MindBlossoms

Ahhhhh

2009-02-25T22:07:00.005-05:00

This night is a real snoozer.

For the past several months I've been on this 'write your book' kick. Yeah, my book. The one which will astound the masses and make them drip with envy.

The book would start out as a 'sleeper best seller'. Word of mouth over and over again until that one day when I would get 'the' call. The call almost every obscure writer could only ever dream of. I can see it now. The phone rings and yes, on the other end are the producers of Oprah. How did they find me I wonder? My number is unlisted. But there they are asking if I would grace the stage with the mighty Ms. Winfrey because my book is the latest addition to her 'Book Club".

Having owned my own bookstore I can tell you that the second Oprah decides its good, the sales EXPLODE. There is really is no other way of saying it. They EXPLODE. Check out the best seller list for the past few years. You'll understand.

I've spent much of the afternoon reading everything I have written thus far for 'my book'. I fell asleep a couple of times. Read more and got confused more often than not. Tried to make sense of 'where the hell was I going with THAT?" Among a lot of little annoyances which left me feeling like my words would cause narcoleptic episodes for anyone who would read them.

I think I managed to salvage perhaps only one page.

You might recall the movie "Funny Farm" starring Chevy Chase. He is a journalist who moves to Vermont (I believe it was shot in Woodstock, VT) to write his crime thriller. On the night of their anniversary he presents his work to his wife so that she can have the honor of reading the first draft. That is her present. Once she is finished, the camera pans to her and she begins to cry hysterically because the book is SOOOOO bad. My favorite line is when she says "And here, you have a flash sideways!!". That always cracks me up.

So, unless this work is to be chosen to put young children to sleep I think it best to start from scratch. I owe it to the reader to put out the best work I can.

And yes, when the phone does ring...I am hoping it will be someone other than my mother.

Oscar's in the House

2009-02-22T22:21:00.004-05:00

Imagination.

The Academy Awards are watched by millions of people all over the global. What is it about this very long and sometimes very boring production that keeps us glued to our TVs?

It certainly doesn't have the excitement of the Super Bowl. It pales in comparison to the World Series, yet year after year we tune in.

This is a show that honors creativity at every level. Those who are a part of this industry are living proof that the creative spirit lives within each one of us and to never give up our dreams; whatever they may be. They nurture the inner child and those of us who nurture our inner child know that without it we would be less than what we can be.

Its a testament to the fact that one can truly live their passion. How many of us can truly say we are living our passion? Each one of us yearn for that moment in our lives when we can live how our souls truly want us to live. The most difficult part is figuring out what that is. I believe it is that which makes us smile and lose track of time. To be able to say "wow. where did the time go? I want more." can seem almost unrealistic but absolutely attainable.

The problem is that most of us are striving for security and as a result fore go those things we deem frivolous. Yet the frivolous is what keeps us going.

Those of you who have been following this blog since the beginning and those of you who know me personally know by now that no matter what we think is secure, it is just a moment away from disappearing. What we have in the end is who we are and that is the only thing we are assured of.

Only when the superfluous wrappings are removed from our lives can we really begin to understand that which makes us whole. It allows us to explore our own imagination for those things that make us truly smile.

Dangerous Beauty

2009-02-19T15:22:00.003-05:00

Mid February and once again Mother Nature has graciously rewarded this region with a display of her special talents. Maybe to ensure that the city folk make their way north to spend their hard earned dollars on fun and frivolity.

Country roads can be beautiful no matter what the season but there is something surreal about driving those roads at night when they are blanketed with snow.

How can something so beautiful be so treacherous?

My final drives to and from wally world are fast becoming a white knuckle experience. There are two conditions under which I have always loathe driving.

1. At night
2. In a torrential downpour.

I have added a 3rd. Snow storms...at night.

Not the type of storm where the snow glides gracefully to the ground, but where the clusters of flakes packed fist tight plummet so fast that your stomach decides to take a ride of its own in the opposite direction.

For whatever reason and I'm sure there is a logical one, driving into a snow storm feels as though you have pushed an imaginary hyperspace button on the dashboard. Each snow flake reflects the headlights making it seem as though you are careening through space at a nauseating speed. No one in their right mind would be out in such a storm, but given that some must, the need to get somewhere fast is second only to getting there at all.

The heavy snow masked all my landmarks causing me, on multiple occasions, to take an unknown road half a mile or more before realizing my mistake. For great distances there are no guard rails to protect you from the river. Taking a turn too fast will land you where you'd be lucky to be found a few days later. Cell service is non existent so crawling your way back home is the only option for arriving without incident.

The drive last night was an experience in my ability to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest. Each winter the news will report a harrowing story which began with a wrong turn on a similar night. People getting lost and venturing out unprepared looking for help only to be found dead a few steps from rescue. How can that happen?

Panic. When heart gripping panic sets in rational thinking disappears. I was lost in my own backyard and I panicked. By the 3rd wrong turn, I had visions of settling off road for the night without the ability to tell anyone where I was and wondering whether I had a blanket in my car and thanking God that I had the foresight to fill my gas tank.

I could only imagine that an aerial view would show me driving in circles just 6 miles from my home. It took some time to get my breathing under control so that I could figure out which fork it was where I went left instead of right. Or maybe it was right instead of left? Or perhaps I was too focused on following the tracks in the unplowed road made by a truck who occupant knew exactly where he was going.

Following blindly can lead to trouble.

The snow compromised my sense of judgement erasing all I knew to be stable and true causing a number of unwelcome detours in my journey home.

I'm not anxious to drive under those conditions again but know that I will have to many times and somewhere within I know I may never get it right.

2009-02-17T12:52:00.002-05:00

Facebook.

Fast becoming the bane of my existence. My friends have been hounding me to join for months now and I've finally given in.

I'm hooked.

I am such a PC junkie that all I needed was another site to get caught up in. They promised it would be great networking device but I love the silly stuff. I'm still exploring the site and with each new find I get as excited as a kid on Christmas day. OK. My standards for excitement are low but then I am 48. There are loads of silly content. Its like having permission to act 12 again. But I'm not sure I ever stopped.

The problem is I can get so caught up in this that I will push away everything else that needs to be done, like write....read (have 3 books in from Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/)

I will log off now and join the rest of the world....right after I check the market.....or...maybe I shouldn't?

Oh Well..Next Please

2009-02-13T22:52:00.003-05:00

I resigned from wally world yesterday. Yes, the fortune 500 company I referred in a previous post. Wall-Mart. In a place where most people have no regard and just don't show up anymore, I took the professional way out and handed in a letter of resignation. 30 years on Wall Street taught me YOU DON'T BURN BRIDGES....EVER.

The letter was not full of honey coated lip service. It was a direct and expressed opinion of what I thought was wrong with this company as an employer. I might forward the letter to the regional manager and possibly the CEO. This has nothing to do with the people I have been fortunate enough to work with, most of them are terrific and work harder than anyone I've ever known for far less reward.

The company is run by bean counters who have zero clue on what makes their work force strong or weak. They are about everything BUT that. So the final score is:

Consumer: 100
Employee: 0. A big fat round zero.

When I first started, I felt that in five months I would know whether or not this was a company I would want to grow with. My five months were up and I decided:

Niete.

Now, it wasn't the job I didn't like. In fact I love my job, what I don't love is the company itself. I approached this as I approach any new endeavor; with high hopes, excitement and high expectations. Therein lies the problem.

The excitement was there..after all, this was something completely new to me. The high hopes were there...I hoped it would be something I'd want to grow into in the long run but the expectations compelled me to step back and reassess. The company itself is the problem.

It is bad enough when you work with people who are mediocre and uncaring of what they are hired to do, but I constantly saw the people in the wrong jobs. When you give your all and you watch others skate by with minimal attention to what they do it gets increasingly frustrating. My mantra of 'what is my time worth' became a broken record in my own head. I decided my time was worth much more than anything this company could give me in return. So I did what I felt was necessary. I quit.

I come from a world where mediocrity does not pay off. You are rewarded for what you bring to the table. To find myself in a company where everyone gets treated exactly the same no matter how they function in their position made me aware that all the world does not function equally. So, instead of beating my head against the proverbial wall...I quit.

I'm not a quitter. Never have been but at this age you begin to realize that life is too short to be miserable. Let that be a lesson to younger readers. Nothing is worth you being miserable.

All is not lost though. This was a valuable lesson in what makes me tic as a productive individual. I love chaos. I love people, I love putting out 'fires'. I'm good at that. What I am not good at is waiting for my break, or waiting for my dinner hour or waiting to go home.

Working for this company is like working for the government. If you want a somewhat secure and steady paycheck with the promise of a possible 10c per hour increase 'next year' than this is the place for you. It is not the place for me. I'd rather fall on my sword and make mistakes than take the easy way out.

I've always felt that if I'm going to commit 1000% to anything I do, I'd rather do it for myself. So that is what I will do. The mind is once again swirling with my next step. I know now that is must be done and had I not worked for this company during its most hectic and chaotic time of the year, I would have never come to this conclusion. I would never have had the guts to take this next step.

So for that I am grateful. Everything is a learning experience whether you know it or not. Sometimes the lesson comes well after the event and only in retrospect can we see it. So, blinders are off, lesson is learned and thus begins act II.

Rehashing the Past

2009-02-08T22:22:00.005-05:00

Somehow I've lost sight of what I wanted to accomplish with this blog. I'm not sure I had anything in mind at the time I started it other than to hone up on my writing skills.

In the beginning I think I wrote more from the heart than what ultimately became writing about inconsequential nonsense. There were days that I wrote from an introspective view point which might have seemed a little too heavy for some so I began adding a little humor at the ridiculousness of the mundane.

When you write for a audience larger than yourself you begin to take writing in an entirely different direction and when that happens you lose part of yourself.

I lost it.

I lost my focus on what was important to me. If someone found value in anything I'd written I was pleased. Not whether they thought I could construct a piece from an errant thought but whether or not something I had to say hit a nerve.

Finding out what you are good at takes patience. I'm not a very patient person. Most of the time those things that are important to me made me wonder if they were important to anyone else. Changes in life, those I asked for brought about a perspective I wasn't aware I had nor a perspective I was ready for.

Last night a friend challenged me to write from the heart. Write about my true fears, my true expectations, my true challenges. Instead of reporting the news, write about living it.

"How does it feel to have lost your job?" he said. "How do you REALLY feel about it? Are you angry? Are you sad? How does it FEEL to lose your identity? How does it feel to earn about less than 1% of what you are used to?"

I never thought any of it had value and who the hell wants to hear me gripe about it anyway? But he made me realize that what I'd gone through last year has affected many people. Those that can relate to the turmoil life changes can bring into a pleasant existence would know that they are not alone in the struggle. And boy its been a struggle. Redefining who you are is never easy. If I were a different personality I'd be deep into anything that would make me forget.

How did I feel about losing my job?

Angry. Disgusted. Scared shitless.

Despite the fact that in my heart I was long ready to leave Wall Street, when the reality hit it overturned my world. That Friday night, after we found out the firm was history I was numb with my only intention of getting even more numb. My apartment was overrun by boxes because I was moving that next Monday so one of my co-workers and I decided to just get drunk. Who decides that? Drunk is what happens when you've had more than a couple but this was planned. Armed with 3 bottles of wine I went to her apartment. Armed with her own bottles we preceded to make sense of it all. It wasn't a huge surprise, we'd known for over a year that this outcome was a possibility.

Well into our 4th bottle nothing made sense anymore. It was confusing. The rug had been pulled and even though deep inside I knew it was for the better, I still wanted to scream. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready by a long shot. I remember the song "Run" playing and at that moment I completely lost all reserve I ever had. I broke down and I broke down hard. I sat on the floor feeling as though someone had ripped out my guts and was hanging them over my head saying "OK. Now you got want you wanted. How does THAT feel?"

It was crushing. It was excruciating. As I sat on the floor rocking, the dam that held back my fears broke. It didn't crack, it imploded. I cried so hard I couldn't even breathe and all that could come out of my mouth was "I'm Sorry!" I felt as though I was making a colossal fool of myself. All she could say was "Thank God you're crying. It shows you're human after all."

Yeah, I'm human I don't think I was ever more human than that night. I barely remember getting home. Walked out the door, got in a taxi and somehow found myself in my bed curled up like an infant desperately wanting someone to tell me it would be OK in the end.

The numbness stayed for a long time. I reconstructed the dam and even now as I try to figure out where this is all leading I can't help thinking that if I take my finger out of this fragile dam there really will be no turning back.

Stepping Out

2009-02-06T23:20:00.002-05:00

I believe in building your own future by believing in yourself.

It lies in your hands and in your hands only.

There are few who are happy with the status quo but there are many who believe their only value is the value others put on us. It take a true understanding of who we really are to buck that trend.

If you ever want to feel like just a cog in the wheel of life, then live your life according to the rules which make you part of the rank and file. Whether it be joining the armed forces or working for an enormous organization where you don't stand out or you can't express your individuality if that is what truly makes you get up in the morning then great. But, if you want to be true to yourself then you must step out of the tried and true and take risks.

Few are comfortable with risk. Fewer still take them.

For me, risk is what makes life worth living. Sure comforts can't be guaranteed, but if taken with heart and soul, there is truly no stopping us.

Take that risk. Reach beyond the comfort zone and let life lead to to places you can only dream about.

Dear Phil

2009-02-02T15:52:00.005-05:00

Ground hog day is upon us and low and behold we can look forward to six more weeks of winter.

Oh Joy.

Now when you live in northern New England there are two things that are a given.

1. It gets really cold

2. We get snow

I love it when I'm talking to someone wearing a T-shirt, light jacket in the middle of the winter and they say..."Oh my God, it is soooo cold out!!'

No. Really? I wonder why?

Lets have a looksy at the calendar shall we?

Yup...there it is. February. And oh yeah...we are in Vermont. Its cold? Really? What are the odds?

Sort of like being in the Keys during August and being surprised to find it is humid.

Do people forget WHERE they are living? Do they wake up one morning and discover that where they are is not where they thought they were? I'm in Vermont? No wonder its cold. I must have taken a wrong turn in Georgia.

So back to Phil, the groundhog and not the TV Psychologist.

Thank you Phil for giving me the heads up that I should not be looking forward to putting the fleece away anytime soon.

Snow Snow go Away

2009-01-28T19:59:00.004-05:00

Yep. Its a whopper. The storm I mean.

I got up this morning, took one look out the window and crawled back under the covers. I was going nowhere for a long time.

Then the earthquake woke me up. At least it sounded like one.

My roof is made of out this really cool material which is installed like slate tiles. The beauty of this is that the roof doesn't need to be shoveled because the material allows the snow to just....slide off.

Unfortunately, it doesn't slide off as its snowing. No. It will accumulate like a most roofs and when the weight increases OR, the temperature warms up a little....the snow will come crashing down and I mean CRASHING.

The first time it happened I thought the house was caving in. It was so loud that I could only imagine what an avalanche would sound like. My dog makes a beeline to hide under whatever.

Try having THAT wake you up out of a dead sleep.

It will snow for the better part of the evening and possibly into tomorrow. Joy.

It will take me 15 minutes to unearth my car. This time I will do it with gloves on. You'd think I'd have learned by now.

So. It is cold though not as cold as it was. Snow is beautiful but can be annoying to deal with.

I'm looking forward to the 2nd to see what the groundhog says. If is 6 weeks of winter...is that the good or the bad prediction?

Well, that is it for the weather report. And now back to you....

This and That

2009-01-27T18:18:00.005-05:00

So much for posting everyday.

I do write, but working on something else so sometimes this gets put aside.

We're about to get another whopper of a storm. Damn. Makes it impossible to do anything that requires driving.

I have a class tomorrow morning and besides fighting a cold, my guess is that I will not be attending. My lax-ness appalls me. The last time the roads were bad it took me 1:15 to get to school. A ride that typically takes 35 minutes.

As for work...that's 43 miles away. It'll take me 2 hours of hazardous travel time. Me thinks a call out is in order. The company has an incredibly detailed corp number to call for absences and 'tardies'. Now there is a word I bet you haven't seen in a LONG time.

Tardy.

Who says that anymore? Once you get through, you have to work your way through a complex menu of options requiring the pressing of 1 or 2 depending on your circumstances.(If anyone has ever wondered what became of the moviefone guy....I have my suspicions). By the time you've finished, you've forgotten why you called and are well on your way to being over whatever ailed you in the first place. I think its a ploy.

What happened to the days when you called in and talked to a human?

Technology is wonderful. I am addicted to my computer and my cell. I misplaced my cell for a couple of hours one day and had an anxiety attack.

I recently switched Internet services from DSL (HORRIBLE) to cable which I much prefer. When asked by the phone company why I was switching the words "because it sucks" were just about to be released into the atmosphere. As it were I merely said "because I am not happy with the service." After all, I am foremost a lady.

Them: "Is there anything we can do to make it better?"

Me: "Yes. Cancel my service so I can switch to cable."

I asked for it to be terminated at month end (giving me time to receive my cable modem and connect) and instead, unbeknownst to me, they terminated me that evening. The next day I had NO service. I didn't know when I was to receive my modem so I contemplated going to the local bookstore for wireless access. How could I keep up on the (g)ripping entertain news regarding the newest baby bump sightings? How could I find out how badly my investment account was doing? How could I Ipost my blog entry? And, most importantly, how could I read my EMAILS!!

As it turned out the modem arrived the next day (they knew) and I had it installed within the hour.

Whoa. That was close.

I recently found a journal I was keeping in 1998. There was an entry regarding my newly found email capabilities. The entry was about something that I had taken part in and was so psyched I was off to email the news to all my friends who had email at the time. And I did. I sent an email to all four of them.

Times have changed. I now have 12 friends on email. (kidding)

Cold Cold Go Away

2009-01-25T21:52:00.003-05:00

Don't you hate it when you know you're coming down with 'something'.

That elusive 'something' that when someone else has it you're thinking..."Thank goodness I don't have that."

Well, I think I'm about to have 'that'.

Everyone has the little tell tale sign that alerts them to the impending feeling of getting sick.

Mine is the way the roof of my mouth starts to feel. Ugh.

I hope I'm wrong.

Moons Phases and Retrograde Planets

2009-01-24T09:19:00.005-05:00

There are times when it feels as though I am beating my head against a wall. Nothing, and I mean nothing seems to go smoothly. No matter what I do, no matter what I need to do, it seems like it is a struggle full of petty annoyances.

I used to think that perhaps it was just a phase but now I know the truth. Apparently it is planetary action that wrecks havoc on my simple existence.

Being a Virgo I am classified as a perfectionist so when things don't go as planned I tend to get pretty peeved. I don't throw tantrums, certainly not my style, I'm too much of a lady. But lest you think I let things just roll off my back no one has ever accused me of not speaking my mind.

What seems to be the culprit in the short term is that Mercury (ruling planet of Virgos and Geminis) is in retrograde...simply meaning that it seems to be going backwards. That is what is going on, forward motion seems to have been reversed and it is like hiccuping your way through life. Luckily this charming phenomenon will only last another week but I can certainly look forward to it a few times a year.

Having something to blame for the inconsistencies that are occurring cuts me some slack. After all, its not really me, its my planet.

The other truly fun period is during a full moon. I wonder if I have werewolf in me somewhere. The next time people are acting this side of odd, pay attention to the moon cycle. For me, I tend to stay home and hibernate in order to avoid craziness. I for one noticed I get fairly moody and all those years I thought it was PMS it was actually the moon.

So I'm going with the flow knowing that in a few days things will go back to normal.

I hope

I Should be Doing......

2009-01-23T18:31:00.003-05:00

The decorating frenzy has hit me again.

Early last year, when I moved up here permanently, I put all my 'other' worldly belongings in my finished basement which up until today looked like the aftermath of a UPS truck explosion. Boxes and boxes of this and that strewn all over the place. It would give me a headache just passing the main room to do laundry.

The boxes didn't really have anything important in them, as I found out when I painstakingly went through each one. Mainly they were the catch all boxes. You know, the ones that you wind up tossing all the stuff you have no idea how to categorize, yet aren't quite willing to part with at the time of the move.

Amazing how that changes when you are forced to make a decision.

Oh looky, a cork from a wine bottle shared with that special guy. If I remembered who, I may have saved it. But, be that as it may, it is now in the trash where it probably should have gone the day after consumption.

So I've spent the better part of my day clearing the clutter and preparing a now empty room...for more 'stuff'. George Carlin would be proud.

All this, by the way, to avoid my homework which requires that I write two poems in different styles. Like any major procrastinator, I do my best work under pressure. Hopefully that will still be the case as I ponder the words which should follow:

There once was a man from Nantucket......

Tick Tick Tick

2009-01-20T22:08:00.002-05:00

What is one's time worth?

That is a question I've been asking myself for over a year. When doing something I truly love, it doesn't much matter.

But, when doing something that isn't at all fulfilling...well, that is when that annoying little question creeps in like an unwelcome water leak.

It drips into your soul until you can hear nothing but that.

So that question is finding its way back into the forefront of my intellect. Time is everyone's best friend and at some point we acknowledge that only time will allow us the chance to make the choices that best suit us in the long run.

Maybe then we determine what our time is truly worth.

In the Mundane

2009-01-19T23:26:00.003-05:00

I'm a little late in getting in my daily musings. I'm not even sure I have much to add today but the point is to just write something.

Some days things are as dull as dirt. Today was one of those days. There is pressure sometimes to scribble something of value, something life altering.

But not today.

We have been blessed with lots of snow. That white stuff that finds its way onto the ground and is beautiful to look at from behind the safety of a window or photo. Living in it is quite different. The illusion of snow is deceiving. Blanketing the horizon it transforms the landscape in natural beauty. Driving through it is an entirely different experience.

Everywhere you go takes that much longer. No matter how able your car, caution is the name of the game. You can't afford daydreaming even as you marvel at the intoxicating beauty around you. All it takes is a slight misjudgement and life can be upset in an instant.

As I spun into a slide on a back road, time seemed to slow down or even stop. The only thing I was aware of was the unrelenting pounding of my heart. Speed, or lack thereof meant nothing as the tires tried desperately to grip the ice. Skill alone is not enough.

It wasn't my time.

Those who take mother nature for granted soon learn that lesson the hard way. Within all beauty there is a danger. Sometimes imperceptible. Those are the moments that remind you that you can't just coast through life. To make it worth living, you have to be aware of the nuances, ignoring those can lead to damages that cannot be undone.

And This Little Piggie Went To....

2009-01-17T17:45:00.003-05:00

When I made the decision to leave the financial industry behind, (and the income that went along with it) many of my friends and former co-workers were extremely concerned.

"How would I survive in Vermont?" they asked. Its not like jobs at the higher end of the pay scale were growing on trees. After all, this was the world of hourly wages.

One very concerned friend wondered how on earth I would ever again afford a pair of Jimmy Choos.

For one thing I've never owned a pair. It wasn't because I couldn't afford them at the time, but rather because I had become particularly fond of my pinkie toes.

Like most women (and dare I say some men), I love high heels. This relationship has been the longest standing of my life and began when I was around 7 years old. Back then they sold plastic high heel sandals with a simple elastic strap made for little girls which could be counted on to crack in half around the second or third wearing.

As I grew older, the shoes I wore were no longer made of acrylic but of fine leather and of course the heels got higher. They gave me the extra 3 to 4 inches that my 5'2" frame desperately needed. Throughout my life my love affair with stilettos flourished but never did I buy Choos.

There is an ugly Urban legend that is probably based in some reality that women were so desperate to wear these unusually narrow shoes that they would part with their beloved pinkie toe in order to do so.

Not me. I'd become attached to my little piggies. As much as I would have loved to don a sexy pair of these shoes, somehow foot mutilation didn't sound appealing even if the shoes promised to give my legs the illusion of appearing longer.

My friend needn't have been concerned. Turns out I didn't miss out on much. There aren't a lot of reasons to be wearing 4" heels up here anyway and certainly not with over 4' of snow on the ground.

So the the next time I sit with my 4 year old niece and say that little nursery rhyme, I can rest assure that my little piggy won't be crying 'wee wee we...all the way home'.

Calling Rod Serling

2009-01-16T09:26:00.002-05:00

Its pretty annoying to get at phone call at 7:00 a.m. when you aren't expecting one. Thank God for caller ID.

It was a business I did not recognize and what business calls at that time anyway? Curiosity getting the better of me (and probably boredom) I looked the company up online and it turned out to be a construction company located in a town some 60 miles north of Ludlow.

A mistake for sure since I'm not building anything at the moment.

I find pop up ads incredibly annoying and Iusually ignore them but in the midst of looking up this company an ad did catch my eye. A search service that allows you to reverse search phone numbers. Who knew? (I'm sure you'll all be doing this now).

I would imagine that most people know that if you 'Google' a listed phone number, you will get information pertaining to that number. (I will stop for a moment while you Google your number and that of your friends). Since my phone number is unlisted I wondered if any of my information would appear. So I did a reverse search. (I told you I was bored).

A name did come up, as did an address but it wasn't mine. The best I could guess is that the information was that of the previous owner of said number.

So what?

The name meant nothing but the address caught my eye. Twilight Zone's theme music started playing in my head. My phone number belonged to the woman from whom one of my closest friends bought her house meaning that my number was previously connected to my friend's address.

Lest you say...well its a small town, yeah, but we do have more than 12 phone numbers to go around. Even though I worked with numbers over the past 30 years, I was never much of a mathematician yet even I know that statistically this is an outlier.

Really now.

Imagine what an episode that would have made.

Dance Along Your Path

2009-01-15T21:07:00.002-05:00

I am taking this opportunity to wish you all a Happy, Healthy & Prosperous New Year.

The past year has been a study in turmoil, transition and perseverance. I've made it. I'm still here and still kicking. As I continue on this journey called my life, I am slowly shedding the skin I lived in for the better part of the past many years. My old life is still a part of me, albeit getting smaller. I have learned it is impossible to completely toss aside what was and I'm not even sure that I'd want to. Do I miss the old? Sometimes. But I would never give up the experiences that have come to pass in the past 12 months.

I've come to the point where I do not question things much anymore. Answering the 'whys' no longer appeal to me. I'd rather spend my time appreciating each new experience and with that the new energies that flow because of them. Sure, I'm like everyone else in that I periodically get caught up in the mundane, but the strides away from that are getting wider.

The promise of a new year always brings with it a promise for change. We just have to remember that the journey never ends with an intended goal, rather with enjoying the steps along the way. Everyday strengthens my conviction that the signs that point us in the direction we are to follow are everywhere. Being aware is the first step to finding the pace that works and even that can only happen when we are ready.

It is like dancing. We get to choose whether we are tangoing or fox trotting our way along.

Back in the Saddle Again

2009-01-14T13:04:00.007-05:00

The decision has been made. But for completely different reasons.

Keeping my love of writing in mind, this week I went back to school...or at the very least I'm taking a class at St. Joseph's College in Rutland,VT. Funny thing about that is the very first college I attended in 1979 was St. Joseph's College in Brooklyn, NY. This, after having graduated from a high school run by the sisters of St. Joseph. What are the odds? I'll have to find out what St. Joseph is the patron saint of.

So I am back in the classroom setting some 25 years after my first experience (when I thought I already knew everything..HA). There is something about the smells in a school building and specifically a Catholic one. I closed my eyes that first day and the past rushed to become my present. It made me smile. I was such a geek. Anyone who has ever gone to a Catholic School can relate as I found out when I sent a text to a friend commenting on the 'smells'.

She replied with "OMG, I remember".

How I got here is in and of itself an interesting series of coincidences...and those you know me know I do not believe in coincidence. After a severe ice storm in December, I had to have my car unexpectedly serviced. CNBC talking heads were merrily droning on about this or that on the TV in the waiting room and instead of watching it like someone would the numbers ticking off the floors in an elevator, I wound up chatting with the only other person there. The conversation centered around business and the stock market. (I've been running from this for a year now). Turns out this person is a business professor at St. Joseph's. We talked about the school and its programs and he told me about the class I am now taking.

So, in keeping with the spirit of my blog, I'm letting life lead me to that next step. The class will give me a new way to approach writing and a much more structured format so that my brilliance can shine, or at the very least better work habits as I continue to work on my 'book'.

And who knows? Maybe there is a book signing in my future.

The experience will be terrific since now I'm in class because I want to be and not because I have to be but I don't expect it will be in any way, shape or form like Rodney Dangerfield's...after all...Kurt Vonnegut is dead.

To Begin Again?

2008-12-12T10:57:00.003-05:00

I have been asked by a number of people as to why I stopped writing this blog. I really had no answer other than I had a lot on my plate...but then I always have a lot on my plate.

So, I am considering starting again but only if there is value in it.

Comments?

Questions?

Feedback?

All welcome.

Its Time

2008-09-30T15:28:00.006-04:00

Here it is, the end of September and we are in the midst of foliage. With colors exploding everywhere the landscape looks almost magical.

I am lucky that the route I drive to work is along one of the most scenic in the area. Along with the colorful terrain, there are many more leaves on my patio than were there last week. And so the beginning of the dormant season has begun. Winter will be early.

Like in nature, in order to flourish and grow going forward, there are things that must die or be left behind. I think human nature is that we hold on to things at all costs and sometimes to our detriment. Maturity is understanding and distinguishing what is worth holding onto and what needs to be let go of. Things that aren't meant to be held onto find their way out of our lives when the time is right.

I have enjoyed writing this blog for many months now. It has taken me places I never thought I'd go. Exposing your soul for the world to see is an odd exercise but quite valuable. I have enjoyed the emails and responses that I've received. When people have told me that what I've written about affected them in some way then I feel as though my mission with this was accomplished. I also hope there were plenty of giggles at the silliness of some of the writing.

If you are in tuned with who you are, you will find that you as well are on a journey and sometimes where it leads you is nowhere you'd thought you'd end up when you began.

When I started this, I had no expectations of what the outcome would be only that I wrote from somewhere deep inside and hoped to express my own view of life. Our greatest teacher is life itself and all it has to offer. That education never ends. As far as my own life education, I have learned a few things this year.

- We are capable of anything.
- We can be our own worst enemy
- When we take ego out of an equation, we see the situation for what it is.
- We truly tend to hurt the ones we love the most.
- Perception is reality.
- The people in our lives are our greatest gifts.
- We can live comfortably and happily with far less than we think we need.
- Hope is the driving force within anyone.
- Our value is self imposed.

There is far more but you get the idea.

And so I've decided that today, September 30th will be my last post. I thank everyone who has read this and I am humbled by the responses.

Life continues to surprise me and my attention now has to be on other things that at the moment need my total focus. I am in the process of creating a website with similiar concepts and hope to launch that within the next 2 months. I welcome anyone to email me at Rcipr@aol.com for more information.

God bless and may we all find that amazing sense of peace and clarity that deep down we are striving for.

Another Year Older...

2008-09-20T17:11:00.005-04:00

Here it is. My birthday. Having completed my 48 year and standing at the entrance way my 49th.

I'm one of those annoying people who really loves to celebrate birthdays, always have and God willing....always will can't wait for the BIG 50.

As I look back to how I spent my past birthday it was vastly different from how I will spend today. But then, my entire life is vastly different from last year...and the important thing is...I wouldn't change one thing.

Last year's festivities were held in my apartment on the 30th floor of a high rise with killer views. We enjoyed catered food (OK, my brother is a chef so I cheat on that), champagne, wines and a tremendous amount of laughter.

This year a good friend is taking me to dinner and then we are heading for our favorite watering hole to just have a great time with a bunch of friends. I'm sure there will be laughter to rival that of the past.

My current life resembles nothing of my past life. Its almost as if I'm two different people...somehow I am. Before you call the men in the white coats to take me away for being this side of psychotic you would have to appreciate that I miss none of what I was. I do miss being around my family and some of my friends back in NY. I miss them terribly. But, I've been lucky in that I have a circle of friends here that have become very special to me. No matter what life brings you its ultimately the people in your life that help you get through it all.

Having gone though a year of painful transitions, its almost as though God took pity and said, "Here, here are some people that will help you get through the troughs and be there to celebrate the peaks." Tonight, we are celebrating peaks.

I look forward to this year, after all, our year begins on our birthdays and not on January 1st, I know that everything that has changed has changed because it needed to make room for the new. The circumstances that allowed me to be here allowed me to bring new people into my life, some of which I would probably not have met if my life in NY was still intact. For that I am grateful.

I don't know how long I will be here. Maybe another year, maybe more, maybe less. I will be open to where life is leading me and instead of worrying about it I'm going to just take every day for the adventure it promises to be.

I openly say thank you to my old friends in NY and my new friends here who have been supportive through my ordeal(s) and look forward to many many more years of laughter and fun.

The Job

2008-09-15T14:19:00.003-04:00

Until I have a set schedule, my hours and shifts will change. So far I've put in 4 full days and have had Saturday, Sunday & today off. Starting tomorrow I will have 6 straight days of relentless annoyances.

Along with the word 'shift' creeping into my vernacular...I now MUST take lunch within the required time frame. Apparently labor laws are very very strict and the powers that be will fire your ass if you do not take it seriously. They do not want infractions because they are quite costly. The entire half hour before actually taking your lunch break, is fraught with anxiousness about getting out on time lest there be a scolding if you are late to leave.

Training for any new job is a colossal P.I.T.A. I hate getting up to speed but unfortunately a necessary evil. Can't fix problems until you know how the problems got to be problems in the first place. Its the old "you can only learn by making mistakes." But in this case, its hopefully other people's mistakes you're fixing.

The first couple of days were pure hell. If I looked like a deer caught in the headlights it was because it was like standing in the middle of the wrong side of a 6 lane highway without a car. Many a time during those first few days the question "What the hell am I doing here?" repeatedly danced through my head. There was also the tad bit of resentment among the rank and file because I did not come up through the normal channels of promotion for a job well done. To make matters worse, those who report to me expect me to 'know it all.' This is impossible since at the moment, I don't even know any of some.

It is fascinating the level of commitment people have to their hourly jobs. They will ONLY do what they are paid to do and NOT a fraction more. These are the same people who complain about the unfairness of management.

On my second day I thought it best to familiarize myself with the function of 'cashiering' so that I could actually be of help instead of frantically pinging my palm pilot looking for assistance if something went wrong with the system.

As this lovely lady took the time to 'show me the ropes' ...I noticed that the credit card swipe machine had a piece of register tape with the words "DOES NOT WORK" scribbled on it and stuck to the machine itself. To give you an idea of what frustrations lie ahead the following conversation ensued:

ME: 'What's wrong with the swipe machine?"

HER: 'I don't know, I found it this way when I came on shift." (shift was 3 hours earlier)

ME: 'Have you told anyone it doesn't work?'

HER: 'No.'

ME: 'Well, if no one knows it doesn't work then it won't be fixed."

HER: 'Oh, I guess.'

As it happened one of the other managers walked by and I asked her if she was aware that there was a problem with the machine. The answer was 'No, no one told me." Rebooting took all of 30 seconds.

I guess the thought process was that magic elves would miraculously adjust system problems without actual human intervention because after all how DO the shelves get stocked for the morning rush?

The people though are truly nice and it will be great fun going forward and I am one of those who believe that you don't ever expect people to do what you are not willing to do yourself.

On This Day

2008-09-11T08:47:00.005-04:00

There are few of us who do not remember where we were and exactly what we were doing the very moment we became aware of the catastrophe in our beloved NYC in 2001.

No humanly words can ever express what each and every individual experienced. The media played the horrific scenes repeatedly as if any one of us could ever forget.

For those of us who were in the 'Wall Street' financial community at the time, we know that it is a large industry. Yet within the trading world it has always seemed like a small village. You either knew someone or knew of someone.

I still remember the very last conversation I had with a young man at Cantor Fitzgerald not 15 minutes earlier. He was asking me about Vermont because he wanted to take his Mom there on a mini vacation to see the foliage.

My own sister worked at the NYSE. As I fielded panicked phone calls between Mom and my brother in law, I was telling my sister that she needed to leave and make her way to my apartment ASAP. I tried to keep my own fear from exploding so as to stay calm on the phone for my Mom's benefit. I found myself outright lying and assuring her that my sister was not in any danger when I knew nothing of the sort. My sister eventually walked to my home many hours later, but not before she was witness to chaos.

If there is a hell, that day may have been a glimpse of what it is like.

I remember those who were a necessary part of my daily business life, but more so the laughter they evoked almost continuously. No one can joke like a trader. I choose to remember them in this way. Their very existence, made a hectic and stressful industry fun. They were part of a network of individuals who recognized that along side the seriousness of what we did for a living, there needed to be balance in the way of downright silliness and sarcasm; two things traders do well. I miss the human spirit that allowed that to be.

My prayers go out to family and friends of all who lost someone who made their world a better place.

Spill in Auto Parts

2008-09-10T08:01:00.005-04:00

How do you get out of a RUT? Find something NEW to do.

The past couple of months of a non-productive life style has left me chasing my tail doing a lot of absolutely nothing of value. I hate down time. As much as I try to like and enjoy it, I truly hate it. Idle minds and such. When boredom hits its astounding the things I'm likely to do to keep my mind occupied.

Makes me wonder how some people are able to enjoy it. I'm not talking about weekends and vacations days. Those are usually filled with to-do lists and fun. But when you have endless days of sameness it gets incredibly irritating.

A few weeks ago, I jokingly said to a friend, "I should get a job at (insert Fortune 500 company.) so I can write a book called "From Wall Street to..." (you can probably fill in the blank with little help). It'll keep me off the streets and allow me to do what I enjoy which is interacting with people. If there is something owning my own business taught me is that I love dealing with the public. I've got the right temperament for it. Very little rattles me and I'm less likely to punch someone in the face even if they deserve it.

Be careful what you put out to the Universe. I have said this before, I will say it again. What you put out there, COMES back even if you don't really want it.

Two days later I get an automatic email from http://www.monster.com/ that the company I was joking about had openings that fit what I was looking for. Now, my resume has been on there for months and since I never really paid attention, half the stuff that came through was of little interest and I was too lazy to change my search criteria. Given that what I would have hoped to find had zero to do with my background it was pretty much a lost cause in my opinion.

But there is was. I think I laughed and for fits and giggles (and a possible book deal in the future) went ahead and filled out the online application and took an 'assessment' test which lasted about an hour. (to make sure I'm not insane and wouldn't actually bring physical harm to a customer). The entire process was absolutely tedious but, what the heck?

To make a long and boring story short, yesterday I joined the ranks of productive and tax paying citizens as a manager in this retail giant. The organization itself is a machine and the learning curve will be fascinating. I'll know within 5 months whether this is a company I will want to grow with. If it is, then the career path for the next 15 years will be a blast and I have no doubt in my mind that I will take it as far as I choose to. Those who really know me, know that I am a dead serious about that last statement.

This has less to do with my getting a job (yes, OK...finally...are you happy now?) than realizing that when you're ready for the next step, it presents itself and all you really need to do is be aware of it. When it happens this easily, then it is the right thing for the present.

The best way to know that you're following what you are meant to for that time frame is that the pieces seem to fall into place effortlessly. By changing this one thing it will bring about different experiences and people into my life. The RUT has been broken and time will tell what the horizon looks like.

And who knows? Maybe I'll meet my soulmate as we both reach for the last bottle of wiper fluid.

Corn Dogs & Fake Tats

2008-09-01T08:42:00.003-04:00

The past few days have been a blur. One of my dearest and closest friends drove up from NYC to spend the long weekend.

The main highlight on the agenda was a trip into Rutland to go to the annual Vermont State Fair. You haven't lived until you've seen a dairy cow judging contest. Actually we were witness to that last year and this year decided that we'd seen enough swollen udders the previous summer to last a life time. Last year we were giggling so loud that people were shooting us really terse looks because apparently we were not taking it seriously.

What do city girls know about cow judging anyway? As we questioned in stage whispers, wondering what it was exactly they were judged on, one gracious farmer laughing at our silliness volunteered the information. Udder size. All I could think was, oh my God, but PMS must be a walk in the park compared to what these poor animals go through for a ribbon.

Now THERE is a thought for a contest. Monthly PMS ribbons. Couple that with menopausal tendencies and you've got your game on. The categories would be endless. But I digress.

I've never been to any other State fair, but as far as I could see this one was the same as most fairs I have been to only on a larger scale. Fried foods from one end of the grounds to another. A clump of fried dough anyone? Sounds vile until you look at it and it looks like a giant zeppole with powdered sugar. Just the thought of eating one was enough to make me ill. It would have been my constant companion for a number of days and I would have spent the subsequent weeks vowing I would NEVER eat something like that again. I'm sure my Pavlovian response stemmed from some past fair that I have conveniently forgotten about where I actually ingested one. So be that as it may, I look at it as missing out on about 900+ calories that would have immediately found its way between me and my Levis.

Along side the various fried food and cotton candy vendors, are the typical 'games' which are designed to attract your many dollars and have you leaving with a consolation prize worth about 20c. Except perhaps the Duck Plucking which promised a "WINNER EVERY TIME". In a small pool the likes of which you might fill for a young child or your feet in the blistering heat of a summer afternoon, there were possibly 200 tiny plastic ducks. As we strolled by, the man in the orange apron yelled out "LADIES!!!! Pluck a duck? Pluck a duck?" We looked at the pool and its many multi colored inhabitants, looked at each other and considered the odds of coming home with a blow up hammer. In the end we politely said 'no thank you' and kept walking.

We walked past the many rides which would ultimately spin you senseless resulting in possibly parting with the fried dough which had been eaten in the preceding half hour. But it wasn't all games and fried foods.

There were agricultural exhibits and contests for the best in show for everything from rabbits to vegetables. We wondered exactly how an onion or a string bean is judged but couldn't find anyone to ask. Though, we did see a pumpkin which weight in at 310lbs so that one was a given.

All in all it was a nice afternoon spent with a true friend. Once we had our fill of livestock, produce and Maple everything, we did come home with our own ideas of souvenirs. Temporary tattoos, T-shirts for friends and our palms read.

I've decided to post only on Mondays from now with the occasional exception for important days.

Here's Your Pill

2008-08-28T08:18:00.003-04:00

I don't watch much TV. I have nothing against TV, but if given the choice of doing anything else (which I can normally find to do) or watching a program, I would rather do anything else. There are times though when that is not possible as was the case at 3:00am this morning.

I'm a pretty solid sleeper. The one thing I am really grateful for is my ability to hit the pillow and totally pass out even when there is no alcohol involved. It is very rare for me to wake up in the middle of the night but last night, for whatever reason, I did. Maybe my sleep was disturbed by the one too many drinks I had (which in this case were only two) but I woke with a raging headache. Who the hell drinks Drambuie anyway?

After tossing and turning for about 15 minutes I knew that falling right out again was not happening. So I did what I have done maybe a total of 6 times in my entire life. I got out of bed and went to the living room to watch....TV. In answer to the question being asked...No, I do not have a TV in my bedroom. Never have. According to Feng Shui principles, it is very bad so as a habit I picked up when I first started understanding these principles (during my brief marriage) I nixed the TV in the bedroom and have never missed it. I think that is the main reason I can sleep so easily.

But last night I found myself curled up on my sofa, with remote in hand. I have no idea what is on TV at this time of night but I had heard stories. TV is sometimes lovingly referred to as the idiot box. I wonder if the person that coined that term came up with it after a night like mine. If I hate the programming that is on during the day then I was in for a real treat at 3:00am.

There is a reason some shows are relegated to the pre dawn airwaves. I imagine that scheduling programming at those hours attract less advertising dollars (not sure) so in effect, stations will not promote premium shows. Except for for repeats of popular sitcoms which a great deal of the population cannot watch in primetime because of work schedules, the rest of the airwaves are filled with minus B movies, various sport shows and what quickly became my favorite...Paid Programming.

Wow. A plethora of things I could buy to make my live worth living. Who knew?

There were so many I found if difficult to watch just one so I flipped back and forth between three. One was a Colon Cleanse product. I was far more interested in the two men talking than I was with the benefits of the product itself. As I watched the two interact. The smiles were great. They were animated and talking about regular bowel movements with about the same forced excitement as a sports commentator at a bowling tournament. The energy was so intense I imagine the product was practically selling itself. The one thing I did note was that one of them...presumably the 'inventor or developer' of the product looked like he needed a pill himself. With a jaw set real tight and sitting as straight as inhumanly possible, this guy should be the poster child for practice what you preach. He looked in great need of some relief.

This made me think of the comedian Bill Engvall's famous line "Here's Your Sign". I thought how great would it be to walk around with a bottle of these tablets and when coming across some surly person, just walk up, and while giving them one, saying "Here's your pill, have a nice day." And move on. I wish I had those 10 years ago. Man but the amount of relief I could have provided for a great many people.

The second was a CD which promised to hypnotize you so that you could "Think Your Way Thin." You mean, all I have to do to lose the 20lbs I've gained since last year is to just THINK about losing them? I mean...WOW why didn't THAT occur to me before? All this time on my bike has been wasted because, shoot, between thinking my way to faster weight loss coupled with the possibility of cleansing my innards...I'm good to go...literally.

The third was promoting the book "Debt Cures" http://www.amazon.com/Debt-Cures-They-Dont-About/dp/0979825814/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219929883&sr=1-1 by Keven Trudeau who was surrounded by the late night panel of financial geniuses including a former playmate. Here were five beautiful women who acted more like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders than finance experts. This is not to say these women were not intelligent, I don't know them, but from the sound of the script they were obviously reading from I wondered just who his target audience really was. But then, maybe Jamie Dimon was not available.

After about 10 minutes of flippage, I gave up and settled on watching Alton Brown's show "Good Eats" and learned the proper way of making mussels. At least in this case, I have something to show for my sleepless night.

A Fading Light

2008-08-26T08:10:00.004-04:00

For the first time in many weeks I got out of bed in the middle of the night to close the windows in my room.

I love the idea that the temperature during the evening dips low enough that just opening windows and a ceiling fan humming above can provide all the sleeping comfort I could possibly want. Coming from NYC Summers where the humidity is typically so high that you feel like you're walking through thick soup, I am grateful that the weather here is what it is. If there is a place that physically suits me, it is this place. Even though it is still August and by the calendar there are approximately 3 weeks of Summer left, there is no doubt that Autumn is knocking on the door demanding to be let in.

As a child this time of year never bothered me. I mean, yeah, I hated to see the summer the end, but I anticipated the beginning of a new school year (I was a total geek), being with all my friends and most importantly knowing that my birthday was a mere few weeks away. Nothing compared to having a brand new 3 ring binder (some kind of blue fabric if I recall) and elastic strap untouched by a pen or pencil. The pristine appearance of either didn't make it 2 weeks. This was the 70s and backpacks for books were unheard of.

On mornings like this my mind wanders to those days and sometimes I wish I could feel the same anticipation I did back then. Today though there is a sense of melancholy. It isn't so much the coolness in the air that is creating the feeling but the stillness around me. There are certain sounds that are associated with the height of summer here. Today there are none. I don't hear a small motorized boat looking for a place to stop so its occupant can fish. The breeze doesn't carry the distant squeals and giggles of children jumping into a cool lake. Gone are the sounds of kayak paddles sweeping the water as they float by. Even the birds have retreated until later in the day.

The shorter days seem to welcome cooler temperatures which come early here and leave much later. There is a definite feel of something ending. Those things that made the summer exciting are finding a place to be saved and protected until next year.

But for now, with the changing of the seasonal guard, I will look for the grandness of Fall as it approaches, a time when the trees burst into an explosion of color just before they go dormant awaiting the symphony of whites that will blanket them until next Spring.

As I look for guidance from the changing seasons they remind me that endings and beginnings are absolutely necessary in order to make life stronger.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2008-08-25T10:00:00.006-04:00

This morning I received an email from an old friend. She had just returned from a distant State so that her young daughter could visit with her father (my friend’s ex-husband).

For some reason, relationships (the good, the bad and the ugly), seem to be the topic of conversation with everyone around me for the past few months. Am I qualified to talk about relationships? Do I have the magic answer to the perfect one? Not by a long shot. There is first the assumption that there is a perfect one. No. I don’t believe there is and only because I don’t believe there is such a thing as ‘perfect’ anything.

The other night a friend and I were talking about past relationships and she made a comment regarding the common thread that connected all of hers. She then made a statement which stuck with me. She said “I sometimes wonder, what the next important relationship in my life, will look like.”

Sometimes it looks nothing like what you think it will.

If you believe in the idea that you will receive what you ask for (which I do), then you’ll have to go on the assumption that you can in fact design what you want in anything. The thought that you can draw to you the perfect partner and have he or she delivered in a box the color of robin’s egg blue with a pretty little white bow is somehow intoxicating. What if that were possible? Would we do it? Hell yeah. I know because I have, sort of, except for the box.

A few days ago I was searching through my desktop files for a story I wanted to work on for a writing contest. I came across something that I had written on September 6, 2006. I write a lot and I don’t normally reread my work unless I am looking for something specific. In this case the title caught my eye “My Wish List for My Ideal Partner” and I thought “What the hell is THAT about?” When I opened it, it was a copy of my horoscope (it’s a vice) for that day and it had instructed Virgos to write down a wish list (in great detail) of what we would like to find in an ideal partner (something about the stars being in the perfect place and the universe would send it…blah blah blah). After the demise of another relationship the previous year the weight of feeling like a failure in that category was settling into that uncomfortable ‘whoa is me’ mindset. So there it was a long list of things that were and still are important to me.

What knocked me for a loop was the realization that a person I know embodies all the qualities on my list. And I thought “No! No way. That is impossible.” But it wasn't As I read through the list I’d made almost 2 years ago, I could not believe what I was reading. The interesting thing was that no one I had met between then and now had even come close to fulfilling my idea of what was important and here it was staring me in the face. I will be the first to admit, it scared the hell out of me and the reason was the fact that it’s all well and good to have those ideals met, but what about the things I need to do or be? How do I measure up in order to even warrant having them? If I can’t be the best person I can (and God knows the defense mechanisms kick in at high speed so I haven’t), then who am I to even be worthy of accepting what in fact I asked for?

The only course I can take is to have an open mind and open heart (that part is hard for me) and allow this person to teach me something about myself which until this point I haven’t wanted to learn.

After all, that is what any relationship is about.

The Baggage Handler

2008-08-24T09:18:00.009-04:00

First let me apologize for not posting. I can use the excuse that I haven't had the time, but that would be an excuse and since I do believe in owning "your shit", then I'll have to admit I've been lax.

Every time I sit at my computer, I wind up reading the papers, exchanging emails, talking to multiple friends on IM and catching up on the 'breaking' BS of what they call entertainment news.

1: I don't really care how much weight Brit has gained or lost
2: it is a way for me to avoid posting.

I have been working on another project so that has taken time away from this but I haven't written a word on that either. Its all hovering in my head. I have also found myself very deep in contemplating the next course of action. In that respect I've been mulling over an opportunity that makes no sense to anyone but me and barely that.

My friends here think I'm completely nuts and one even went as far as breaking down the economics of such a move. To his credit, he is absolutely correct and it doesn't make any sense, but having had very little to do in the past 6 weeks since I sold my store the reality of 'down time' is finally taken a toll on my mental stability. Its all well and good to contemplate your way through life but part of the balance is being productive.

I have been productive for over 30 years. I got my first job out of high school, worked my way through college and built a career in an industry I loved. I didn't stop working until July 3rd of this year which is the day I signed the contract to sell my business. So even though I dreamed for many years about "doing what I wanted" without the confines of a desk job, I realize that it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. It can get incredibly dull.

The one thing I know is that I don't want the life I had. That much I am certain of. But, how do you translate 27 years of Wall Street chaos into a normal life and is that even possible?

The other night I had a very odd dream that stayed with me for the better part of the day. Now, my dreams view more like mini epics (ask any of my friends who I relay my dreams to), but given scientific data, that is impossible.

In my dream I was going on a vacation and needed to pick up my luggage which was in a friend's basement. When I found both pieces (which I do actually own in 'real' life) I was annoyed to find that they were already heavy with clothes. I unzipped them and saw stacks of perfectly folded t-shirts. My annoyance turned in elation when I realized that they were clothes I loved and had completely forgotten about during my many moves. As I sorted through them I got excited that I recognized some of my favorites and immediately thought "Wow!! this is great! I didn't remember I had these." But, as I picked up each one, I noted that they were in fact old, some very worn and all were faded. Why I had saved them and hung on to them all these years was a question that in my dream state I asked myself.

OK. So the metaphor is a tad obvious? We talk about 'baggage' being apart of our lives and basically if you're over 7 years old...you have some.

The dream stayed with me all day but more so than what was actually happening in the dream, it was more a question of how I felt. The old stuff, the stuff that I loved, the stuff that held a special place in my life and heart no longer has any reason for being a part of my life now.

When discussing this job with my friend, he said (with what I interpreted to be hint of disgust in his voice) "Well, then maybe you should just cop out and go back to NY to the familiar and comfortable instead of breaking out, taking a risk and doing something new?" I never thought of it that way, but a part of me is very unsure of jumping into this void where the only net I'll have is the one I create. But if I trust that its time to 'throw away' the stuff that I can no longer use, then I'll have to trust that there is a reason they no longer have a place in this new life I'm building.

(Comments welcome and appreciated)

Things Aren't Always as They Seem

2008-08-16T19:12:00.008-04:00

There comes on time in every one's life when the decision to stop personalizing the actions of others declares them free to live a life on their own terms and not for anyone else's benefit.

Eleanore Roosevelt was quoted to have said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Anyone who is familiar with that statement will immediately nod and agree because those words hit upon the very core of our existence. But no matter how much impact they have, they are extremely difficult to live by. To be able to draw upon our own reserve of self confidence and self esteem especially when we are in the midst of navigating through a minefield of emotional quagmires, requires a conscious effort.

We show the world a fraction of who we are. We probably show ourselves even less. One of the most difficult things to accept are the flaws that make us unique. Sometimes they are manifested in a manner that is apparent to everyone even though we think we hide it well. We do this not to protect ourselves from others, but foremost to protect ourselves from ourselves.

We can only judge those around us by our own individual frame of reference which is in and of itself entirely selfish. Then we gravitate to people who think like we do thereby solidifying our position of 'rightness.' High school probably comes to mind but its been a normal occurrence from the moment we began socializing as young children. Not stepping outside of the people in our comfort zone, keeps us safe.

I'm the type of person who gravitates to people of very different personalities. I am always stepping outside of my comfort zone and thereby draw criticism. I admire strong men and women. I relate to them, because I am one of them but that does not mean I think like they do. But most importantly, I respect the personalities of all. They are who they are and they fit in my life for certain reasons. To reinforce my opinions is not one of them.

Most of the time those reasons won't be evident until much later. If I focus too long on trying to figure them out now, I will miss the beauty of letting them unfold to where they will naturally go and learning what I am supposed learn. If I fight it then I am not seeing the lesson because I'm too busy protecting me. In that respect I don't control situations around me, I observe them and only control how I react.

To the outside world my choice of friends might result in a little head scratching on the behalf of the observer. But if they were to see all my friends and I mean every one of them in one room, they would find the most eclectic group of people they would ever hope to meet. Most of them only know each other through me. All wonderfully real, all very different and all feed a unique part of who I am. Its almost like taking every course you've ever taken in school all at the same time.

When we are confronted with situations which rock our little stable worlds, our normal response is to react and react immediately. It is purely a defense mechanism going back to protect ourselves against anyone who draws out our base insecurities. We hate that. We feel we must take control now. But what happens if we don't? What happens if we are so secure in who we are that we just let things go? Amazing things actually. I might be questioned as to why I don't react to situations where most would. I say that there will always be a time to address such things and sometimes it best to let that time come to me rather than me forcing a resolution. I find it better to just watch things unfold and let annoyances die their own death because in the end they always do and usually far better than any outcome I could have orchestrated.

We can only do this if we truly believe in what Mrs. Roosevelt said. Most of the time, we let other's opinions of who we are and how we are supposed to act and react interfere with what we believe to be true about ourselves. I would rather watch from afar and marvel at the uniqueness of people and how they fill my world. As I walk my own path through life, I never forget for one moment that those around me are walking their own. They have their own ways of reacting to what they are confronted with on a daily basis and just because I may have an opinion....doesn't make me right.

For Whom the Cell Tolls

2008-08-15T09:43:00.002-04:00

On Monday I was fairly certain that my week would be uneventful and quiet especially since my three and a half year old niece was to go home the next day.

The extent of Auntie's 'maternal' instincts are confined to the well being of Zia. The care of a small human is entirely different than the care of a small dog . Society has an issue if you leave them unattended for more than thirty seconds. I'm still trying to catch up on my sleep. Its amazing how a child who is less than three feet tall and weighs about thirty five pounds soaking wet can commandeer a queen size bed leaving me to hover on a mere five inches on the edge, not to mention tiny foot prints which have been permanently imprinted in my lower back. I haven't had such dark circles in months.

Save for some last minute volunteer work I'm doing for my town's Annual Zucchini Festival http://www.yourplaceinvermont.com/ there should have been very little going on. Although, given a solar eclipse (I think) back in the early part of the month, I should have known better. Forewarned, the horoscope said, is better than forearmed. No matter. I approached each day basically holding my breath for that 'other' shoe to fall. And fall they have. In sizes 0 to 12.

Everything from little annoyances to major and serious issues. The minor stuff is stressful and just a pain in the ass. That is the stuff that make you want to stick your head in a bag and scream. But all of that goes away when you get news that someone your age, who you've known since you were five, died after been diagnosed with a serious illness just a couple of months ago.

That is the stuff that makes the nonsense you can control look like child's play. As I said to a friend yesterday, your health is the only thing that matters in the long run, everything else can be changed. Once your health is in question, all else takes a back seat to reality. It doesn't make the other stuff unimportant. After all one has responsibilities to address, but lose your health and everything else falls into its proper perspective.

So, as I was rehashing all the annoyances of this week with my dinner companion, I watched my cell phone slip out of my handbag, bounce onto the table and into the lake where we were sitting.

Adding that to the ever growing to-do list, I realized that even though I had to rearrange my entire schedule today to fit in the trip to Verizon, it was just a small inconvenience which will go away once I pick out my new phone.

Hopefully my biggest decision today with be the color. Maybe I'll get one in pink...given I'm such a pink kinda gal.

A Change in Vantage Point

2008-08-12T08:35:00.005-04:00

Where is it written that life is supposed to be perfect? Because if such a writing exists, I for one, would like to read it for myself and frame it so that I would be able to refer to it on a daily basis.

I gave up long ago wishing for perfection. As is the case, I live life day to day and deal with everything that comes my way...on its own merit. There really is no other way to do it. There are days that are truly terrific on every level. Almost as though the planets and stars align so that everything functions seamlessly. Then there are other days where no matter what I do, where I go or who I talk to, its an endless battle of futility. On those days I realize I should have checked my horoscope before I even got out of bed.

Everything we are bombarded with exploits the idea of the perfect life in such a way that if we aren't one of the seemingly lucky few who have plenty of money, the perfect career, the perfect mate, great health...etc, then there is something seriously wrong with us. If that is the case, then I am just this side of a lost cause.

Looking back on the past many years, from the outside it would seem like my life was perfect. It was far from it. My struggles and fears were (are) no different from anyone else's. As I watched my life as I knew it, unravel, it took a toll no matter what anyone thinks. The reality is we can't undo the past. Every choice we make brings us to where we are now so that we can only go forward from this point.

One of my favorite quotes is "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein.

Rehashing what doesn't work, doesn't provide an answer for what does. Accepting that everything that comes our way, is our own self prophecy, should make us take some responsibility for where we find ourselves. If we are constantly harping on the stuff that doesn't work, then we are stuck in that endless cycle. If something doesn't work, it most likely doesn't work for a valid reason. The key is to acknowledge the reason. Forcing it to try to make it work, no more makes that happen than slapping wings on a pig and expecting it to fly.

So instead of focusing on what is not as seamless as I'd like, I'd rather change how I approach it. Only then, can I be objective enough to make the adjustments that will in fact bring me closer to that media influenced life of pure bliss.

An Anniversary of Sorts

2008-08-11T06:24:00.003-04:00

Last August, I began an eight week sabbatical. I had booked a bike ride along the Oregon Coast's 350+ miles, with a company called Cycling Escapes http://cyclingescapes.com/ (little plug there). After 30 years of working non-stop, with 27 of them on Wall Street, to say I was burned out would have been an understatement of colossal proportions. I used this bike trip as the foundation for some much desired and needed time away from everything.

Little did I know that as a result of my hiatus, how I was about to react to one of the most cataclysmic course changes of my entire life would be surprising, even to me.

For the past several years I had been increasingly dissatisfied in my career, but like most people voluntary change is not appealing for a myriad of reasons. Responsibilities are endless. Financial, familial, social…etc. There is a theory that when you reach a higher level of awareness, all the things in your life that no longer suit you, spit you out.

On December 7th, the world as I had built it for myself came to an abrupt end. With the unexpected exodus of our firm’s single largest client, I finally got my wish. I was free. I think I had a mini breakdown that night when it all hit home. I cried for what seemed like hours (probably not more than 30 minutes) but whether that was induced by the second bottle of wine, feeling sorry for myself, or realizing that I was no longer going to be a part of an amazingly talented group of people, I’m not sure. Somewhere buried in there was the fact that I was relieved I did not have to make the choice to leave and that circumstances beyond my control were making that decision for me. It was scary as hell.

I’d wanted to walk away from the business for many years prior and the perfect opportunity had now presented itself. My friends thought I was crazy. I was ill prepared for this type of change. I’m nowhere near retirement age but then it dawned on me, if I want to do what I really love, then I couldn’t be stuck in an industry I’d come to detest.

It has not been easy. The adjustments have been huge on many levels. As much as I miss the people I love, my family, my unbelievable friends, my cerebral soulmate (who continues to inspire me), I know they are but a phone call, IM or text message away.

I am extremely fortunate to have met and become acquainted with some extraordinary people here as well. Everyone, from this saint of a man, who humors me when I want to play pool, (he has endless patience because I so totally suck. The idea of physics is lost on me) to anyone else I see on a continuous basis, make this town a truly wonderful place to be. Sure there are ups and downs. I don’t let people into my life easily and get ridiculously defensive when I feel my personal space is being violated, but that’s just me. It is hard to undo 47 years behavior. But I’m trying.

So as I become more immersed in this new life, I know the time is approaching to take that next step. I always felt I would know what it would be when the time was right, I just had to be patient

The patience is paying off.

PS: I’ve been up since 1:30am so if this post is a tad more introspective than most…well then…that’s what happens when you are wide awake in the middle of the night.

Old Dogs

2008-08-09T08:20:00.004-04:00

Hey!! The sun is shining this morning. A friend told me it has rained every day since July 18th. I haven't checked to see if that is accurate, but if it isn't, its close enough. It has rained a portion of every day for quite a while now and makes it hard to plan an outdoor day.

Most of the time that doesn't much faze me as I can change my schedule on a whim, but this week I have my 3 1/2 year old niece with me for what we call a 'girl's weekend'. She is as well behaved as a curious small child can be. She's articulate and pretty funny. (signs of Auntie abound).

Having a child underfoot (literally as she is currently under my desk trying to catch my dog, who does NOT want to be caught) is a interesting experience. She informs me on an hourly basis of how she is planning on playing (read torturing) Zia.

"Zia and I are playing tag." (Zia hasn't master the 'you're it' part).

"Zia and I are playing catch." (wherein she will throw a ball which will either hit me, the ceiling or the TV and thankfully miss the dog)

"I'm feeding Zia."... at which point I had to explain that dogs do not eat with spoons.

I've had to tell her a number of times that even though Zia is tiny, she is an older dog. (One who isn't used to children tormenting her).

Zia has taken to hiding in my bedroom on her own bed. When she hears footsteps she runs under my bed. She is so small she has several inches of clearance and is impossible to fish out though my niece will try. Yesterday, my niece was determined to get the dog and she went upstairs to 'see' what the dog was doing. I waited by the steps and watched as she attempted to carry the dog down the stairs. I had to save them both. My niece from possibly losing her balance, and my dog from being road kill in my house. I've checked her ribs for possible fractures and so far we are good. No unnecessary trips to the vet in my future.

My niece can't quite figure out why the dog will not come to her willingly. I've had to sit with her and explain that the dog does not trust that she won't be hurt. She is now trying to attract the dog with gentle petting. It seems to be working.

Maybe I have something to learn from this.

My Yin & Yang Ratio is Off

2008-08-07T08:54:00.003-04:00

Like the equivalent of an emotional mullet, it has become increasing apparent to me that my Yin/Yang balance is...well...unbalanced.

I'm all business in the front (Yang) and very little party in the back (Yin). For those of you who are not familiar with the Chinese theory of opposing forces, in a nutshell it is what is considered the balance of feminine (Yin)/masculine (Yang) energies...which by the way...has NOTHING to do with the male or female gender. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang

A few years ago, while dining with a relatively new friend (at the time) we were talking about life views and the like and he said to me "You are the strongest person I've ever met." Now, mind you, coming from a man who I thought was far stronger than I, I was not exactly thrilled by the comment. It hit me in a very negative way and I think I took offense though obviously he was not talking brute strength for I'm sure he could have pinned me in 3.2 seconds.

OK. I'm learning to accept the fact that I am a strong person and as I come to better know who I really am, I am FINALLY understanding why I attract a certain type of individual (male) into my life.

When a pattern gets repetitive, as in the dynamics of negative relationships, there are twos ways to think about it.

1- I'm just unlucky in that department
or
2-What is it that I am doing that creates an attraction to a tumultuous relationship?

After the demise of a particularly stressful one recently (totally unbalanced...as in WAY too much yang), I had to really stop and think about why this was happening yet again. The pattern (as pointed out by a friend) was the same.

As a strong female, I tend to attract incredibly strong male counterparts which I admire and respect. If that was all there was to it, then there would be no problem. But, that is not the case. The added issues are (and herein lies the pattern) that almost every relationship I've had the man has had some serious issues with some form of addiction and his Mother. It took this last go round to figure that out. Lets face it, in a romantic relationship that last thing I want to be viewed as is my lover's archetypal mother.

It is far easier to look at this stuff at face value when there is little emotional investment. When you leave the component of expectations out of it and accept people for who they are, the relationship will either survive or die on its own with little help. The only time an unhealthy relationship outlives its usefulness is when the parties involved refuse to accept that there is something they are doing that is creating the drama. Everything we do, everyone we interact with is a deliberate choice in how we want to live.

Instead of trying to 'fix' this situation, I just viewed it from the vantage point of an observer with no judgements. Just curiosity. I took my own ego and pride out of the equation. As a result, the destruction was immediate with no help from me. It was actually quite refreshing. The relationship spit itself out because it was not in the interest of my higher good..or his for that matter. Whatever it was he thought he needed was not coming from me. He will find his way when he is ready.

Now that I realize my Yin is way off I know what it will take to find the ideal balance and not waste time with those who throw me off kilter.

Back in the Saddle Again...

2008-08-04T08:11:00.003-04:00

I am driving to the City today to join some friends for dinner.

Hopefully an interesting post will come out of it.

Did Ya Hear.....???

2008-08-03T08:10:00.007-04:00

Personalities that exist in a large city, exist here as well.

The difference is that because of the smaller pool of individuals...the personalities seem more concentrated. I know the same types of people I knew back in NYC. The artistic type. The holistic type. The business type. The party type...I could go on forever but you get the idea. When you are like me and gravitate towards everyone of those personalities at any given time, you get a real feel for the makeup of a place and you find out that people are people no matter where you are. They have the same securities and insecurities here as well as there.

Living in a small town has some interesting conditions to navigate. For one thing people seem to know more about your life than you do and those assumptions are made mainly from hearsay. Its the one thing that stands uniform. The ability for people to talk and express opinions and judgements about what others are doing whether or not they are fact. Just because they don't actually see or hear something from me directly, doesn't mean in their eyes that the information is not true.

How is that possible? Well, I'm really not sure, but sometimes I will be asked a question about something I'm supposedly doing and am truly at a loss for an answer because I have no idea what they are talking about. That does not mean that there isn't an answer. It just means I don't have one but an answer will surely materialize whether or not the words are uttered directly from my vocal cords. So, I rest easy knowing that there is plenty of fodder to keep people (as well as me) informed.

As you are well aware by now, I hang out in one of the two local pubs in town. I'm not much of a drinker...most of you know that. But because it is such a small place, after many months I know almost everyone that hangs there too and its become a comfortable place to just be. Kind of like hanging out at a friend's house only with an endless supply of Miller Lite.

Early on I made it a point to not date anyone I met there. At the time my reasons were that it wouldn't be fair to get involved with someone if I knew I would be leaving Vermont in a few weeks. But now that its become apparent that I am not going anywhere for a while, I don't regret my decision because unlike the city...there is really nowhere to hide. (OK Mark...NOW do you get it?)

I'll walk into the pub on any given evening and come face to face with someone who I could have dated. Sometimes there are more than three of them present. Yeah, imagine that. What would they do? Compare notes? "What did she wear when she was with you?" "Did she wear that lace thingy?"

I mean really. Its bad enough that people talk about the life they think I lead, but do I want them talking about the life I do lead? Ah....no.

Because I tend not to be available. There have been a number of choice adjectives to describe me. Snob, overbearing (moi?), on my 'high horse', and best of all, a lesbian. Now, no offense to snobs, people who are overbearing, equestrians or lesbians. But one night, after I turned down an dinner invitation from a guy who I've come to know over the past few months, he actually said "No? what are you a lesbian or something?"

Yeah, I'm a something. A something that doesn't want to watch your face chew...anything.

So I've been given, titles, events, labels etc. It is quite comical really. Each person knows only a fraction of what I do so they tend to fill in the blanks.

Funny thing is I am entirely disinterested in what they do because I have my hands full keeping up with finding out what is going on in my own life.

PS: I've adjusted the comment field so that anyone should be able to comment without having to subscribe to Google.

Stop Me Before I Make Sauce

2008-07-30T09:51:00.003-04:00

I have reached a new level of procrastination. I know, I know, everyone thinks I just do everything I say at the time I say it. Well yes, I eventually do (eventually is my new favorite word and you'll be seeing a lot of it) what I say...but not necessarily when I say it.

"Do or Do Not, There is No Try" - Yoda, is the way I live and maybe that is why I don't exactly go full steam ahead when doing something. The word try gives you the 'out' to fail.

A lot of thought goes into what I do and though it may seem that I am impetuous, in fact I'm not. It takes a while for me to make the commitment, but when I do its like a blur of activity and perhaps that gives the impression of impulsiveness.

But I am off on a tangent, as so often the case.

The morning is spectacular. Probably low 60's. Sun is absolutely blinding. The lake is still and the daily cacophony bird calls is the only sound I am surrounded by. My first thought upon awakening at 6:45 was "I'm going for a ride". Perfect morning for it. After all, this is why I am here in the first place.

I made my way downstairs to prepare my daily jolt of caffeine and to take care of Zia (walking and feeding). As I take the half & half out of the frig, I noted the package of ground beef on the second shelf. I'll have to do something with it today.

"Why not now?" asked the voice in my head.

As all thoughts of riding were put aside, but not too far aside, I went through my cabinets and frig and assembled on the counter, all the necessary ingredients (including freshly picked parsley) to make...meatballs.

Now, lest you think I make meatballs weekly, as does my Mom, I haven't made meatballs in...let’s see... forever. In fact I don't remember the last time I even considered making them. Further more, I would venture to say that when I bought the ground beef, the last thought on my mind was meatballs. It was probably more along the lines of hamburgers to grill. Yet, there I was at 7:15 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, elbow deep in ground beef forming little balls of delicious. I am convinced my neighbors think I've achieved a new plane of insanity...I mean...its not even Sunday.

It amazes me that I will go to many lengths to avoid doing something. I am sure I am not alone in that. But most will putter, do this and that. The gnawing thing in the back of your mind (which you shoved there) is there like a gnat that won't go away.

What is the big deal about missing a ride? Nothing really. Except until yesterday, I hadn't been on my bike in over 3 weeks and yesterday's ride was far from fun. In fact, I rode half my normal mileage and hated almost every minute of it. So instead of doing what I usually love, I would rather clean my shed this morning.

But I will....as SOON as I finish this.

Peeling Back the Layers to my Heart

2008-07-28T16:54:00.008-04:00

There is no better way to truly get acquainted with yourself than purposely isolating from everything and everyone you hold dear. In the state of removing yourself from the familiar, you happen upon a place that is somewhere between excruciating hell and the heaven you ultimately hope to find.

Not many people do this intentionally but there are those of us who are insane enough to try. The problem with getting to know who you really are is that as you struggle through the ups and multiple downs, you aren't fully aware that what you are really doing is resetting pieces of your heart that somewhere along the line became confused by ideals which no longer serve you. For most, attempts are abandoned midway and distractions which appear behind a variety of masks are eagerly embraced.

Unlike the setting of a broken limb, setting a broken heart or spirit is undeniably complicated. For one thing there isn't anything which physically protects the injury in order to aid in the healing process. All you have is the hope and faith that you will somehow find a reservoir of internal strength you didn't even know existed.

My journey to the halfway mark has been marred by expectations I've had where I thought that once the temporary set of circumstances which kept me here changed, I would once again be free to rejoin my friends and family back home. I decided long ago that because this was temporary, there was no point in me establishing a life when I knew I would be leaving eventually. The problem with eventually is that it does not define a time table, so the end result is a life half lived because of commitments unwilling to be made with the excuse of not wanting to disappoint or hurt others. That thought, tucked in the recesses of my brain, has acted like an invisible yet solid barrier to all I could consider committing to here. Even though, on close inspection, the circumstances are completely self imposed.

Until last week, I had not returned to the City for any considerable length of time. I finally got 'outta dodge' and back to a world and energy that I so loved and desperately longed for. The City has always been a beacon for me and the distance and exile have made the yearning sweeter still. The holy grail of a life well lived.

It is amazing that you can communicate with people twenty four hours a day by any electronic method and still break out into the widest smile when you see them them enter a room. While sitting in a popular midtown restaurant with people I love and dearly miss, I was surprised by a certain feeling. As I looked at the smiling faces around me I realized what I truly desired was not found in that place. You can be surrounded by everything familiar and everyone you love and still have a sense of loneliness which can be crushing. I loved the idea of sharing meals, and wine and most importantly the endless laughter and face splitting smiles. But, at the end, there was one thing which didn't make sense to me. Here I was, back where I longed to be, and somehow I felt I was missing something vital. There was a lack of contentment just shy of being absurd. I realized then that almost everything I wanted was not found in that there.

For the first time in my life I really understood the phrase "Home is Where the Heart is."

I am back in Vermont now and the pressure is off as to whether or not I am here temporarily. It doesn't much matter. As long as I let go of the idea of protecting my heart from unseen hiccups in the the road, I will no longer view this as an unwelcome detour but as part of the journey which would lead me somewhere I've always wanted to be. And that somewhere is where I am now. At peace with myself.

I'll Take My Life with Pulp Please

2008-07-17T10:02:00.002-04:00

After the first full night's sleep in many days I awakened to a blinding sun and bird calls riding on a breeze. I no longer have the need to set an alarm and fully appreciate the luxury of waking up when my body is ready. Usually a very early riser, this morning my body was telling me to catch up on much needed sleep.

I went down and puttered around the kitchen preparing breakfast. With the ritual of coffee making behind me, my eyes caught sight of three oranges on the counter which I bought the other day in order to make a fennel and orange salad. The fennel is long gone and as I stared at these oranges I noted that if not consumed soon would certainly wind up in the trash.

Orange juice. Of course. Why not? I mean, how country can you get?

I went in search of a hand juicer I knew I had, you know, one like your grandmother probably used and found it in the far depths of my small appliance drawer. I thus proceeded to 'make' orange juice. 'Making' orange juice is a misnomer because what you really do is extract the liquid from the fruit. The one I have is set on a strainer in order to capture the pulp. As I twisted my way through two oranges the volume of pulp increased. There, I had juice. Really sweet juice, but I also had these little bits of orange that are usually discarded.

It took me a second, but I realized that 'hey, I like the pulp.' I wasn't going to toss it. So back in went into my glass joining the crushed ice and liquid.

As a woman, I've probably been conditioned (maybe by images in society) to want a perfectly clean life. Nice home, nice car. Perfect guy who brings home flowers and takes me dancing. The model of what we all deep down inside are supposed to expect. Guys on the other hand, are bombarded with photos and ads of wreck less abandon. They get to have the pulp. Its OK for them to experience the bits and pieces that don't make it perfect.

We are supposed to strain it.

But I like pulp. It makes the juice sweeter. I didn't like what the clear liquid in the glass was telling me. Have I always taken the best parts out in order to leave behind the flavor but not experience the substance? That must the case because in the past few weeks I've been experiencing a lot of pulp. The controlled of part of me wants to make this perfect for my comfort zone. But in this case, I can't and I know it. Yet I'm unwilling to discard the bits that don't fit in with my image of perfect.

I have no desire to extract the undesirable pieces out of my life. They are the things that make it rich. Otherwise there would be no depth to anything I do. I do not want to experience just the pretty and unblemished, there is no point in that. The pulp is what makes my life interesting to me. The more I don't discard it, the more I realize that my life is meant to be lived in the multi dimensional world I actually exist in, instead of some cleaned up version that can only be a facade to how I want to live.

More Focus Please

2008-07-12T08:31:00.003-04:00

Life has taken on an interesting dynamic of late. For many years I had an idea of my future simply from understanding where I was at any given moment. It would stand to reason that if a path was followed in a particular way, then the outcome would most likely be what I thought it would be.

But in the past six months, there has been no understanding of where I was at any given moment. Those who know me well can attest to the fact that my mind has changed with every passing day. The joke has been, 'Well, today is (insert day) we'll see where you are tomorrow". The implication was that I could not or would not focus on one thing.

For me, it wasn't the idea that I had no focus but more the idea that every choice led to a path I wanted desperately to walk and so I tried each one on for size. Its like being a kid in a candy store. So much. So much choice. How could I possibly choose just one? Its been fun. Its been exciting and its been very exhausting. I've had to let go of the person who held a rigid view of what must be done in favor of the person who allowed things to unfold in due time. It is far easier said than done, but so far an extremely rewarding experience.

I've been berating myself for having such a complete and total lack of commitment to anything. But I understand that it is a necessary approach. When I was younger, it was far easier to walk away from something that didn't speak to some higher part of myself (though I didn't know it at the time) and yet, I as grew older, that very same attribute became a cause for concern. Did I walk away because there was something better out there or, more importantly, because it did not speak to my core?

As I try new experiences to see how they fit, I am finding that there are elements of each that truly speak to who I am. I love discovering that about me. I've not walked away from much, mainly just in my head because I have an issue with people who fall through on their commitments. If I commit to something, I do it. If it doesn't work, for any number of reasons, then I find a way to extricate myself without it being a problem for another. This works pretty well, except of course in a relationship, that one is far more difficult, but not impossible.

There is so much more I want to do and experience but I am becoming aware that the reason for the lack of commitment to any one thing is because there is a lack of focus to any one thing. My biggest concern has been whether or not something or someone is right for me because I don’t want to make a mistake. But I am learning that there are no mistakes. There is no right or wrong therefore it doesn't really matter. There is only how I feel about something and that lets me know whether or not I want to focus on it.

The one constant in my life, regardless of the many things I've been involved with, is my writing. That has been my driver. That is where my heart is. Everything else I do, I do because I love the idea of meeting new people, having completely different and foreign experiences and knowing that each one of them is allowing me to have a better understanding of how I relate to my world. I’ve come away from these experiences knowing myself a little bit better. This allows me to be comfortable with who I am and will eventually lead to a more focused path where I can put most of my energy in continuing to create a life I am truly enjoying.

The Chipmucks Are Running Amuck

2008-07-07T08:41:00.005-04:00

My mornings here begin pretty much the same as most mornings will when you have a routine.

I walk my dog, a 4lb 13oz Yorkie named Zia, whom I love to pieces. Being a ratter by breed, Zia preference for the outdoors is less a call of nature than the possiblity of chasing chipmunks into New Hampshire. For a number of reasons, I don't let her out without being secured by a leash. Following her instincts she could disappear for hours on a quest for her holy grail.

Chipmunk stew.

Zia is 9 now, but as a pup, I learned very quickly that you do not leave a tiny dog unattended outside in Vermont. The summer she was 2, she vanished into the foliage for over 3 hours (undoubtedly to chase a chipmunk) just as I was about to head back home to NYC. Heart racing over the fact that I'd lost her, I choked back tears at the thought that I might have to abandon her to the woods, or worst yet, her fate on Rte 100.

Out of desperation I rattled a box of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish (her favorite treat at the time) up an down my road. That did the trick. It turned out she was just a few yards away but because of her coloring she blended with her surroundings. She was so engrossed in the smells found in the woods that I ceased to exist. (She now has a bell on her harness so that if I can't see her, at least I can hear where she is).

Chipmunks run around my property like tiny blurs streaking across the patio. They will come up to my sliding doors and stand on the top step and squeak. Zia goes berserk. She will stand there for hours and bark out of frustration that she cannot get at her prize on the other side of the screen door, a mere foot away.

This morning I wondered whether I was protecting the chipmunks or her. I don't relish seeing chipmunk guts on my pavers, and though it is her instinct to try, I don't believe for one minute she'd ever actually catch one. I am really protecting her and that can only be done if I take away her ability to do what she was born to do.

How many times do we not allow someone to follow their instinct in the name of protection? We do that with children so that they will learn enough to function without us. But what about as adults? How often do we ask, or demand that someone not be who they are? Are we protecting them or the relationship?

When we are involved with someone who is vastly different from who we are, we have a tendency to try to change them in order to have them fit with how we live thereby 'protecting' our existence. Most of the time it isn't even obvious, but since we think our way is better, it stands to reason that we will subtly and sometimes unknowingly try to influence the behavior of another. It is usually reinforced, not by what we 'allow' them to do (because we are so understanding), but what we suggest they 'don't'.

The true courage of love is our ability to allow a person to be who and what they are without judgement. Our need to protect ourselves cannot be a part of it. Only when we allow another their mistakes can we be free to make the decision as to whether or not a relationship can grow. Unlike a 4lb dog, emotionally or spiritually tethering someone for our own purposes will destroy their core.

The chipmunks in our lives appear continuously and in varied ways. Only the individual can determine whether they are worth chasing.

A Twist in the Road

2008-07-06T10:44:00.004-04:00

I never thought to use this blog to make announcements about what is really going on in my life. As I continue on my journey, both spiritual and otherwise, the decisions that are being required of me seem to have an outcome far different than that which I anticipated.

What got me here? Well, for starters the many decisions that I've made to this point. The most interesting thing I've found is that my choices to end or initiate events in my life, are taking on a life of their own.

The quickest way between 2 points is not necessarily a straight line. Sometime the detour takes you so far off course that you begin to believe you've lost your way. But here is the underlying truth. The adventure can only begin when you've veered off your course.

The past year has been a year of endings for me and with each one, there has been zero remorse. Some confusion...OK, a lot of confusion (left brain syndrome at work) but zero remorse.

One of those endings occurred on Thursday, July 3rd. I closed on the sale of my beloved bookstore. I thought I'd have mixed feelings about it given that I built it from my heart but the truth is...as with every relationship...if it cannot grow, it will die.

I chose to let it go because I knew that I could not take it to the next level in order for it to flourish to its full potential. It is now in the hands of a fabulous couple who will love it and nurture it as I have since inception. Again, because of who has chosen to committ themselves, I can, as any proud parent would, let it go because it was time.

Zero remorse.

This leads to the next chapter of my life which is still being written. A friend who owns the pub I frequent (not much else to do around here) was concerned that now I would have way too much time on my hands. She asked me if I would consider bartending one night a week. I know NOTHING about the bar biz except which stool to sit on when ordering my beer so the idea that I would be suited to do this was ridiculous. I was urged to give it a shot...I look at it as keeping me off the streets one night a week.

Since I am a very social person and love the idea of being around people and the party atmosphere I thought...Well, Why not? It might be fun.

So last night was training day one. I got the beer bottles opened pretty quickly. I still can't pour a draft beer without 4" of foam...but that is not bad given that it was 6" the first time. Maybe by the end of tonight I'll get it down the perferable 3/4". Time will tell.

It was a lot of fun. It was INSANELY hard work. Hey you guys...tip your barkeeps well, because you have NO idea what goes on behind the bar to make it function seamlessly. I was probably more in the way than helpful at the beginning of the evening..but that did change as the night progressed. To say I was overwhelmed would be the understatement of the year. This is trial by fire...there is no other way. As in my old career, you can only learn as you do and the mistakes are the most valuable lessons.

So here I find myself, with a completely unexpected turn in the road which I have taken just to see where it leads. Sometimes its best to leave the GPS at home.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

2008-06-30T23:18:00.007-04:00

There are times in our lives when we meet people who for whatever reason affect us in such a way that we almost don't recognize ourselves. For the first time we look, not at what we are, but at what we can be, and we want to be more. These people bring out something in us that not only make us want to reach for the stars, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can.

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend which I will admit began bordering on a disagreement regarding the perception of a comment I had made. While trying to make his point about the perceived inconsiderate behavior on my part, he said:

"Don't you get it? YOU inspire me and have for as long as I've known you. You make me want to be a better person."

Normally a comment like this would have humbled me in that someone felt this way about knowing me. It would have left me with a smile and warm glow. But in this particular case the comment stopped me cold. At that moment I felt cheated. It was all well and good that I inspired someone, but all the selfish part of me could think of was..."Well, what about me? WHO is supposed to be inspiring me?"

Since that night I'd been writing this post in my head tossing about the idea of what role inspiration plays in a relationship. Any relationship. In the hierarchy of important elements, where does it stack up? It is just below love? Above respect or security? The same level as commitment?

If I put a value on where inspiration falls on my list of 'must haves' for me it would most certainly be near the top if not number one. I think I would even sacrifice love to second or third place. It has become apparent to me that if I am not inspired by something or someone, I lose interest. Inspiration is the driving force behind everything I do and to what degree I put my heart and soul into it.

I look at inspiration as something crucial for the well being and longevity of any relationship. When people inspire one another the most amazing things happen. Though, it cannot be one sided. If it is, then the relationship will suffer. We all want to be around people that make us want to be the best we can. Not because we are trying to impress them, but because there is an energy that we draw from them that is empowering and gives us the feeling that we can achieve greatness.

We can be inspired by many things, but when we are inspired by another human being we can conquer the world. Some might mistake inspiration for love though it is very possible to have one without the other. It doesn't diminish either, for they can both stand on their own. Perhaps when dealing with life's frustrations we can look at who we are truly inspired by and in turn who we inspire. If we think about relationships which may be difficult perhaps that is the element which is lacking.

There have been a handful of people who have come into my world who changed the course of my life whether they knew it or not. Each person set me on a road which put me on a higher level. It was almost as though the first set the foundation for the second and so on.

I will not stress the conversation I had with my friend, because it made me realize something I had completely forgotten. Knowing that in the future, when I am ready, I will come across another who will inspire me to my next level is exciting because I can't wait to see which road I will take from there.

This post is dedicated to BC who will never know how profoundly he impacted the course of my life.

The Secret Life of Thoughts

2008-06-26T07:56:00.006-04:00

Recently, a friend posed a question that in its simplicity was actually quite difficult to answer.

"How do you change your thoughts so that they are always positive?"

God but I truly wish I had the answer to that one. If I could tell people how to do it without fail, then package and market it...well, the sky would be the limit.

Most of us have heard of "The Secret" by Rhonda Bryne. Many of us have read it. What is it about that little book that has become so powerful? There was nothing about its concepts that were new. Countless people and most philosophers have been talking about them for centuries. Yet for some reason, this book hit a chord with millions of people worldwide. The packaging and marketing was in my opinion brilliant. With pages which resembled old parchment and script that was made to look like a plume had been used, it took on the mystery of ancient manuscript. It gave one the sense that they had found a treasure.

Yet, what did the book actually promote? To me, the book promoted the idea that people can truly change their lives if they wanted to. It sold the masses a sense of hope.

While we address our normal everyday existence, where one hour bleeds into the next, it is very easy to lose sight of what makes us happy. Our world becomes focused on the external and the next thing we need to do or get. We are mired in the day to day challenges of career and family which take an enormous amount of energy just to make it through. Its no wonder we find that though the concepts are appealing, they can be difficult to put into practice.

Changing the pattern in which we think is not something that happens overnight. It can only begin by first being aware that thought process itself is negative. But what about the thought itself, is it that makes it negative? Well, for one thing, if a thought's residual affect is oppressive, then perhaps one needs to look at why? We have all been around people who are so negative that it is painful to have a conversation with them. Everything, from their posture to the manner in which they speak screams heaviness. But the truth is they themselves don't see it. They have become so accustomed to how they express themselves that they are comfortable within their own armour.

I am not suggesting that everyone can be positive all the time. After all, there are unexpected things that happen and daily frustrations in which we give ourselves permission to wallow in self pity. The difference is catching ourselves when it happens. The more we become aware of those moments and dismiss them, the quicker they disappear til at some point they cease to exist altogether, unless something that is truly wrong requires our attention.

But how does one stay positive while dealing with the stresses of daily life?

The fact that the question would even be asked, in my opinion tells me that they are finally aware that there is a change they would like to make in how they perceive their life. They have taken the first step. It is only a matter of time before they come to trust themselves and realize that only they have the power to understand how their thoughts create the life they live.

Life is Not a Sitcom

2008-06-24T07:34:00.004-04:00

I'm beginning to think that one of my greatest problems in life is that I do not watch much TV. If I did, I would watch circumstances unfold in the lives of the characters and know exactly how to handle them in my own life.

For many years, I did not even have a television in my lake house and that was an anathema to anyone who knew me. "WHAT? You don't HAVE a TV in Vermont? But, WHAT do you do when you're there? Don't you get bored???" I'm not certain what they envisioned when they thought of me here, but my guess is that the central theme consisted of me sitting in front of a blazing fire and staring...at nothing. The concept that I might actually be taking part in life was not something they were grounded in. The word bored is not found in my vocabulary.

Over the past few years TV shows have migrated to the concept of reality TV. What is that? Reality TV? Its almost an oxymoron. Is it real people doing things that we could do but don't so we'd rather watch them? The only thing I consider reality TV is the news and even that is tailored to appeal to the masses. Now I am not saying that I never watch TV. There are one or two shows I will watch if I stumble upon them, but that is akin to the stars aligning in the heavens. I have no idea when they are on, so its a matter of turning on the TV, on the right day, at the exact hour. See? The cosmos at work, but that is truly a rare occurrence.

My reality is that I am not a beneficiary of the simple solutions presented in a half hour program. I will therefore be destined to a life of making mistakes I would have avoided if I had watched episode 56 of the most popular show.

The only thing I can do is go along each day and have faith that the answers are there and I am only to be aware of them. Every set of circumstances that appear in my life create an opportunity to see what I'm made of. The jury is still out on that, but I do know that if I want to fixate on the fictional lives of people that don't exist, I'd rather read a book.

I view life as finite. If I do spend my time glued to a chair in my living room, what will I have to tell whomever is manning the Pearly Gates when I am asked... "What did you do with your life?" Well, I may not have changed the world to any significance, but I will report having seen the most amazing sunrise.

2008-06-19T07:18:00.008-04:00

They say the true key to happiness is not in having what you want, but rather in wanting what you have. The concept is true on almost every level, but I say almost because most of us want something other or perhaps more than what we already have but been trained to believe that its the result of a lack of maturity.

This is not about changing something in our lives that isn't working and by default not bringing out the best in us, this is about bringing in another layer to enhance where we are now.

If you are a Type A personality, which I have been accused of, (I know, I know you're shocked) the the issue isn't really wanting something else, its more like..."OK, been there, done that. What's next?" It is not necessarily a situation where there is a loss of interest in the current set of circumstances or feeling that there is lack of some sort. After all, there is a huge difference between wanting to experience something more and feeling like you are missing out. One gives you the incentive to try the unknown and the other depletes your energy. This is more like wanting the excitement you get when you are experiencing something new. The thrill of the hunt and the hunted, if you will.

What is wrong with that? Nothing.

Almost all of us have those moments where we are about to embark on something that gives us that little, almost undetectable boost in attitude. At least undetectable to us. Everyone else could feel it before we even enter a room. There is something in our energy level which changes and not only is it contagious, it is addictive. Who doesn't want to feel like that all the time?

There will be people who will scoff at the idea that it is OK to continuously want something more or different. They will accuse us of never being content. Those of us who spend time focusing on what else we want to have or do, can be made to feel guilty and really believe there might be something wrong because we are not conforming to the expectations of the majority because we are craving the next experience.

What if we come to accept that part of us which does want more? How liberating would it be to not deal with that underlying guilt? This is not about moral issues, we do have a responsibility to the people we care about, but we also have a responsibility not to be made to suffer because we are afraid to come face to face with what really drives us at our core.

Perhaps the true key to happiness is giving ourselves the permission to be accepting of the fact that we are not willing to be content with things as they are. It is perfectly OK to take steps to add another dimension into our lives. But in this regard, in order to fully experience the excitement of getting what we want , we must be content with what we already have.

Temporary Insanity

2008-06-17T09:39:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of enjoying a wonderful meal in an absolutely exquisite setting. I went to this place several weeks ago and looked forward to returning. Dining lake side and watching a beautiful sunset was nothing compared to the food which could rival some of the finest restaurants in any city.

During whatever the normal conversation is between people who have known each other for years, but not really know one another all that well, we started the game of "OK. we get to ask each other one question, whatever we want, and it has to be answered honestly."

Simple right? Maybe. I dreaded the moment I had to answer because I was certain it would have something to do with some old relationship, possible strange proclivity or some other equally disturbing bit of information that I might have to divulge. There truly needs to be some level of trust when you play a silly game like this.

And then it came. The worst question I could possibly have been asked.

"What do you want?"

It wasn't about the menu choices, or what I did or did not expect for the outcome of the evening. But the question was about my life and what I wanted out of that. Funny, I've been asking myself that question for years and here someone put a voice to it so instead of letting it scurry back into the recesses of my brain where I didn't really have to acknowledge it, I was being forced to drag the thoughts out and put words to them. After all I had given my word that I would answer any question honestly. Those who know me, know that when I give my word, it is golden. No exceptions.

My answer..."I don't know".

For many years I knew exactly what I wanted and got almost all of it including the blank canvas I have now. I get to fill it any which way I want. Maybe too many options are worse than not enough. But I do know that there seems to be two reoccurring thoughts which are gaining momentum and until that moment, I hadn't given them much notice.

It was far from the zen moment you would think it was. That moment of enlightenment when life is crystal clear. No, it was just the frightening concept that I was voicing something I was fearful of not achieving.

I've been viewing this experience as temporary as it has strayed so far from the life I lived and knew that at some point I'd be tired of this and would get back to my 'real' life. Then the thought hit me, this is my real life. If you step back and look at life from a far enough distance, it is apparent that anything we do is temporary and even the temporary is real. It doesn't get more real. The insanity is in thinking that it is not.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T08:34:00.005-04:00

In the year 2008, today is Father's Day.

I do not have children of my own, therefore, I cannot speak from the view point of a parent, but I can certainly speak from the view point of a daughter.

My own Dad and I have an odd relationship. It was built on the fact that I was the oldest child in an immigrant family and by default I had to be the ground breaker in a foreign society. Needless to say that what was not accepted of me through my formative years, became a ho hum moment by the time my youngest sibling came of age. I laid the groundwork. I broke the barriers. Lets not forget, I am a female.

I attribute a lot of who I've become to my Father. We are both incredibly headstrong so we tend to clash more so than most. Feeling like you are right and the other is wrong is stressful. When it is a parent, oh my but it is grueling.

As I have gotten older, I have come to try to understand my Dad from his point of view. Its not easy. He is not a sitcom dad with all the answers at the end of the half hour program. He is just a human being with all the issues most people have.

If he taught me anything, perhaps he taught me to really believe in myself in spite of our contentious relationship. In an odd and roundabout way he taught me to never fail my dreams. We never had conversations about it, but it was born of how we related to one another.

To a girl, the first real male relationship she has is with her Dad. A lot of that determines what type of woman that girl grows into. To the Dads out there who read this, the only thing I can say is that foremost allow your daughter(s) the ability to realize a self confidence and high self esteem. It is something that is nurtured along the way and will serve her better than anything else you can teach her.

Never forget that as your daughters (can't speak for sons), we are a product of what you help us create. We become who we are, by the foundation you help us build. If you help us build a solid one, we will become strong and remarkable women. If you help us create a weak one, then there will be struggle to build something that will withstand the test of time.

With that I wish you all a Happy Father's Day and this includes the Moms who are also Dads in the lives of their children.

God Bless.

The Gifts We Leave Behind

2008-06-14T22:25:00.004-04:00

Tim Russert died yesterday. He was 58. I won’t pretend to know much about him other than he was the host of Meet the Press, a show I don’t believe I have ever watched. But as is the case when someone of his celebrity passes on, the air waves are filled with thoughtful comments and choked back tears.

58 is young by any measure. I will venture a guess and say that he was going about his daily life, doing this and that, preparing for his next show when without any warning as to what the immediate future was about to bring, he drew his last breath leaving behind family, friends, co-workers and probably a mental ‘to do’ list which will never get done.

I don’t know when I will be living through my last day. I don’t normally worry or wonder about my own mortality. It is pointless. Life is lived by experiencing the moment to moment, not worrying about when the moments will come to the inevitable abrupt end. And abrupt it will be. There is a wonderful book by Mitch Albom called “The Five People You Meet in Heaven.” It begins with the last day in the life of the main character. Only the reader knows it’s his last day, obviously the character does not. He goes about his business and does what he has done for countless days leading up to ‘the moment’. It drives home the fact that none of us will ever know when it is our time.

In the coming days, there will be things said and repeated often about Mr. Russert. None of the comments will be about inconsequential nonsense. I’m sure his days were filled with as much annoying minutiae as ours are. The difference perhaps is in how he let it affect his life. Instead, what will be talked about is the person he was. The true legacy we leave behind is the difference if any, that we make in the lives of others. People will remember us, not necessarily by what we have achieved, rather by how we made them feel.

I wonder what legacy I will leave.

A friend recently told me that many years ago, I said something to her which was powerful and impacted her in such a way that she’s never forgotten it. When she told me what it was I could not recall any of it. It made me conscious of the fact that if I care and am passionate about what I believe in and find a way to express it to another, then perhaps the legacy I will leave behind is the gift of allowing someone to truly understand who they are.

When my time comes I will have no way to know how I affected the people in my life. The one thing I can hope for is that I leave behind fond memories which leave good feelings in their hearts and hopefully many, many smiles on their faces.

Speed is a Matter of Perception

2008-06-13T08:15:00.005-04:00

There are few things more exhilarating for me than riding down a hill going at what I think is breakneck speed.

After cresting a hill the one true payoff is letting go and enjoying the sense that you are moving along quite rapidly while not having to exert much effort. Breeze cooling you down and your heart finding a slower rhythm.

I try not to think about much while I'm on the road. Basically, my focus right now is not getting my tires caught in the remnants of frost heaves which have left the road I ride an utter mess. Yes they are in the process of repaving. My tax dollars hard at work.

When you ride the same road often, you become very comfortable with where you are. You know exactly when to shift gears so you can get up that really steep section which is only about 1/8 of a mile but leaves your heart pounding like it was 10. You know when you're going to hit a flat patch where you can find a fluid pace and if you time your music properly it feels as though the stars have truly aligned and you can literally ride for days.

The first 8 miles of my normal ride is mainly uphill. Not steep (except for that dreaded 1/8 mile) but consistent. It takes effort. On the return, obviously there is a huge difference because it is of course, downhill. You can pick up a great deal of speed which I find I do and push every chance I get. Yesterday I glanced at the speedometer and it read 31.9mph. Please understand that is not about to challenge anyone on the Tour de France, but for me it is fast.

We spend an enormous amount of our lives getting up somewhere. All the things that are worth doing take work. Up the corporate ladder. Higher Education. Successful relationships. On and on. Do we ever get a chance to coast? Sometimes and surely coasting is not a way of life yet something we might like to achieve permanently. How dull.

If you coast for too long and become complacent, you'll hit a downhill a little faster than you anticipated and if you're not able to readjust your gears, you'll find yourself in a pile somewhere off the road wondering 'what the hell just happened"?

Everyone's speed is different. Some people can handle the blur some can't. At times I can't. Its too confusing. Was I really going that fast? By some comparisons not by a long shot but it didn't matter because I was the one riding. It reminded me of when I first started skiing. Having the misfortune of discovering the sport in my early 30's my fear level was a little higher than that of a 5 yr old. I was careening down a hill (the term being debatable) and I panicked and stopped declaring to my boyfriend that I couldn't believe how fast I was going. He looked at me, shook his head and said "a 2 yr old can walk faster". I was crushed.

Picking up speed on a downhill is easy. Not staying focused when you least want to can result in costly rubble.

The speed doesn't matter. What matters is how you pace it.

This Too Shall Pass

2008-06-11T08:10:00.003-04:00

As we go about our daily business there will be times when less than favorable circumstances will find their way into our carefully structured lives and throw everything out of balance and into chaos. The very idea that our worlds can be upset and transformed at a moment's notice reinforces the fact that we do not and will not ever have control over every aspect of our existence.

We are foremost creatures of habit. If you take the time to look at how you spend your life on a daily basis you will find that not much changes day in and day out. This leads to not much changing in weeks and months and ultimately years. When something happens that causes us to redirect our lives we are thrown into panic. Because we spend so much time constructing a future which can never exist, when faced with the reality of our unintended circumstances, we have no idea how we will ever get through it.

But we do.

Perhaps if we were able to see the larger picture of our lives as a whole and not in the linear fashion we are accustomed to, we could possibly understand the purpose of why things happen as they do. When the view is myopic and we are only concerned with the very event so much so that it clouds our judgement, we will find it difficult to see the experience for what it is. The flip side to that is that until sufficient time passes it will not be apparent.

I can only imagine God (Creator, Universe...whatever your choice of title is) looking at us in panorama and saying "Tsk, tsk, tsk. If he or she only knew how important this event is for who they are to be..."

And we don't.

We have no idea what the larger picture is. There is absolutely no way to figure that out. The only thing we can do is to just let each experience speak for itself and create the person we are meant to be. That is not the person our parents, our spouses (significant others), our children, our friends, our co-workers...etc expect us to be, but to find it in ourselves the strength and the vulnerability to acknowledge that there are things that we just have to have the courage to see though in order for us to have the experiences that ultimately make our lives rich.

Nothing But Net

2008-06-10T14:26:00.005-04:00

One of the most basic concepts which many struggle with is the acceptance that as individuals our stories are very unique. Granted, we might share in similar circumstances and events but how we relate to each and everything that comes our way is vastly different from how anyone else relates. For that purpose alone there is a lesson for each of us that is meaningless to anyone else.

One thing that has become increasingly apparent to me over the years and more so in the last few, is the realization that the way our lives intertwine is truly remarkable. I imagine that if I take myself and any individual who has ever crossed my path and put them on something, it would look similar to a fishing net. I won't get into quantum physics here (mainly because I barely understand it) but I will do my best in trying to convey how I view this.

When you look at a net you might see the squares or you might see the strings that make up the pattern. Imagine if you will that one string is you and that every other string represents someone who has come into your life at any given time. Each person is free to travel that string in any way that works for them. They can go straight, make left or right turns, retreat etc. When you look at it this way you might come to see that people who enter our lives do so in a very specific way so that we can understand why they are there. Sometimes they travel parallel with us until they need to go in a different direction. Sometimes they are going where we just came from. Sometimes they turn with us and sometimes, they turn in the opposite direction. Which ever way they are traveling they are doing so on their own unique journey on their own net, it just happens to criscross ours when the time is right.

The mistake that people make is that they forget that each person has their own path to follow. Instead of looking at whatever gift that person is bringing to us in our own understanding of who we are, we might assume that the experience will last forever. It doesn't. Nothing lasts forever. Everything that happens, people who come in and out of our lives, are there for very specific reasons and many times we have no idea what those reasons are until much much later.

When we live our lives as if the only thing that really counts is what is happening now and appreciating what we are doing and who we are with, instead of trying to figure out what this means for some future point in time, then maybe it will allow us to be able to enjoy the experience. The future, which does not really exist (but that is a conversation about time which is too complicated to get into here and can most assuredly be found on some other site in great detail) will take care of itself.

If you think back to a past time frame, we'll say two years, how many of us now are living the lives we thought we'd be living two years ago? I, for one, am not. Not even remotely close to anything I thought I'd be doing. There in lies this thing called life.

As my mind imagines the matrix that makes up my journey, I see the many people who's paths have intersected with mine. Those who have walked with me for a distance and those I've yet to meet.

To truly appreciate the essence of another human being, is to understand that each person has a 'net' of their own in this wonderful complex system of human interaction.

Expectations

2008-06-07T07:36:00.013-04:00

I have always felt that you can only experience disappointment in another if you expect something of them they were never capable of giving in the first place. To make it simple, you do not go to the optometrist to fill a cavity.

Many personal relationships, whether they be familial, romantic or friendship are built on false expectations thereby creating an illusion of perfection that does not exists and lost is the reality of what the individuals themselves actually bring to the union. The idea that 'other' people should act the way we would like them to, results in much frustration. To accept someone for who they truly are is really a look at ourselves.

We use words like short comings to describe a lack of some sort in another. But truly, what is that? To acknowledge that in someone implies that they are not meeting our standards which are based on a biased personal judgement. Who can ever compete with that? Its no wonder that many relationships fail miserably.

The other day I asked a friend an opinion on an idea that I have. In the ensuing conversation he made a comment (surely in jest) to imply that if I was foolish enough to seek his help with bringing this idea to life, his behavior (and I'm assuming he meant, lack of commitment to the idea itself) would result in me being so grossly disappointed in him that I would want to see him come to bodily harm.

I would like to think of myself as being very astute when it comes to understanding people and human nature and know that I am extremely confident in that I recognized people's strength in a way that perhaps they do not. For me to have asked this person for his opinion on this particular matter, in my mind was a confirmation of something I am absolutely certain of and that is that he has the knowledge I need to structure this idea into something viable.

This is a person whom I respect immensely and admire profoundly. Knowing this individual has inspired me to want to be the best I can be so I was taken aback by his response thus causing me to ask myself some questions about my own behavior and attitude. Do I give off an air of such high expectations that I would possibly ask someone their opinion and assistance knowing full well they could never 'meet' my standards?

The short is answer is 'no'. I would not. If my question was of another nature, I would have asked someone else. To deliberately set someone up for failure is not something I can even comprehend. Yes, I do expect perfection, but I expect it of myself. Though, I am fully aware that it is impossible to achieve. When it comes to others, I only see who they are and not what I wish them to be. I have said in the past I am hard myself. It is true, but getting better. If I demanded that people live up to whatever their idea of my standards are, I would truly live a lonely and unhappy life. Who would put up with that? No one. I certainly wouldn't. It would be too hard.

I am a firm believer that people come into our lives, not so we can teach them, but so that we can learn who we really are by our interaction with them. Each person brings a unique stamp to any relationship and if based on mutual respect for the reality of who each individual is, then the rest is easy. When there is a lack of respect for the core or soul of another, then there can never be a satisfying relationship no matter what it is based on.

If we understand who the individuals in our lives truly are at their core, then we can interact with them in a way that first, makes us want to be the best we can and secondly perhaps invites the same in them.

When a person can be comfortable about who they are when they are with you, then the opportunity to witness the greatness of another human being presents itself. Imagine the self imposed bar being lowered. A person can feel free to act like who they are and NOT what they think YOU expect. Amazing things happen. They not only surprise you but more importantly they surprise themselves.

In fact, we are at our best when we are comfortable and secure in showing who we really are and knowing that we are in company that appreciates us for that one detail.

One Thing

2008-06-05T08:56:00.003-04:00

The other day I was chatting with a woman who waits tables in the restaurant next to my store. I only know her as a familiar face and the daily wave of the hand and ‘hiya’ sort of way.

This particular morning she was about to do some planting in the flower boxes and realized she didn’t have a hand trowel so she stopped in to ask if I had one. I did not. I’m not much of a gardener so I don’t have the proper tools. In fact to use my name and gardener in the same sentence would be a sacrilege. Trowel? I used a large spoon to dig holes for my plants. I happily suggested she might try the same. She had a perplexed look on her face but humored me nonetheless. Minutes later she passed by waving a shiny new gardening tool she just purchased from the hardware store.

That afternoon, with the planting behind her, she popped in again this time to offer me the use of the trowel. My first planting has resulted in dry dead foliage in my flower boxes which were an eyesore and desperately needed replacing. I planted way too soon, and the rare May frost destroyed my efforts. She exclaimed “I have dirt all over me” (I did not see any) “But OH how I love to do this. I can work in dirt all day long!”

Of course me, being me, asked “Then why are you working in a restaurant? Why aren’t you working with a landscaper?” Her expression was interesting. It wasn’t the expression of ‘Gee, I never thought of that’ it was more the expression of ‘Is that even an option?”

She had been waiting tables for so many years that the idea that she could actually do something she loved and get paid for it was a foreign concept. It was not within her frame of reference. After all, she had built her entire life on income from a job she didn’t particularly love. It was a job. It paid the bills.

How many of us live that way? Well, the odds are great that I will say most of us.

We have jobs. We build careers and over many years we lose the focus as to why we do what we do. We build lives around what the career affords us and then sit in silent wonder of how it ever got that way. That sense of “there HAS to be more” is an acknowledgment that whatever it is we are doing does not fill that void, which by the way, we can’t put our finger on. But how can 'it' be filled without knowing what “it’ is?

In everyone’s life there is something, perhaps one thing that we do which gives us a sense of contentment. It’s the ultimate expression of who we truly are. If we nourish that part of ourselves it trickles down into everything else we do. It also opens doors we cannot begin to imagine. No jobs have to be quit to find it. Careers and lifestyles don’t need changing (unless one truly wants to do that), but to add another element to one’s life and take the fear out of doing something we truly love would add infinite peace and happiness to every other aspect of our lives.

I don’t believe in giving something up (unless it is harmful) but I do believe in adding something that makes us smile. If we allow ourselves the luxury of doing that one thing that makes us happy, just imagine how satisfying the rest of our world could be.

Piece of my Heart

2008-06-03T22:14:00.012-04:00

Tonight I had the privilege of seeing an old friend.

Being here I don't get to the movies as often as I had in NY. There I lived a block away from a ten screen theater and saw countless movies over the years. Here, something I took for granted back home can only be a 'planned' event. So a friend and I drove 26 miles into the nearest town with a movie theater to see 'Sex and the City'.

I was never a fan of the HBO series though it was so popular that I knew what was going on at any given time. For one thing, I couldn't really relate to it. The clothes, the SHOES and basically the life style. They'd never make a show about my life. I don't imagine having an audience bored to tears makes for great ratings. Toward the series end, I did watch the last few shows and though a couple of the characters made me crazy (two of whom I could never be friends with) there was one central character that made me smile and I'm not talking Carrie Bradshaw.

I'm talking "The City" itself.

The experience of seeing a movie like that in the heart of a small town is vastly different than had I seen it back home.

There were glimpses of streets I've walked and restaurants I've dined in. There were jokes that only New Yorkers could have the faintest idea of the meaning. The proverbial 'inside joke'. Had I been in the city watching this movie, the laughter would have been contagious with heads nodding and whispers of 'yeah, I totally get that'. As it was, the giggling and nodding was done by a party of one. Me. I'm sure I became annoying to my friend when I would spout gems like: "I know that street". "I've had dinner in that restaurant". "Oh the library, I've actually been at a party there". She didn't tell me to shut up because I think she understood what I was feeling.

There is a scene in the movie which takes place on the south side of the New York Public Library and reminded me of the many times over many years when I would walk home from work and cut across Bryant Park. At that very moment I felt a giant tug at my heart. I missed it. I could feel my wonderful city come through the big screen for me. The affect won't be the same for everyone who sees it. If the city is a daily part of the viewer's life then its just that. If they've never been in the city, the city, as a character, is not one they could readily relate to. But for me, it was the one character I knew intimately. A character I know and love and totally understand.

It was almost like seeing an old lover. The one who for some incomprehensible reason (to you) didn't work out even though you were of like mind. The one, who if you did run into, you'd recognize that a piece of your heart was still held by them and you'd know that you would never actually have it back but also that it was in a safe place. That was what watching this movie was for me. I feel as though I've found a box of ancient photos in the back of my Mother's closet and the pictures are shading me with a sense of nostalgia that if I'm not careful can become heavy on my heart.

The City can be unforgiving and forgiving all at once. There is room for error and then none. It is bigger than life itself. It is difficult to understand the energy and the life which grows from it unless one experiences it for themselves. Only when one decides to step away can one truly understand the hole it leaves in the core of one's being.

Like a child experiencing the fear of stepping out into the unknown without a real plan, at this very moment I long to be standing on the balcony of my old apartment and gazing at the contours of the East River and the twinkling lights of all the bridges. I am fortunate I got to live my dream. My idea of the ultimate apartment in the city. High in the heavens with a view that was breathtaking. I chose that life. It was something I desired for a long time and I brought it to me.

Just as I have brought this life to me now.

Time will tell whether my old love and I will finally find a way to be together again with a better understanding of how we relate. For now I will be grateful for the opportunity of experiencing what can possibly turn out to be a trial separation.

Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder.

Change

2008-06-01T07:48:00.009-04:00

A friend once said to me "We'll have all the answers when we die". Perhaps a morbid way to begin this post but maybe there is something to that way of thinking.

I am not alone in that I search for answers on a daily basis. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is it I'm supposed to do? Well, maybe I'm doing it.

Somehow it seems like I'm to do more, yet I don't know what that 'more' is. So I search. I think that as long I just take each moment as it comes and make my choices as they present themselves, that is what I'm supposed to be doing.

I come from a world filled with worry about tomorrow. Advancing in career. Building the 401K. Kids. College. Saving for a rainy day. Etc... Very few of us worry about this minute because while we are in this 'minute' it comes and goes, we do whatever it is that is being asked of us and we don't give another thought to the fact that we made a choice regarding how we will spend our lives. Even if we are doing nothing. You see, minutes become hours which become days which become, well, you get the picture. Doing nothing is a choice.

My world of calculated responses and timing is finding its way into the past and as much as I'd like to orchestrate my existence, I'm finding that I really don't have control of many things that present themselves. Nor does anyone. The only control I have is how I deal with each individual situation in any given point in time.

Its truly quite refreshing. This is not in the least to imply that I am stress free. Believe me I am far from that. But I will tell you I am far less stressed than I was 4 months ago. What has changed? Nothing except my attitude.

I have been torn with the desire to 'go back' but I understand I can't really ever go back. Sure, I can physically return to NY, get a job, continue my life as it was but I would not be going back as who I was, I'd be going back as who I am now. A very different person. To the outside world I am quite the same. I still have a sick sense of humor. I am still a workaholic, I still have the desire to not fail, and I am STILL very hard on myself, but now for vastly different reasons. Now its because I'm doing what I want for me, and not because it looks good to the anyone else.

Jobs, homes, family, those things don't make you who you are, who you are in relationship to those things is the key to putting them in perspective.

Its very misty outside. It has been raining since yesterday. I was up just before 6 this morning which is very early even for me. The mist was like a blanket on the lake as is the case most mornings but today I thought how different the natural landscape looked. I'm sure it doesn't look the same as it had one thousand years ago, but the changes would have been ever so subtle and it would be as it was yesterday. I don't expect there to be much change in what remains of my life time. What changed was my perception of it.

It that minute it looked peaceful yet foreboding. As I sit here and write, the sun is trying strenuously to break through the cloud cover and the mist is slowly disappearing. The still water once again reflects the light and every once in a while a duck will come in for a crash landing which disturbs the mirror image I look at. Nothing has radically changed. The landscape is still the same. With every passing day I realize that I am I coming to know this landscape more intimately than ever and now I am beginning to perceive even the slightest nuances of change. The illusion of stillness is just that. An illusion.

Such is the life we live. When we come to truly know ourselves, we are in tuned to the nuances of our lives. Maybe, my friend is right. The answer will take care of themselves and all we really need to do is just learn how to be.

Listen & You Shall Hear

2008-05-31T08:20:00.012-04:00

Its raining this morning. I love rain. To me rain is magical. I look at it as God's way of washing the earth. I don't mind getting caught in it, in fact last week while riding the last mile of a 32 mile bike ride, the sky just opened up. I was too far from my house to walk so I ventured on, though ever more carefully. Wet roads are quite slick and being on a bike with a one inch tire is a recipe for disaster if you are even thinking about being careless.

The blaring rock music I have playing when I'm riding was turned off, so I could better hear approaching cars. Ever notice that when you need to focus you turn down the volume on whatever electronic device you've got playing? Especially when you are alone. No one is talking to you so what gives? Why do we do that?

I think its our way of minimizing the distractions and thereby focusing on what needs to be done. The answer will come either way, it'll just be apparent faster when all is quiet.

Hmmm. I think I'm on to something here.

Today is May 31st, and I've been in Vermont now for the better part of 5 months. As I look back on this experience what brought me here is quite obvious. What is not so obvious is what makes me stay. After all, almost everything I know and love can be found 250 miles away.

I've turned down the IPOD.

I am learning to listen without the noise and distractions of my old life. Don't misunderstand me here. This is where I have to stress that by distractions I mean the old goals that defined how I approached situations. I still have bills to pay. I still work and I work harder than I ever have. The income is substantially less but the satisfaction level has exploded to levels I never thought possible without the added comfort of multiple zeros at the end of a number. Gone are the titles (although I am President of my own LLC) because titles define and in effect (and in my opinion) are meaningless. Its the corporate world's way of of defining accountability.

While IMing with a friend yesterday I mentioned that I was pursuing something interesting (at least to me). I'm not sure what will come of it, but I know it feels right to give it a shot. He said "Is there ANYTHING you won't try?" I laughed because outside of something that would harm me, then the answer is probably no. I was never afraid of failure and I'm still not. If something feels 'right' then you owe it to yourself to give it a go. If it doesn't feel 'right' then its a moot point. You NEVER go after something that doesn't feel right to you, even if logic says it is. That wouldn't be failure, that would be stupidity.

Many books today say "you know the 'truth' about something from how you 'feel' about it". Think about that for a while. How many times do you think you've said "I should have known better"?

You did know better, unfortunately you realized it in retrospect. But what if you could train yourself to realize it AT THAT MOMENT? If you really listen, you will find you always do know. The problem is that you usually disregard that feeling and listen to your head instead. Its when you deliberately do the opposite of what that little voice tells you that you find yourself uttering those words.

Its quite a revelation really, this listening thing. I've always had the knack to do the 'right' thing as it affected my life. I've always been in tuned with that little voice that directed me. But now, its been kicked up a notch.

I still have a way to go before I can begin to truly understand why I needed to go through this period. Sure, I could have stayed in NY and by most statistics I would have had another job by now, but that part did not seem 'right'. As much as I forced myself to 'want' that, deep down inside I did not. So here I am. Yes, I gave up a tremendous amount. As one of my closest friends will say, "But you won't be able to afford Jimmy Choos!" True, but the reality is for this life style I don't need them. Its amazing when you learn what it is you really need and not just have because you 'have to' have something. It's all a question of priorities. Do you realize we create our own priorities and then complain?

The result of what is happening is that I am become far more aware of how I feel about things. People, circumstances, job offers. Yes, there have been a few. None of them seemed right and part of me thinks I am foolish for not accepting one but the part I am coming to know really well is comfortable in the fact that all this is very temporary and when the 'right' set of circumstances present themselves I will 'know'.

That 'knowing' is God's way of talking to me and now that I've turned down the MP3 player, I can really hear.

The Lotto Ticket

2008-05-28T09:04:00.011-04:00

Anyone who has ever done a load of laundry will attest to the fact that there are a few things that can happen that leaves one muttering 'uh oh'.

I'm not talking about accidentally throwing in a red top with a load of white. We've all from time to time experienced the disappearing sock trick. Where do they go?

This morning while cleaning the lint trap of my dryer, I noticed a clump of what I thought was, after all, lint. Lint trap. Lint. Makes sense to me. But there was something odd about this particular clump. It wasn't lint, it was paper. Paper that had been washed and spun and ultimately dried to smithereens and here it was, finding it's next to final resting place in the lint trap (the garbage being the final).

Of course it is not often that I closely inspect the lint I remove from the lint trap but here I was, staring at this little tight clump trying to figure out what it had been in it's former life. I'm usually pretty good about emptying pockets before the clothes are tossed into the machine, but OK, occasionally I miss something as what seemed to be the case here. Staring at it I noticed the distinct pink colors which make up the lotto tickets in my State. Hmmmm.

I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a lotto devotee. Every once in a great while I will splurge a dollar or two on an enormously huge prize where the odds are increasingly against me as the prize value becomes stratospheric. Since I do not purchase chance tickets often I tend to forget what I do with them as soon as I leave the store. I know people who care for their tickets so well that they have plastic sleeves for them. Some use magnets and display them on their refrigerator. I stick them in whatever pocket or purse is accessible at the moment and then immediately dismiss them from my short term memory. I will usually find them in pockets before they go into the wash or, if I happen to toss the tickets in a purse, they will stay in that purse until the next time I use it. I switch purses often leading me to find tickets many months once later and usually once the claim period has expired. Some sadistic part of me wants to know whether or not the numbers on my ticket actually came out so I look up the winning numbers for that date. So far, thankfully they haven't.

This morning while holding this tiny wad of paper the only thing I thought was "wow, what a waste". It wasn't about the dollar spent, some part of me looked at it as a missed opportunity. Granted, the odds that there were numbers on that ticket that would have miraculously matched a set of winning numbers were slim to none. But that wasn't what I was thinking. All because of some slight oversight on my part, I will never know whether or not the numbers would have brought forth a small fortune.

As I continue on this interesting path I call 'my life', I need to be conscious of the fact that there are opportunities out there and if I'm too busy worrying about where I'm going and the possible future opportunities, I will not notice where I am and the opportunities that present themselves in the now. Not all will be apparent. In fact sometimes they will present themselves as that 'gut feel' about a person, or event or place or circumstances.

I think my biggest fear right now is that I HAVE to do something even though 'my gut' says no. Lay low. Let it come because you will know it when it does. Does that make me lazy? Unambitious? A recluse? No. I believe for me I am finally beginning to understand that I don't need to control every aspect of my life. The only things I need to control are the choices that I make regarding the circumstances that present themselves, now.

Training ourselves to really listen to the part of us that is inaudible is not easy. There is an opportunity that presented itself some months ago and that I'm finally pursuing. Its not simple because the balance of my life would completely change. It is something that if I do, I need the help of someone else. I cannot do it alone.

That is a concept that is entirely foreign to me. For as long as I remember, I have achieved everything on my own. Yes, I've had the benefit of mentors but I'm talking about achieving levels purely by focus and desire. I've earned everything I have.

But now, this opportunity requires me to relinquish control of a portion of it in order for it to be successful. The dilemma is not whether or not it would work out, the dilemma is whether or not I can 'let go'. Somehow I have to truly look at how I feel about leaving a part of the control to another. Is this the right opportunity? Can I possibly over think something. Oh yeah. Part of my nature. My gut says I should pursue it and let it take on a life of its own without me micromanaging every outcome. Let the chips fall where they may. I have to also understand there is a difference between letting something happen and making something happen. Forcing something to happen may not be in any one's best interest. Being AWARE of something and letting it happen is by far the more natural choice.

After all, I don't want this opportunity to be a lotto ticket that winds up in the lint trap.

Spirituality

2008-05-26T07:48:00.005-04:00

How do you find spirituality? Is it something that is lost ? Where do you begin to look?

I'd like to think of spirituality as something we always have though unfortunately spend most of our time 'looking' for. Much like being asleep, we are not in tuned with our surroundings. We only become aware of our environment when we awaken.

I believe that we all have it in us and the mistake we make it to try to find it elsewhere. If there was a store where you could buy it by the pound, rest assured the lines would be long. For most of us the 'store' is our place of worship. Notice I did not say 'Church'. This isn't reserved for just Christians, spirituality is universal. How we tap into it is as individual as who we are. If there was a recipe, we would all be cooking up a storm.

There is some agreement out there that one has to quiet the mind in order to to go deep within and touch that sacred part of ourselves. Who has time? Well, actually, we all do. No matter what our schedules, family circumstances, work commitments and so on, we all have a few seconds a day to just be aware that there is more out there than we are conscious of. In fact I will go out on a limb and say we do it all the time, we just don't make the connection. Meditation does help, but if you've read one of my previous posts, you'll know that like most people, I've yet to master it.

I have become aware that spirituality can be tapped into anywhere. Ever find yourself singing lyrics to a song on the radio? IPOD? Or perhaps just because it popped in your head? It doesn't have to be a religious or inspirational song. The fact that you are focused on the words put you somewhere outside of your head for those wonderful few moments.

Do the right words seem to pop out of a book or article you are reading? Do you notice a morning sky and marvel at the color or how the clouds float? Can you remember the first real snowfall of any season? How peaceful and serene the world looks blanketed in white? The little skip in your heart that says "wow, this is beautiful'. Those few seconds before the reality of getting kids dressed for school or having to warm up the car. Those few seconds are spirituality.

It is the noticing of the millions of tiny things that make our hearts smile. It is a feeling so wonderful and powerful that we want it to last forever or at least all day. The feelings are fleeting but they are there and we do experience them. We just don't necessarily recognize them for what they are. As we become more in tuned, we begin to understand that spirituality is not something that must be found. It was never lost. It surrounds us continuously.

The moment we become aware that we are looking for our spirituality is the moment we've entered the store. All we are required to do is notice what God put on the shelves.

Abundance

2008-05-25T08:06:00.008-04:00

What is Abundance?

Over the past few years there have been an increasing number of references to the word abundance. It has been discussed and discussed again in a number of books, talk shows etc. Growing up I always understood it to mean having more than enough of anything one could possibly want or need. I am coming to understand it in a totally different way.

I think for most people, and I will put myself in the mix, there is an underlying fear that we won't have abundance, further separating the haves from the have nots. I think the mistake we make is thinking that the words 'abundance' and 'money' are one and the same.

They are not.

I used to believe that if I made enough money, I would never lack for anything. But what did it really 'buy' me? Cool shoes? Nice clothes? A house that is too big for me or my needs? I can go on and on.

Money is not abundance. There is a saying which goes something like this "The level of your expenses will rise to meet the level of your income". Basically, the more you make the more you spend. Problems begin with spending more than you make. With ever increasing ways to get access to money one doesn't yet have, its no wonder that the sense of 'lack' is always surrounding us like a veil we can't quite see through.

I was reading an article this morning about the increasing number of survivalists and it got me thinking. God gave us everything we could ever need in order to survive. We are society of 'is anything ever enough'? This creates more of the sense of lacking . Nothing is ever enough. To make up for it we work longer hours, spend less time with family and friends and then wonder why is it we are so unhappy.

When shedding a way of life which no longer works for you there is a tendency to go through a withdrawal. We stop being grateful for that which we have, and instead our tendency is to focus on what we no longer have access to; regardless of whether it is something which is actually needed and therefore, necessary.

We were never meant to go without but every person's level of need is completely different from any other. My needs and desires are not the same as yours. Save of course, air to breathe there is very little that we all have in common in order to survive. You might say food or shelter, but even those would be wrong. The food my body needs and the food your body needs are not the same to function at peak. There are food allergies which prohibit one body from getting nourishment from the same food source which is indispensble to another. In fact, it may be downright poisonous for a person. Your idea of a home is completely different from mine. Where one person may be happy living in an apartment, another would be happy in a house and then we can go on to talk about the size of those abodes...you get the picture.

I think for me I have to begin looking at ways that my 'body' will best flourish. The answers as to which form of exercise, which types of foods etc., is right for me is as individual as who I am. Just like there are no two snowflakes alike, no two people are alike.

To create our abundance, we need to first understand what it is that we as individuals require to be happy. It doesn't come in a box or bag. We'll get snippets of it in things we read or hear. They will trigger a thought process which once it becomes ingrained, will lead us to find the balance that will create the sense of peace and happiness we desire.

It is there. It is within reach. All we really have to do is find it in ourselves to believe that we will be able to access that which will bring us contentment.

Things

2008-05-24T08:05:00.003-04:00

Like most people, I've spent a great deal of my adulthood accumulating 'things'. You never realize how many 'things' you have until you move.

I've moved so many times in the past 5 years that you'd think I'd have it down to a science. I don't. This most recent move, which I know will not be my last, finally made me break ties with many things which frankly, I don't need nor particularly want.

A local charity became the recipient of many items which were almost never used but would be welcome in any household. I don't believe in discarding things if they can benefit someone else.

As I unloaded what seemed to be most of my life, a sense of freedom (and panic) took over. This is what my entire existence is about these days. Giving up the old to make room for the new. I have no clue what the 'new' is, but I know that I am making plenty of space for it.

It amazes me how attached we get to those things which surround us even when there is no use or need for them. I gave away a brand new set of bake ware which I received as a bridal shower gift 20 years ago. I've been divorced for 17 of those years. Its not that the bake ware held any 'meaning' for me. The divorce was quite amicable. Two people realizing that they were better friends apart than together. But the bake ware was really nice and functional so I kept it and over the years, moved it from apartment to apartment. I think I used it 3 times.

As I packed boxes filled with my past and present, I wondered, mostly aloud, 'what am I doing with this stuff? I never use it." So off I went carting it over to the thrift store knowing full well that someone would make better use of these items than I would. All they did in my cabinet was collect dust.

I think that somewhere along the line we are taught to not throw things out. Much like 'eating everything on your plate'. We are taught to horde and when the time comes to break with the attachments we don't know how. Perhaps this mindset has trickled down from the Great Depression. Maybe its encoded in our DNA. Afterall, we were once hunters and gatherers. In this day and age, the only 'hunting' we do is in the local supermarket going up and down aisles to find what we need.

I believe that clearing space comes with a price. Shedding an old skin for untried new one. The word 'frightening' is an understatement. But what good does anything do if we hang on? Not much.

I'm learning that it is not the things you can live without, all that does is imply deprivation. I'm learning that I like what I live with. This is a completely different attitude. As we mature and our circumstances change we need to take the time to realize what it is that is important. The lifestyle we live determines what we need.

Giving up the urban life made me notice how many high heeled shoes I have. These go with dresses and suits which right now I have no use for. It was the costume of my 'old life'. This is not to say I don't like them, it is just a matter of having no reason to wear them. Do I miss it? Not by a long shot. I don't even think of it until I see the suits hanging in my closet. They are nice and they did have a purpose in another life, but not in this current one.

I'm learning. All I can think of right now is that I do have everything I really need. Everything else is just for show.

Journey

2008-05-23T09:07:00.004-04:00

What is it about sunshine that makes everything seem OK? I think that even in our most stressful of moments, how we cope with a situation has a lot to do with whether the sun is shining or not.

I'm coming to accept that as we travel our journey we are having the experiences that are supposed to teach us our lessons. Some are more complicated than others. I've been told many many times I'm an 'old' Soul. I've also been told that I am a teacher, though not in the traditional sense of one-on-one or classroom.

My life for the past 6 months has been a little on the confusing side. Nothing seems to mesh. No matter what decisions I make, they don't work out. I totally believe it is because I have no sense of what it is I want, or what direction to go so the universe (God to me) allows for a multitude of opportunities and too many choices.

I think my job right now, and my only job is to be aware of as many as I can and when the right one is there, my focus will once again sharpen. It has never failed me in the past and there is no reason to believe it will fail me now or in the future.

I went to see my favorite Psychic the other day. She is not 'store front', she is only by referral and appointment. I know that the more open you are to the idea of someone 'reading' you, the better the experience. I used to go to card readers and not say a word because I thought that they 'should know'. For the past two years, I've been learning how to read cards. I'm not at all ready to hang out a shingle, but I will tell you that the more interaction you have with the person being read, the more you can 'intuitively' understand what the cards are saying.

Cards DO NOT tell you the future nor can anyone. Some people have a focused degree of intuition that allows them to 'see' things, but all of us are intuitive on our own. "Gut feel" anyone?

What 'she' said to me was that although my life seemed to be turned upside down right now, it is all necessary for this transition and not to sweat it. My answers will come from the various experiences I am currently having. There was a lot more, which I will not get into, but what it made me realize was that yes, my life is truly a journey and as much as we say it, we don't really understand what that means.

If you look at life as a 'path to be walked' then you will come to understand that ALL your experiences are the same as walking. In order to 'walk' somewhere you must put one foot in front of the other. Each experience is a step, it gets you closer to your goal but you don't really know what that goal is. Not goal in the tangible sense as in career, family etc. But your Soul's goal. You just have to trust and have faith that each experience is bringing you closer to it.

What does any of this have to do with sunshine? Nothing really, only that when the sun is shining, it is far easier to take that 'lighted' step.

Realization

2008-05-19T08:59:00.007-04:00

Meditation is not easy. It takes time to train the brain. I have accomplished this for no more than 3 minutes at a time. For someone who's brain in on constant overload, 3 minutes is a long time. But I'll take what I can get.

One of the most disconcerting things for me has been that I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail. I've run from here to there and back because I had set my life up in just that way. Now that I am finally about to get settled, it looks as though I might be moving around,yet again, but I don't know WHERE. Where do I go now? Do I stay put? Nah. Do I go back to where I was? Nah.

What gives? Why can't I find a place that makes me happy?

This morning, during my record breaking 3 minute meditation, it came to me. It NOT the place. Its not WHERE I am that is the problem. Its WHO I am when I surround myself with certain people.

For many years, I ran from all that I knew because I felt that it was nothing but stifling. I wanted my freedom. But in looking far and yonder for it and settling in places that were as far away from the people I loved, I grew more and more discontent. Its one thing to remove yourself from people who are not healthy for you, but to remove yourself from a loving network and deliberately place yourself away from those you WANT to be around is self destructive.

I have a beautiful home. I know nice people. I am grateful and thankful for that. But I miss my sister who is my closest friend. I miss the people who's energy I thrived on. They made me want to be a better person. Sure we live in a world of electronic communication, but that does not take the place of looking in eye's of someone you care about when they are speaking. It doesn't take the place of a hug when you're feeling down. It doesn't take the place of watching your niece smile when she sees you.

I mistakenly thought that if I went in search of my happiness, I would find it somewhere else. It has always been in the same place. I'm the one who was blinded to it.

It doesn't matter where I make my home. What matters is the people I let into my life. If you are around the people who mean the most to you and whom you love, then NOTHING is insurmountable.

If mediation works to get you in touch with God, or helps you communicate with God that much easier, then I'm going to try to extend that 3 minutes into 4. At least its a starting point. If I can come to that realization in 3 minutes, just imagine what 4 or more can bring.

Experiences

2008-05-18T08:33:00.009-04:00

As I write this I am contemplating renaming my blog An Urbanite's View of Small Town Living. I've been coming to this town since 1994 and in 1998 purchased a small cabin. I've since graduated to a lake home. I love this place that much.

Even though I've been back and forth for many years splitting my time between what I called my 'real' life and my sanctuary I always dreamed that at some point I'd live in my sanctuary. Be careful what you wish for. My 'real' life consisted of my career and my social network: my family and my friends. After losing my job and therefore my career as I knew it, my decision to come here permanently was fraught with...well...indecision.

Over the years I've been extremely fortunate to meet some amazing and wonderful people in this little town. Now, don't get me wrong, just as an urban lifestyle has its own unique problems, small town living can be its own personal hell. Gone are the congested streets, smog, noise and more noise replaced by tranquility, peace and natural beauty. To a person who has been immersed in the go go go of urban life for over 40 years, taking it down a notch has not been easy. It is one thing to have a vacation home to escape to, but when your escape becomes a self imposed exile, there are factors that must be weighed like "how do I keep myself busy enough to NOT go insane".

Last night I took part or rather, watched a lovely tradition unfold. The town I'm in has a very small school and therefore, student body. In the 'big city' Proms are usually reserved for that special rite of passage for seniors. In this town, because of the small student population, everyone from freshman to senior year is invited. But the tradition didn't end there. For the benefit of those not attending (parents, relatives and friends), the students flowed into a ballroom and walked on a make shift cat walk in their Prom attire and paraded past a host of onlookers. A stream of beautiful young women in formal gowns and dresses and handsome young men dressed to escort their lovely counterparts. It was absolutely magical. A moment suspended in time.

They came coupled, as friends and single. It didn't matter. I remember when I was a senior I didn't even go to my Prom because my boyfriend and I had 'broken' up for the hundredth time 2 months earlier. I still think it was because he didn't want to wear the mandatory Tuxedo. Back then it would have been unheard of to go to the Prom alone. No no no. But here, or maybe its because it is the year 2008 and not 1978, it wasn't a factor. These young people wanted the opportunity to enjoy themselves with their peers and whether they had a date or not, they were there. All dressed in their finest.

I looked at their faces, which ranged from proud, to nervous with a hint of expectation. As they walked the walk, they all had this magnificent sense of innocence. Looking at them from many many years in the future, I can only imagine what life has in store. How exciting and yet frightening at the same time.

Yet the excitement and fright is not reserved just for high school kids. Life is that way for all of us. Adults just tend to forget. We get so caught up in our daily trials that we don't stop to think that we really don't know how life will unfold. Sure, we have calendars and PDAs to help us manage our time and keep appointments, but those are distractions to what life truly is. Life is really about experiences. All the electronic devices do are remind us that we are to have an experience at such and such a time.

Last evening was magical. There isn't much to do in this lovely town, at least not by big city standards, but there is plenty here to share with ones friends. As I watched these young people step out into a sense of excitement, I am reminded that my own life is unfolding in much the same way theirs. I really don't know what the next few days, weeks, months or years will bring. All I can do is thank God, that I am finally willing to just let it happen.

Dreams

2008-05-17T08:19:00.007-04:00

What happens the day you realize you are living your dream? Do you recognize it? Do fireworks explode in the sky? Does a huge banner with the words CONGRATULATIONS YOU'VE MADE IT!!!! unfold in front of your home? Or is the life that got you there so overwhelming that you aren't even aware of it?

I think for me it came as a total surprise. When we come to the realization that what we put out to the heavens actually does manifest, we can finally begin to understand how powerful our thoughts are. Somewhere along the line, at least for me, I came to believe that when I eventually got what I desired it would happen in a lovely linear fashion, following a clear path with rose petals lining the way. The transition would be smooth allowing me to shed my old life slowly and graciously while my new life to took root. The checks and balances of logical thinking would open the door for a wonderful and exciting existence to deliciously unfold.

It didn't happen that way.

In order to truly and completely immerse yourself in the life you really want to live, you have to be willing to disentangle yourself from all you believe true about transition and let go of all that is keeping you from achieving your dream. I don't believe there is one of us who consciously wants to do that. The dissolution of the old, whether it is by choice or event, is the destructive force that frees us from the self imposed ties that bind.

Yesterday, while reading a post on Randy Pausch's (The Last Lecture) website, he referenced lyrics from the famous Janis Joplin song "Me & Bobby McGee":

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose".

For some reason at that very moment, those words took on a completely new meaning for me. The only way to truly understand your options, is to have absolutely nothing to fall back on. There are two ways to cope with a safety net being taken away. You can fall into the darkness of an abyss, or you can look at life with the open mind that there are possibilities that are now open that would never have been open if your circumstances hadn't changed.

I own a lovely vacation home on a beautiful lake. On the main level there is an alcove that until just the other day was empty. The alcove is surrounded by windows which allows the beauty of the environment to flow in giving you the sense that you are sitting outside. For years I envisioned sitting at a desk in this alcove, clicking away on my laptop typing words of wisdom. I saw myself looking at the sunlight glistening on the water. I would hear the wind chimes as they were gently nudged by a breeze. The moments that do take your breath away when you realize that we are only here for a short while and are only borrowing the beauty that was created just for us. Our responsiblity is to enjoy it.

My life circumstances came to an abrupt end some months ago and as I battled with what the next course of action was to be, and yes, the battle has been fierce, I finally resolved that I needed to be in one place in order to focus and take the necessary steps to continue. I gave up my other 'old' urban life purely because I had to. As a result I've moved completely into this vacation home on the lake.

I didn't realize until this morning, that I was living the dream I've had for years. What I didn't understand until this very minute is that the circumstances that got me here were not in the least simple, or linear or easy. They were completely and unequivocally chaotic and emotionally consuming.

But here I sit at my desk, clicking away on my laptop with a steaming cup of coffee to my right. Every now and then I glance at the sparkling water. The quiet is disturbed by the chirping of birds which fly from tree to tree and of course the wind chimes dancing on the breeze. The peacefulness that surrounds me at this very moment is the only thing I am focused on. I know that I can keep this feeling with me all day and remember it when daily life unfolds.

In retrospect, I realize that yes, God did hear me and even though I didn't think I was ready to be sitting in this alcove, He determined I was.

God

2008-05-13T21:54:00.002-04:00

I believe in God. I mean, I have faith that God exists. Though there is some confusion of late, at least in my life, as to how to actually live life according to how the Bible says God would want me to live.

I've done a lot of spiritual reading over the years and for the past few months, I've been reading Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. When I first bought the book over a year ago, I tried to read it like a novel and quickly lost interest. I wasn't ready. Some months ago a very serious life changing event happened and like most people going through hard times I stepped up my search for answers and looked toward the heavens in hopes that they would be forthcoming. They weren't. This book has helped me come to a different understanding. Instead of reading pages and chapters at a time, I am doing the work justice by reading just a few paragraphs, sometimes just sentences at a time and reflecting on what they words and concepts mean.

On top of troubles that I'll call my own, I find myself dealing with troubles that belong to members of my family. For some reason, I seem to be the one who they've deemed qualified to help them out of their own hells.

There in lies my struggle. If I listen to reason and to my wonderful Psychotherapist, I should walk away because I cannot change anything for them. If I pay attention to what the Bible says, I should give of myself to help those in need.

I've never been a martyr and when I was able to help I did so with good conscience and good spirit. But now that my own circumstances have changed I find I cannot help as readily. The only help I can give is to dispense advice. Being a fairly strong person, people tend to think I have all the answers. I don't. I go through life, try to do the right thing for myself and the people I love and somehow that translates to others that I have all the answers. I don't.

So, when you read the Bible and what is expected how do you know whether the help you're asked to give is in God's eyes your service to others, or are you in the eyes of your Psychotherapist, making you an enabler?

Attachments

2008-05-12T22:09:00.001-04:00

When do we understand that certain attachments are not healthy? When is it appropriate for family members to act on their own without the constant reinforcement from other family members?

There are certain people that never seem to find their own way and some of us have this need to help them get through their troubles. Except their troubles don't ever vanish thereby pulling the would be helper deeper into situations not of their own making.

It is difficult to walk away from some issues especially when the issues pertain to the people we love. But we have to come to accept that the most good we can do under certain circumstances is to step aside and let those people develop on their own. They are capable. Extending hope, understanding and even advice is fine. Its when the attachment becomes claustrophobic that we lose our sense of self for the misconception that we are helping someone in need.

The occasional assistance is valuable. The taking care of others without taking care of ourselves leaves us with the oppressive feeling that we are failures. We cannot take care of others if we first don't take care of who we are.

Meditation

2008-05-10T23:32:00.002-04:00

It helps sometimes to know that when life becomes overwhelming there are things you can do to help ease the stress. I've tried them all. Meditation, prayer, crying, screaming, silence etc. There are as many ways to deal with stress as there are people on this planet. What you have to remember is that what may work for me, may not necessarily work for you. But, that doesn't mean you give up when whatever it is you are doing doesn't work. you simply do something else.

It has taken me a long time to learn how to quiet the mind and I'm still not all that great at it, but I've gotten considerably better. The trick to quieting the rambling mind is to immediately focus on something. Anything. Your foot. Your arm. Your nose. Just by the mere shift in focus, you can successfully hush the tornado in your head. Start with a few seconds at a time...then grow from that. It will not be something you achieve in a few sessions...but like anything else once you have a strong foundation, you can build anything.