Ahhhhh

This night is a real snoozer.

For the past several months I've been on this 'write your book' kick. Yeah, my book. The one which will astound the masses and make them drip with envy.

The book would start out as a 'sleeper best seller'. Word of mouth over and over again until that one day when I would get 'the' call. The call almost every obscure writer could only ever dream of. I can see it now. The phone rings and yes, on the other end are the producers of Oprah. How did they find me I wonder? My number is unlisted. But there they are asking if I would grace the stage with the mighty Ms. Winfrey because my book is the latest addition to her 'Book Club".

Having owned my own bookstore I can tell you that the second Oprah decides its good, the sales EXPLODE. There is really is no other way of saying it. They EXPLODE. Check out the best seller list for the past few years. You'll understand.

I've spent much of the afternoon reading everything I have written thus far for 'my book'. I fell asleep a couple of times. Read more and got confused more often than not. Tried to make sense of 'where the hell was I going with THAT?" Among a lot of little annoyances which left me feeling like my words would cause narcoleptic episodes for anyone who would read them.

I think I managed to salvage perhaps only one page.

You might recall the movie "Funny Farm" starring Chevy Chase. He is a journalist who moves to Vermont (I believe it was shot in Woodstock, VT) to write his crime thriller. On the night of their anniversary he presents his work to his wife so that she can have the honor of reading the first draft. That is her present. Once she is finished, the camera pans to her and she begins to cry hysterically because the book is SOOOOO bad. My favorite line is when she says "And here, you have a flash sideways!!". That always cracks me up.

So, unless this work is to be chosen to put young children to sleep I think it best to start from scratch. I owe it to the reader to put out the best work I can.

And yes, when the phone does ring...I am hoping it will be someone other than my mother.

Oscar's in the House

Imagination.

The Academy Awards are watched by millions of people all over the global. What is it about this very long and sometimes very boring production that keeps us glued to our TVs?

It certainly doesn't have the excitement of the Super Bowl. It pales in comparison to the World Series, yet year after year we tune in.

This is a show that honors creativity at every level. Those who are a part of this industry are living proof that the creative spirit lives within each one of us and to never give up our dreams; whatever they may be. They nurture the inner child and those of us who nurture our inner child know that without it we would be less than what we can be.

Its a testament to the fact that one can truly live their passion. How many of us can truly say we are living our passion? Each one of us yearn for that moment in our lives when we can live how our souls truly want us to live. The most difficult part is figuring out what that is. I believe it is that which makes us smile and lose track of time. To be able to say "wow. where did the time go? I want more." can seem almost unrealistic but absolutely attainable.

The problem is that most of us are striving for security and as a result fore go those things we deem frivolous. Yet the frivolous is what keeps us going.

Those of you who have been following this blog since the beginning and those of you who know me personally know by now that no matter what we think is secure, it is just a moment away from disappearing. What we have in the end is who we are and that is the only thing we are assured of.

Only when the superfluous wrappings are removed from our lives can we really begin to understand that which makes us whole. It allows us to explore our own imagination for those things that make us truly smile.

Dangerous Beauty

Mid February and once again Mother Nature has graciously rewarded this region with a display of her special talents. Maybe to ensure that the city folk make their way north to spend their hard earned dollars on fun and frivolity.

Country roads can be beautiful no matter what the season but there is something surreal about driving those roads at night when they are blanketed with snow.

How can something so beautiful be so treacherous?

My final drives to and from wally world are fast becoming a white knuckle experience. There are two conditions under which I have always loathe driving.

1. At night
2. In a torrential downpour.

I have added a 3rd. Snow storms...at night.

Not the type of storm where the snow glides gracefully to the ground, but where the clusters of flakes packed fist tight plummet so fast that your stomach decides to take a ride of its own in the opposite direction.

For whatever reason and I'm sure there is a logical one, driving into a snow storm feels as though you have pushed an imaginary hyperspace button on the dashboard. Each snow flake reflects the headlights making it seem as though you are careening through space at a nauseating speed. No one in their right mind would be out in such a storm, but given that some must, the need to get somewhere fast is second only to getting there at all.

The heavy snow masked all my landmarks causing me, on multiple occasions, to take an unknown road half a mile or more before realizing my mistake. For great distances there are no guard rails to protect you from the river. Taking a turn too fast will land you where you'd be lucky to be found a few days later. Cell service is non existent so crawling your way back home is the only option for arriving without incident.

The drive last night was an experience in my ability to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest. Each winter the news will report a harrowing story which began with a wrong turn on a similar night. People getting lost and venturing out unprepared looking for help only to be found dead a few steps from rescue. How can that happen?

Panic. When heart gripping panic sets in rational thinking disappears. I was lost in my own backyard and I panicked. By the 3rd wrong turn, I had visions of settling off road for the night without the ability to tell anyone where I was and wondering whether I had a blanket in my car and thanking God that I had the foresight to fill my gas tank.

I could only imagine that an aerial view would show me driving in circles just 6 miles from my home. It took some time to get my breathing under control so that I could figure out which fork it was where I went left instead of right. Or maybe it was right instead of left? Or perhaps I was too focused on following the tracks in the unplowed road made by a truck who occupant knew exactly where he was going.

Following blindly can lead to trouble.

The snow compromised my sense of judgement erasing all I knew to be stable and true causing a number of unwelcome detours in my journey home.

I'm not anxious to drive under those conditions again but know that I will have to many times and somewhere within I know I may never get it right.

Facebook.

Fast becoming the bane of my existence. My friends have been hounding me to join for months now and I've finally given in.

I'm hooked.

I am such a PC junkie that all I needed was another site to get caught up in. They promised it would be great networking device but I love the silly stuff. I'm still exploring the site and with each new find I get as excited as a kid on Christmas day. OK. My standards for excitement are low but then I am 48. There are loads of silly content. Its like having permission to act 12 again. But I'm not sure I ever stopped.

The problem is I can get so caught up in this that I will push away everything else that needs to be done, like write....read (have 3 books in from Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/)

I will log off now and join the rest of the world....right after I check the market.....or...maybe I shouldn't?

Oh Well..Next Please

I resigned from wally world yesterday. Yes, the fortune 500 company I referred in a previous post. Wall-Mart. In a place where most people have no regard and just don't show up anymore, I took the professional way out and handed in a letter of resignation. 30 years on Wall Street taught me YOU DON'T BURN BRIDGES....EVER.

The letter was not full of honey coated lip service. It was a direct and expressed opinion of what I thought was wrong with this company as an employer. I might forward the letter to the regional manager and possibly the CEO. This has nothing to do with the people I have been fortunate enough to work with, most of them are terrific and work harder than anyone I've ever known for far less reward.

The company is run by bean counters who have zero clue on what makes their work force strong or weak. They are about everything BUT that. So the final score is:

Consumer: 100
Employee: 0. A big fat round zero.

When I first started, I felt that in five months I would know whether or not this was a company I would want to grow with. My five months were up and I decided:

Niete.

Now, it wasn't the job I didn't like. In fact I love my job, what I don't love is the company itself. I approached this as I approach any new endeavor; with high hopes, excitement and high expectations. Therein lies the problem.

The excitement was there..after all, this was something completely new to me. The high hopes were there...I hoped it would be something I'd want to grow into in the long run but the expectations compelled me to step back and reassess. The company itself is the problem.

It is bad enough when you work with people who are mediocre and uncaring of what they are hired to do, but I constantly saw the people in the wrong jobs. When you give your all and you watch others skate by with minimal attention to what they do it gets increasingly frustrating. My mantra of 'what is my time worth' became a broken record in my own head. I decided my time was worth much more than anything this company could give me in return. So I did what I felt was necessary. I quit.

I come from a world where mediocrity does not pay off. You are rewarded for what you bring to the table. To find myself in a company where everyone gets treated exactly the same no matter how they function in their position made me aware that all the world does not function equally. So, instead of beating my head against the proverbial wall...I quit.

I'm not a quitter. Never have been but at this age you begin to realize that life is too short to be miserable. Let that be a lesson to younger readers. Nothing is worth you being miserable.

All is not lost though. This was a valuable lesson in what makes me tic as a productive individual. I love chaos. I love people, I love putting out 'fires'. I'm good at that. What I am not good at is waiting for my break, or waiting for my dinner hour or waiting to go home.

Working for this company is like working for the government. If you want a somewhat secure and steady paycheck with the promise of a possible 10c per hour increase 'next year' than this is the place for you. It is not the place for me. I'd rather fall on my sword and make mistakes than take the easy way out.

I've always felt that if I'm going to commit 1000% to anything I do, I'd rather do it for myself. So that is what I will do. The mind is once again swirling with my next step. I know now that is must be done and had I not worked for this company during its most hectic and chaotic time of the year, I would have never come to this conclusion. I would never have had the guts to take this next step.

So for that I am grateful. Everything is a learning experience whether you know it or not. Sometimes the lesson comes well after the event and only in retrospect can we see it. So, blinders are off, lesson is learned and thus begins act II.

Rehashing the Past

Somehow I've lost sight of what I wanted to accomplish with this blog. I'm not sure I had anything in mind at the time I started it other than to hone up on my writing skills.

In the beginning I think I wrote more from the heart than what ultimately became writing about inconsequential nonsense. There were days that I wrote from an introspective view point which might have seemed a little too heavy for some so I began adding a little humor at the ridiculousness of the mundane.

When you write for a audience larger than yourself you begin to take writing in an entirely different direction and when that happens you lose part of yourself.

I lost it.

I lost my focus on what was important to me. If someone found value in anything I'd written I was pleased. Not whether they thought I could construct a piece from an errant thought but whether or not something I had to say hit a nerve.

Finding out what you are good at takes patience. I'm not a very patient person. Most of the time those things that are important to me made me wonder if they were important to anyone else. Changes in life, those I asked for brought about a perspective I wasn't aware I had nor a perspective I was ready for.

Last night a friend challenged me to write from the heart. Write about my true fears, my true expectations, my true challenges. Instead of reporting the news, write about living it.

"How does it feel to have lost your job?" he said. "How do you REALLY feel about it? Are you angry? Are you sad? How does it FEEL to lose your identity? How does it feel to earn about less than 1% of what you are used to?"

I never thought any of it had value and who the hell wants to hear me gripe about it anyway? But he made me realize that what I'd gone through last year has affected many people. Those that can relate to the turmoil life changes can bring into a pleasant existence would know that they are not alone in the struggle. And boy its been a struggle. Redefining who you are is never easy. If I were a different personality I'd be deep into anything that would make me forget.

How did I feel about losing my job?

Angry. Disgusted. Scared shitless.

Despite the fact that in my heart I was long ready to leave Wall Street, when the reality hit it overturned my world. That Friday night, after we found out the firm was history I was numb with my only intention of getting even more numb. My apartment was overrun by boxes because I was moving that next Monday so one of my co-workers and I decided to just get drunk. Who decides that? Drunk is what happens when you've had more than a couple but this was planned. Armed with 3 bottles of wine I went to her apartment. Armed with her own bottles we preceded to make sense of it all. It wasn't a huge surprise, we'd known for over a year that this outcome was a possibility.

Well into our 4th bottle nothing made sense anymore. It was confusing. The rug had been pulled and even though deep inside I knew it was for the better, I still wanted to scream. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready by a long shot. I remember the song "Run" playing and at that moment I completely lost all reserve I ever had. I broke down and I broke down hard. I sat on the floor feeling as though someone had ripped out my guts and was hanging them over my head saying "OK. Now you got want you wanted. How does THAT feel?"

It was crushing. It was excruciating. As I sat on the floor rocking, the dam that held back my fears broke. It didn't crack, it imploded. I cried so hard I couldn't even breathe and all that could come out of my mouth was "I'm Sorry!" I felt as though I was making a colossal fool of myself. All she could say was "Thank God you're crying. It shows you're human after all."

Yeah, I'm human I don't think I was ever more human than that night. I barely remember getting home. Walked out the door, got in a taxi and somehow found myself in my bed curled up like an infant desperately wanting someone to tell me it would be OK in the end.

The numbness stayed for a long time. I reconstructed the dam and even now as I try to figure out where this is all leading I can't help thinking that if I take my finger out of this fragile dam there really will be no turning back.

Stepping Out

I believe in building your own future by believing in yourself.

It lies in your hands and in your hands only.

There are few who are happy with the status quo but there are many who believe their only value is the value others put on us. It take a true understanding of who we really are to buck that trend.

If you ever want to feel like just a cog in the wheel of life, then live your life according to the rules which make you part of the rank and file. Whether it be joining the armed forces or working for an enormous organization where you don't stand out or you can't express your individuality if that is what truly makes you get up in the morning then great. But, if you want to be true to yourself then you must step out of the tried and true and take risks.

Few are comfortable with risk. Fewer still take them.

For me, risk is what makes life worth living. Sure comforts can't be guaranteed, but if taken with heart and soul, there is truly no stopping us.

Take that risk. Reach beyond the comfort zone and let life lead to to places you can only dream about.