Change

A friend once said to me "We'll have all the answers when we die". Perhaps a morbid way to begin this post but maybe there is something to that way of thinking.

I am not alone in that I search for answers on a daily basis. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is it I'm supposed to do? Well, maybe I'm doing it.

Somehow it seems like I'm to do more, yet I don't know what that 'more' is. So I search. I think that as long I just take each moment as it comes and make my choices as they present themselves, that is what I'm supposed to be doing.

I come from a world filled with worry about tomorrow. Advancing in career. Building the 401K. Kids. College. Saving for a rainy day. Etc... Very few of us worry about this minute because while we are in this 'minute' it comes and goes, we do whatever it is that is being asked of us and we don't give another thought to the fact that we made a choice regarding how we will spend our lives. Even if we are doing nothing. You see, minutes become hours which become days which become, well, you get the picture. Doing nothing is a choice.

My world of calculated responses and timing is finding its way into the past and as much as I'd like to orchestrate my existence, I'm finding that I really don't have control of many things that present themselves. Nor does anyone. The only control I have is how I deal with each individual situation in any given point in time.

Its truly quite refreshing. This is not in the least to imply that I am stress free. Believe me I am far from that. But I will tell you I am far less stressed than I was 4 months ago. What has changed? Nothing except my attitude.

I have been torn with the desire to 'go back' but I understand I can't really ever go back. Sure, I can physically return to NY, get a job, continue my life as it was but I would not be going back as who I was, I'd be going back as who I am now. A very different person. To the outside world I am quite the same. I still have a sick sense of humor. I am still a workaholic, I still have the desire to not fail, and I am STILL very hard on myself, but now for vastly different reasons. Now its because I'm doing what I want for me, and not because it looks good to the anyone else.

Jobs, homes, family, those things don't make you who you are, who you are in relationship to those things is the key to putting them in perspective.

Its very misty outside. It has been raining since yesterday. I was up just before 6 this morning which is very early even for me. The mist was like a blanket on the lake as is the case most mornings but today I thought how different the natural landscape looked. I'm sure it doesn't look the same as it had one thousand years ago, but the changes would have been ever so subtle and it would be as it was yesterday. I don't expect there to be much change in what remains of my life time. What changed was my perception of it.

It that minute it looked peaceful yet foreboding. As I sit here and write, the sun is trying strenuously to break through the cloud cover and the mist is slowly disappearing. The still water once again reflects the light and every once in a while a duck will come in for a crash landing which disturbs the mirror image I look at. Nothing has radically changed. The landscape is still the same. With every passing day I realize that I am I coming to know this landscape more intimately than ever and now I am beginning to perceive even the slightest nuances of change. The illusion of stillness is just that. An illusion.

Such is the life we live. When we come to truly know ourselves, we are in tuned to the nuances of our lives. Maybe, my friend is right. The answer will take care of themselves and all we really need to do is just learn how to be.