who sees it. If the city is a daily part of the viewer's life then its just that. If they've never been in the city, the city, as a character, is not one they could readily relate to. But for me, it was the one character I knew intimately. A character I know and love and totally understand.

It was almost like seeing an old lover. The one who for some incomprehensible reason (to you) didn't work out even though you were of like mind. The one, who if you did run into, you'd recognize that a piece of your heart was still held by them and you'd know that you would never actually have it back but also that it was in a safe place. That was what watching this movie was for me. I feel as though I've found a box of ancient photos in the back of my Mother's closet and the pictures are shading me with a sense of nostalgia that if I'm not careful can become heavy on my heart.


The City can be unforgiving and forgiving all at once. There is room for error and then none. It is bigger than life itself. It is difficult to understand the energy and the life which grows from it unless one experiences it for themselves. Only when one decides to step away can one truly understand the hole it leaves in the core of one's being.


Like a child experiencing the fear of stepping out into the unknown without a real plan, at this very moment I long to be standing on the balcony of my old apartment and gazing at the contours of the East River and the twinkling lights of all the bridges. I am fortunate I got to live my dream. My idea of the ultimate apartment in the city. High in the heavens with a view that was breathtaking. I chose that life. It was something I desired for a long time and I brought it to me.

Just as I have brought this life to me now.

Time will tell whether my old love and I will finally find a way to be together again with a better understanding of how we relate. For now I will be grateful for the opportunity of experiencing what can possibly turn out to be a trial separation.

Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder.